Que. waterworks

When it rains it pours…

No idea where it comes from but ARG! (reading over this – I do know where it comes from, from people’s choices and from an enemy that is trying to destroy us)

Sometimes I just want to pack up my kids and start again somewhere else.  Find a church that is big and I don’t have to do kids church every single Sunday, a church where the work is shared and people understand about giving no just financially but of their time too.  It’s a family, it’s a calling, it’s not just a one persons calling.  If you are called to go to that church then you are called to do what that church is called to do, so get up and do it because you are that church. End vent.

Find a place where I can settle with my kids, that accepts the way I parent.  My daughter has issues.  She has triggers.  She has a broken heart that has had a bandaid on it for quite sometime now and underneath it is a festering wound.  Eventually it’s going to get bumped and she is going to scream out in agony. “Do you feel that daddy loves you now?”….”not one little bit”…Que. waterworks.

Family visited it.  6 always acts up, i.e..  throws all out red in the face, scream, kick, flail around tantrums when this one family member visits.  I realized this pattern today and tried my best to nip it in the butt and get to the root of the issue.  The issue isn’t her being defiant and crazy the issue is that she has been flooded with emotions and memories that have overtaken her and she can’t get a grip on what she is feeling or why she is feeling it.  They are so overwhelming she gets sad and mad and she looses control of her body.

Some people think I’m being played by her, some people think I’m a sissy parent.  I am parenting the way I believe is best for this child.  I will do it my way.  If I mess up that’s my responsibility in the end, between God and me, not you and me.

This family member makes her feel like she’s naughty all the time.  This family member she remembers being daddies favorite family member on my side.  6 has memories of disappointing her daddy when she got in trouble.  When she is told she is naughty she feels unloved.  When she feels unloved she is reminded that she isn’t loved by her daddy.  One of the few people that is supposed to love her unconditionally.  She is hurting.  It was triggered today.

My daughter is hurting.  I keep asking God how do I fix it?  I want to fix my baby girl. 4 has tantrums but those are just caused by exhaustion and are easy fixes.  Boy and baby and even 4 have very few if any memories of daddy.  Their heart wasn’t full of him so when he left there was less ripped out of their heart then with 6.  He was her daddy.  He was a huge piece of her.  He was her first love.

He left her.  He left his daughter and he took half her heart with him.  She is broken and she is trying her darndest to fix herself and thank God she is looking in the right places, but if I am struggling this much with it, how is a 6 year old supposed to do it? We pray every night.

We prayed tonight.  We said God we are hurting, God we are broken, you are the fixer.  You are the healer.  You are the one true lover that will never ever ever ever leave us.  Fill our hearts with your love.  Heal our hearts, restore them and make them new.  We cannot do this without you.  We forgive daddy for what he has done to us.  We forgive him for the hurt he has caused and we want him to live a happy life.  Show him how much you love him God and fill our hearts with your love.  Fill us with your peace and your rest and your joy.  In Jesus name.  Amen.

That is pretty much exactly what we prayed tonight.

Not everything can be fixed.  Not everything has a physical solution.  Sometimes we just need an ear.  Sometimes we need some coaxing to get what is going on inside of us out.  Majority of the people these days don’t care what we are feeling.  They don’t care what is going on inside of us.  Be the difference.  Make sure you care, especially with those you care the most about.  Lend an ear to someone that is hurting.  Not a solution, just an ear.

You are loved.

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