“Maybe we can go visit daddy someday soon mommy”…said 4

6 was drawing pictures of him the other day about him dressing up in a suit to go to work but sneaking tools in his suitcase to build something there…strange, he’s never worn a suit.

I can’t escape him.  I don’t necessarily want to, but it’s hard putting him as a memory when in all reality he’s existing and living a life in which he chooses to not include his children.  They want him…he clearly doesn’t want them.  It’s a struggle that I will probably have to live with my whole life.

I wish I could just get a divorce.

I wish I had control over my body and could lose this weight that I so rapidly gained.  I disgust myself.  Yet I have to learn to love myself for the sake of my children.  They need to love themselves and need an example of how to do that.

I wish I had a real man in my life one that would take my children and be a daddy they deserve.  Is that even possible?

Reality versus hope is absurd.  Hope that I will find someone who loves me for me versus reality that I am a single mother of four children, who wants that?

Sleep is a thing that doesn’t come at night, weight is a thing that clings to me and multiplies unwantedly and four beautiful faces that all vie for my attention awaits me nearly every single moment of the day.  Thank God for His help.  I could use some more.

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