Not Sick Anymore

My husband cheated on me.

Actually he had a full out affair during our marriage and as we tried to reconcile.

December will mark the one year date of my eyes being opened to all of this.

I finally don’t barf in my mouth at the thought of him and her doing things together.  I passed by our meet-aversary without even a thought or twinge of sadness.

It’s almost a year since I realized that my marriage for quite some time was a sham.

I don’t hate him.  I don’t like him, but I don’t hate him.  Actually I probably still love him.  I forgive him.  He will forever live with the consequences of his actions.  He will forever remember the day he had his children and then didn’t.  The day he had me and the millions of ways he lost me.  I wish he would forgive himself, grow up, get his act together and live his life the way God wants him to.  Just because he messed up doesn’t mean God has taken back the gifts or the calling He has placed on my husbands life.  God doesn’t do take backs.

It’s that simple.  God doesn’t do take backs.  If He did He would have did a take back thousands of years ago when Eve took that first bite.  But God didn’t.

I am finding my happy place.  I am fighting for what I want.  It’s still lost in a maze, but I’m working on finding it.  I wish he would find it too.  Not just what he wants at the moment, but what his forever looks like.  I want him to find a woman that will push him to be a better man.  A woman that will better him, not drag him down because she knows nothing of putting others first or what real love is.  This life is not all about living for ourselves.  I wish she knew that and I wish he did too.

All I can do is continue to focus on myself (yes I just said it’s not all about me).  To grow, learn, develop, become stronger and yes happier.  I cannot be a blessing to the world as a helpless heap of a mess that hates life.  God made us to enjoy life.  He enjoys life, even the finer things in life and we are made like Him.  He didn’t make us to be miserable, He made us to have joy and be happy.

That is all for now as I realize I don’t feel sick thinking about them.  I feel sad for what they have done, but not disgusted, dirty, worthless or sick anymore.

One thought on “Not Sick Anymore

  1. It’s a great thing 🙂 Congrats that’s a big step I can’t definitely say thinking about them does still make me want to vomit but the less I think about them the more time I have for me and my thoughts.. 🙂 Here’s to finding God’s future for us!! ❤ ya AG

    Liked by 1 person

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