Sliding Down

Life is going well.  I know it is bright, I know there is some sort of future.  I know I will be ok and my children will be ok.  Nothing dramatic has changed or happened. I’m working two days a week, work at the church one day a week, I help with service Sundays, chauffeur to dance and swimming.  Attend Bible study every week, and am starting a business in January.  I am fighting my way to freedom financially.  I will successfully provide for my children, myself and God.

Everything is fine, yet inside I’m not.  I can feel everything spinning out of control.  Last week, everything was in control, my hormones were on a high, my emotions were in proper place.  This week is another story.

Maybe it’s the fact that 4 has talked about daddy every day this week and every day says “I miss daddy.  I remember when…” then lists a million things she remembers doing that I don’t even remember.  Maybe she remembers or maybe she is using her imagination.  Either way…she misses her daddy.  I have no words to say anymore to that.

Maybe it’s the fact that 4 woke up in the middle of the night crying last night because she had a dream that her papa that we live with left her forever.  Then this morning she re-lived it, telling it to me again and had big crocodile tears coming down.  She is scared people are going to leave her.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s Christmas.  My favorite time ever.  I got through anniversaries, birthdays, important days with no repercussions emotionally, but Christmas this year…I have no hope of reconciliation.  I have no hope of having a family Christmas again like we used to have.  It’s gone.  Christmas was so special to me.  I had a nice collection of decorations that I worked hard at obtaining.  It’s gone.  He supposedly split it with me and dropped my portion off at his dads…ridiculous right?  I should get half his video games and tools then.

The stockings I diligently picked, the christmas ornaments he bought me that were so special, the ornaments the kids made me, a few decorations from when I was a kid, my awesome black wreath and tree skirt.  Not too much was special to me, but that was one.

And seriously, it’s so ahead of time that it’s ridiculous for me to even be thinking of this, but one day my kids are all going to be grown up and I could very well still be alone.  How freaking depressing.  There is a possibility that one Christmas I will be alone.  This saddens me to the point of tears.  I don’t want to be alone ever.

The house this year is going to be full, my kiddos, my parents, an aunt, two grandmas and my parent’s friends, a lovely couple.  Yet it’s the first year that I am truly alone on Christmas.  I don’t have someone to shop with, tell everything I buy the kids.  I don’t have someone to indulge my wrapping paper fetish.  I’m alone possibly forever.  For sure this Christmas.  It makes me so sad.

Maybe this out of control feeling has to do with all that or just the fact that I am 29 years old, have 4 children and still live with my parents.  I love them to pieces and am so incredibly thankful for them, but oy is all I’m going to say.  The need to finish our apartment and set up a makeshif kitchen is becoming pressing.

I went to 6’s parent teacher conference today.  They showed me a picture she drew of her family.  I was surprised.  It had sister and sister and brother and her and mommy and …daddy…in a suit with a briefcase.  I have seen her drawing of daddy like this before.  I am unsure where this comes from.  Maybe its a dream or whatever it may be called to be like the other kids who have daddies that go to work every day and wear suits and carry briefcases.  I wish I could provide that for her.

God never intended for us to do this thing called raising a family alone.  He made a human.  That human grows up.  Gets married.  Then makes more humans.  The get married part is first.  So that there is a team. So that there is a support that no other family member or friend can provide for the mother or father.  God intended for this to be a team process.  Thank God for grace though.  Even though it wasn’t His intention for my children to be raised this way He gives me grace to do it.  God cannot force my husband to be who God intended him to be, a father, but God won’t let go of my back either.  Yay Jesus.

So yeah I feel myself sliding off the good and stable state of mind, but I know I will make it through.  I will come out ok.  I will be ok and God has a way through it for me.  He will never let go and will never leave me.  I thank Him that my kids know this and will walk with Him every single day of their lives.  I’ll be ok.

How can I miss someone so much and dislike someone so much at the same time?  Maybe I miss something, not so much someone anymore.  Maybe that is it maybe it’s not.  I will make it through this.  I will be ok.

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