It’s been an incredibly difficult week.

Ever feel pulled in a million directions?  Running your legs ragged but not getting anywhere?  Just digging in the dirt turning it into mud?  Ever feel like running away and hoping that will fix all your problems?

Yeah me too.

Finances are tight therefore my daycare has been reduced/eliminated.  It was only two days a week to begin with but I am going to miss the break.

Living with your parents…I love them to pieces but the struggle is very real people.

Friends?  What friends?  I lost my best friend over a year ago and I’m really missing talking to someone every day.  Literally no one to talk to every day. I have two great friends, but they aren’t every day friends…how do people survive without having someone to talk to every day?  Am I the only one this alone?

Figuring out how to ensure someone doesn’t file my tax return in another country…fun…stressful.

Starting a business.

I understand why people live off the government…it’s so easy to do.  I have a choice to live off the government and be a stay at home mom for now or go with the need for so much more and to fight the easy way and be better and get a job, but leave my dream of being a stay at home mom (yes I’m aware I just said the break was nice, but a stay at home mom with a team mate is different then alone) in the past. Choices.  Who am I and what do I want?

Christmas.

Alone at Christmas, yet trying to be thankful for those I do have.  Yet the crowds make me want to scream and cry and hide in a corner.  So many people, yet so alone, so hurt.

Lists a mile long and time running out. Trying to remember to embrace the time of year instead of rush by all the things that need to be done.  Christmas is a season not just a day.

Surgery.  Four is having her tonsils out in mid December.  Breaks my heart.  I know it happens all the time, but I don’t want to see my kid like that.  Her father knows nothing.  Her father doesn’t care.  How selfish.

My van doesn’t have heat when it sits idle…I live in the north… I need heat on idle.

My grandma is coming for a visit.  She is an amazing woman.  I wish she would just stay, but she is old and we wear her out.

My two oldest girls woke up with bites all over their bodies.  How horrible. 6 reacted and her bites are the size of golf balls…ok a little smaller.  They are sleeping in the living room until I can bomb their room.

I am not satisfied with church.

I feel unloved, I feel unfulfilled, I feel stressed, overwhelmed, alone, sad, stretched, broken.  I feel broken and I don’t know how to fix it.  I keep dreaming of a man.  A man isn’t going to fix my broken.  A friend isn’t going to fix my broken.  Time seems to not be fixing my broken.  I don’t know what will.  I suppose the answer is God.  I need Him more.

Well wasn’t that a depressing blog, maybe it’s a step to help me heal.

 

 

 

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