One seriously pissed off mother

Love apparently one of the hardest things on the planet to understand yet the whole reason we were created.

It shouldn’t be so hard to love like we are supposed to when we were created for it.

I’ll make it simple, love doesn’t expect a 6 year old to be perfect and refuse to come back until 6 behaves in those standards

Love loves her the way she is and for who she is now.  Leaving her makes her feel unloved which makes her misbehave anymore.

Seriously what’s with all these people in my life that don’t get this.  Love is not a feeling and love is not conditional.  It wants to be with someone regardless.  Don’t say you love someone then expect them to be perfect and abandon them because they don’t meet your unreasonable standards.

One seriously pissed off mother and it isn’t even regarding her father…yeesh.

More

I so badly want more.

I want completion.  Closure.  I want to end this phase of my life right.

I want to live with a husband.  I want to form a new baby in my belly.  I want to go through the trials and struggles and joys of creating  human body in my body.  I want to go through the pain of childbirth and I want to hold a new final baby in my arms with a whole and complete family by my side.

I want to raise my family with a husband in our house.  I want to dream with a husband, Make plans for our future, make plans to grow old and for adventures.  I want to finish this young family part of my life properly, with a forever by my side.

I want to love again and be loved.

God, you are faithful and just and you finish and complete everything you start.  Finish and complete my family Lord!

“He who started a good work in you will carry it to completion” Philippians 1:6

“She wouldn’t let loneliness tell her what to feel instead she believed the truth in the one who would never leave her alone.”  – Unveiled wife.

Que. waterworks

When it rains it pours…

No idea where it comes from but ARG! (reading over this – I do know where it comes from, from people’s choices and from an enemy that is trying to destroy us)

Sometimes I just want to pack up my kids and start again somewhere else.  Find a church that is big and I don’t have to do kids church every single Sunday, a church where the work is shared and people understand about giving no just financially but of their time too.  It’s a family, it’s a calling, it’s not just a one persons calling.  If you are called to go to that church then you are called to do what that church is called to do, so get up and do it because you are that church. End vent.

Find a place where I can settle with my kids, that accepts the way I parent.  My daughter has issues.  She has triggers.  She has a broken heart that has had a bandaid on it for quite sometime now and underneath it is a festering wound.  Eventually it’s going to get bumped and she is going to scream out in agony. “Do you feel that daddy loves you now?”….”not one little bit”…Que. waterworks.

Family visited it.  6 always acts up, i.e..  throws all out red in the face, scream, kick, flail around tantrums when this one family member visits.  I realized this pattern today and tried my best to nip it in the butt and get to the root of the issue.  The issue isn’t her being defiant and crazy the issue is that she has been flooded with emotions and memories that have overtaken her and she can’t get a grip on what she is feeling or why she is feeling it.  They are so overwhelming she gets sad and mad and she looses control of her body.

Some people think I’m being played by her, some people think I’m a sissy parent.  I am parenting the way I believe is best for this child.  I will do it my way.  If I mess up that’s my responsibility in the end, between God and me, not you and me.

This family member makes her feel like she’s naughty all the time.  This family member she remembers being daddies favorite family member on my side.  6 has memories of disappointing her daddy when she got in trouble.  When she is told she is naughty she feels unloved.  When she feels unloved she is reminded that she isn’t loved by her daddy.  One of the few people that is supposed to love her unconditionally.  She is hurting.  It was triggered today.

My daughter is hurting.  I keep asking God how do I fix it?  I want to fix my baby girl. 4 has tantrums but those are just caused by exhaustion and are easy fixes.  Boy and baby and even 4 have very few if any memories of daddy.  Their heart wasn’t full of him so when he left there was less ripped out of their heart then with 6.  He was her daddy.  He was a huge piece of her.  He was her first love.

He left her.  He left his daughter and he took half her heart with him.  She is broken and she is trying her darndest to fix herself and thank God she is looking in the right places, but if I am struggling this much with it, how is a 6 year old supposed to do it? We pray every night.

We prayed tonight.  We said God we are hurting, God we are broken, you are the fixer.  You are the healer.  You are the one true lover that will never ever ever ever leave us.  Fill our hearts with your love.  Heal our hearts, restore them and make them new.  We cannot do this without you.  We forgive daddy for what he has done to us.  We forgive him for the hurt he has caused and we want him to live a happy life.  Show him how much you love him God and fill our hearts with your love.  Fill us with your peace and your rest and your joy.  In Jesus name.  Amen.

That is pretty much exactly what we prayed tonight.

Not everything can be fixed.  Not everything has a physical solution.  Sometimes we just need an ear.  Sometimes we need some coaxing to get what is going on inside of us out.  Majority of the people these days don’t care what we are feeling.  They don’t care what is going on inside of us.  Be the difference.  Make sure you care, especially with those you care the most about.  Lend an ear to someone that is hurting.  Not a solution, just an ear.

You are loved.

She’ll poop it out eventually

Hey People!

Ever swallow a penny?  Nope me either.

But 4 sure did!  Normally I would be like woo! That will be some shiny poop, but let’s not do that again.

Except it was stuck, now don’t panic…she was still breathing, talking and not turning purple, but clearly upset because she could feel it stuck in her neck.  You could actually see a small lump in her throat…FREAKY!

Thank Jesus for google!  She sat on the counter with tears running down her eyes sipping a bottle of water while I whipped out that google.

The first thing I read…go directly to the er, they will have to shove something down her throat and remove it…or have surgery.

Um…next choice?

She will poop it out eventually.  Much better, but it didn’t quite make it to the digestive system yet…hm…

If it’s stuck go to the er.

“Is it still stuck 4?”…I repeatedly asked this as I tried to find more option from my genius friend, Google.

We were there a good 5 minutes when I finally heard “It’s gone down mommy”

Hallelujah!  I was not feeling an ER trip for a penny.

“Please don’t eat anything else 4″…”well except food and drink right mommy?”

She’s so smart.

About ten minutes later she comes out of her room saying her tummy hurts (aka I have to poop).  She got on the can and did her time consuming business.  “I feel so much better now that I pooped the penny out mom.”

“ummm…there is no penny in there hun…it’s going to take a few days.”

“oh I didn’t know that! ha ha ha”

I love my 4 even though she keeps me on my toes pretty much all the time.

She’s the one that first slid down the railing in our new house, slides down the stairs head first on her belly, jumps into the water whether you are paying attention or not and whether she has some sort of flotation device on or not.  The one who climbs the half wall, and squeezes everyone’s head because she just loves us all so much.  The one who has sliced her toe open, had numerous black eyes as a baby, the first to jump off the counter onto the mattress, off the bunk bed onto the other bed…if I ever end up at the hospital with a kid, odds are it’s her.  But she is hilarious through it all.

As 6 put it well a few weeks ago, “You never know what people bring.  I bring manners, baby  brings cuteness, 4 brings joyness and boy brings love.”  That describes them to a tee, t?  definitely not tea.  I’m not even sure what a t has to do with it describing them perfectly.

Thankful for my minions even when they cause so much extra stress.  I wouldn’t change it for the world.

2 months

Tomorrow will be two months since the last time I have spoken to my husband.

Tomorrow will also be two months since any of my children have spoken to their father.

I still miss my husband.  I miss his voice and his cute-ness.  But it’s ok.  I have a future.  I have a mighty good future.  That chapter is closed and it’s ok.  I still miss him, wish I shared my life with him, even daydream about having him around but it’s ok.  As I said I have a future.  I have something even better somewhere and I will find it and it will find me.

2 months.  Wow.

Grey Grey

My grandma came for a visit on the train, my children’s great grandma.

I am so incredibly thankful that my children get to know her before she goes home to heaven.  She is 83 and ready, yet fighting it.  She walks, lifts her 2 year old great grandson, pushes a big double stroller, cooks, cleans…doesn’t stop no matter how much begging you do.  She is a machine.  She says “I’ll have lots of time to rest in Heaven.  I won’t stop until then.”

She is my own personal superwoman.  Other than my mother she is the woman I most look up to in this whole entire world.

She was one of the only people who encouraged me to wait for my prince charming. She believed in me the whole way.  She never doubted who I was and never thought I was strange for choosing to live my life the way I did…I chose to live very differently than the world.  I saw no purpose in dating a thousand men, drinking, sex, partying.  I chose to live for God straight up and my grandma always supported that.

Her house was always immaculate.  Not one ounce of dust.  She took care of her husband until the bitter end when she could no longer take care of her sick husband.    She raised three kids while working full time.  She survived the death of a newborn.  She was raised by her sister and brother in law.

She is a survivor and she thrived.  She believed in me and she loved me.

When I would visit her house she would run behind me in the park (yes run) as I rollerbladed.  We would watch wheel of fortune together, she always made jello for me and we played cards.  We always played cards, that was our thing.  When I visited it was at least twice a day…more like ten times a day.  She made me my favorite homemade mac and cheese or jello with ice cream and we would play cards.  I would wake up in the morning and we would play cards.  We would sit outside on the swing and…yes play cards.  We spent so much time together just playing cards.

The sad thing is…I haven’t played cards with her in a long time.  It is hard to play any sort of game with two babies running around grabbing at everything, sitting on your lap, insisting on playing too.  I miss that.  I miss my grandma.  I miss going to her house as a young adult, just me and her.  It is such a good memory.  I wish my kids could enjoy her like I got to, but I will be thankful that they do get to know her.  There was a point in my life that I didn’t think they would ever get to know her.  There was a point a little over a year and a half ago that I was worried I wouldn’t even be able to go to her funeral.

Make time for those special people in your life.

As I sat in my rocker, rocking my boy to sleep and singing over him.  Reminding him of who he is and who our God is I was comforted by the steady squeak of the chair.  The chair is new to me, but well loved by others.  It’s been used and it’s not what it once was, but there is still life to it.  The squeak reminds me that I may be used, my grandma may be old…things in life happen that wears us down, but as long as our heart is beating there is still life to us and a good one at that.

I am thankful for my “grey grey.”  She is truly my only superhero in my life (other than my awesome parents).  My husband was once included on that list.  I believed so much in him, but he didn’t want that position anymore.  Now my list has three remarkable people on it.

Just another step in life that I must turn the old into happy memories and not be saddened by what I no longer have with my aging grandmother, but be thankful for what I do have.  I still have her sweet smelling hugs every few months and her belief in me that I am living life right.

Thanks grandma.

I am me.

I am me.

That sounds dumb but it’s a truth that we all have to come to grips with.  I am me.  If someone doesn’t love me it’s ok.  Me is not going to change.  Me can grow, but me isn’t going to ever become a different me.  If I become a different person for someone else that’s not ok because that’s not who I am intended to be.  That’s not the person God made.  God made me me and me is someone great.

I have a purpose.

I have a purpose that is more.  It’s more than changing poopy diapers, separating fighting kids, running down the street to meet the school bus because I got distracted by supper.  It’s more than doing the laundry, changing the sheets when they get stinky.  It’s more than texting a friend every once in a  while when life gets tough.  It’s more than budgeting, messing around on Facebook, running around like my head has been chopped off trying to do all the errands in one day with three children in tow.  It’s more than being a day late on every deadline.  It’s more than wiping boogers, monthly doctor visits, pulling my hair out over strep throat and tonsil removal.  It’s more than keeping the van maintained.  My purpose is more.

I have still have a purpose.  It’s not just mother.  It’s not just provider.  It’s more.  I am on this earth for a reason.  Yes it’s to raise amazingly awesome people that grow up to be better than me and who will in turn change the world, but if that is all my purpose is then I am raising them to know that as their only purpose then we are just raising kids over and over again…when does the actual change the world thing come into action?

No.  I have a purpose.  My dreams.  My visions.  My talents and skills.  They are what make me me.  They are what will change the world.  This blog.  I pray will change just one persons life.  Yes it’s at times dark and depressing, but it’s also hope and light.  You aren’t the only one that struggles.  Struggle is real.  Depression is real.  Hurt is real.  You aren’t the only one and there is light.  There is hope.  We can get through it.  We will get through it if we hold on to the hope that there is always tomorrow and there is still good in the world.

My purpose.  Was to lead those handful of children to Christ 4 years ago.  It was to love on those kids last week.  It was to give that message to the church on Sunday.  My purpose was to buy the person in line behind me Tim Hortons.  To show them love is real and exists still.  My purpose is to grow.  I grow by stretching, by learning. My purpose to continue to learn.  To continue to give.  My purpose is to pursue my dreams.  My dreams of a book, of preaching, of loving on people – complete strangers.  Not the love the world knows.

A love that knows no limits.  One that loves even when it isn’t loved in return.  One that loves and sees the best in the people that hurt you the most.  My job is to show this.  To teach this.  This is the the love that God has and this is the love that I have because He lives in me and I am made in His image.  (Gal 2:20, 1 Cor. 3:16 & Gen 1:27).

It is my purpose to defeat depression…to defeat defeat.  Every good and perfect thing is from God…depression, defeat, an ill mind is not a good thing…it’s not from God.

The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy…that’s what depression is.  It kills hope, steals motivation and destroys your mind.  That’s the enemy.

My purpose is to overcome this.  My purpose is show the way.  God is the way.

If you don’t think so, that’s fine.  That’s His little bit of sovereignty He gave us.  Free choice.  Free will.  It’s your choice and I can do nothing to make you change your mind.  No argument or discussion will make you chose and God sure isn’t going to force you to chose Him.  That’s not free choice.  He didn’t make us machines to do His every beckon thing and call.  He DID NOT make us machines.  We do what we want.  We chose what we want.  He wouldn’t be a good God if he forced us to do anything.  He isn’t going to force us to go to heaven and He isn’t going to force us to receive good things and He isn’t going to force us to walk in His perfect plan for our lives.  It’s our choice.

Now I am choosing to fill myself up with good.  I choose to worship almost every moment I’m in the car.  I chose to remind myself of who I am.  I am me and it’s ok.  I have a purpose.  I am here for a reason that is defended as more than just mother and an abandonded single woman.  I chose to rear up out of that pit that sneaks up. I chose to not stair at the wall and let life go on around me.  I chose to not let my kids raise themselves because my mind isn’t functioning at full capacity.

I chose more.  I chose to live my life with the purpose that God intended.  I chose to make it to every Bible study so I can fill up with God’s truth and word.  I chose to write this blog so I can actively fulfill of this purpose.  I chose a life of abundance, walking in His purpose for my life.

A beautiful scripture.

Psalms 139:13-15

For You formed my innermost parts;
You knit me [together] in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was being formed in secret,
And intricately and skillfully formed [as if embroidered with many colors] in the depths of the earth.

God had a purpose for me the moment I entered my momma’s womb.  He put my spirit in there and that spirit had a purpose.  My purpose didn’t begin when I was birthed or when I entered adult hood.  I purpose began the moment I was conceived.   God knew what he was doing make me my mommas child.

And I am fearfully and wonderfully made!  I am wonderful! God says so.  He intricately formed every little part of me.  He put time and effort into making the wonderful me.  If God spent so much time and effort into my every little detail…I must me pretty special….I must be pretty special as ME!

A little bit of the wonderful me is in this little dude too…I better get it together to show him there is so much more.

Photo on 10-1-15 at 10.19 PM

Cry

Have you have gotten in the shower and just started crying?  The kind that crunches your belly up and comes from the gut, yet you try to silence it so no one can hear you?

Me too.

That is my only safe place to cry in the calm of the night when everyone is fast asleep.  Sometimes you just need to cry.

Hoping the tears will wash away some of the pain, the grossness, the despair on the inside of you.

Wondering what the problem is.  Why do you feel so broken.  So unable to function like a regular human being?  So inadequate, so incapable.  Why are you broken?

Then you realize as you have yourself seated at the bottom of the tub with the shower running over your head still trying to wash it all away because you are tired of feeling like dirt from all the feelings of incompetence that it all may just be rooted in the fact that you hate yourself.

Where did that come from?  You never thought of that before, but when you begin to think about it seriously, you hate yourself.  You look at your thighs, your rolling striped belly and you hate yourself.  For who you have become.  For letting all these reckless emotions and mind games reek havoc on your mind, emotions and in turn body.  You hate yourself.  You should not have let it get this far.  The inability to function at full capacity.  The inability to raise your children the way you dreamed of raising them (even without a husband).  The failure you have been at not reaching your parenting goals.  Your fitness goals, your financial goals, your personal goals, your dreams, your visions…your parenting…your offspring are being let down tremendously.  You aren’t there mentally for them like you should be.  You are struggling to get through the day, moment to moment and they are being pushed to the side, being put in second place because you can’t seem to find anything to put first place so everything goes there…basically making you first place…you aren’t satisfied so that urge to eat comes over the child asking for attention.  The need to sit for a moment comes before you child’s need to eat.  The need to check your Facebook or texts or emails comes over your child’s need for supervision doing their chores and your parenting dreams and goals and standards slowly slip down the slide until you hate yourself for not being the parent you want to be.

This realization of the root of your brokenness has to be the start of something.  It’s a lightbulb goes off in your head.  Maybe finding the root and really seeing it, not just knowing it’s there but seeing it will let you begin to pull at that root and eventually snip some of it away and then remove it.  Replacing it with something healthy and good for you.

You lift your heavy body out of the tub and as you step out you remember that there is someone out there in the world that has experienced greater pain than you.  There is someone out there that is hurting more than you right now.  You aren’t the only one and your pain isn’t so bad.  Someone has it worse.  It’s going to be ok.

Series of Unfortunate Events

Life has been the non stop series of unfortunate events lately….

Seriously, the scale…my gravitational pull just keeps increasing…

My van which I just paid $400 to fix 2 weeks ago…is back at the garage making a weird whining noise…I have enough whining in my house…and…I’m hoping that the other thing it’s doing isn’t my transmission…arg…yes 2 weeks ago.

Let’s see what else…ah yes, my children’s faces…boy smashed his face on my footboard a few weeks ago…I’m quite surprised he still has his teeth…I may have told you this…anyways his face is still bruised from that on his left cheek…and then two days ago he randomly tripped and smashed his face on the wooden post under the deck…so now he has a shiner on his right eye, he randomly cut his nose too the same day and…got a bloody mouth all over again…yes.  And now I’m pretty certain he has strep or a really bad ear infection…to the doctor we will go…did i say I don’t have a van because it’s at the garage?  Oh yes.

Then there is my little baby, well not so little anymore 13 big old months.   She has a random bruise on her cheek, a cut on the bridge of her nose and as I was assisting her in sitting back down in the tub she bonked her face…making me feel like the worst parent alive as I wiped up yet more blood… oh and she is on antibiotics for an ear infection.

No matter how much I scrub their little adorable faces I can’t clean the bruises off or the poor bags from under their eyes from not feeling well 😦

4 may have strep again and is on a waiting list to have her tonsils removed.  That is horrifyingly scary for this mommy.  Why do I want to put her through a surgery?  Have her stay overnight in the hospital and then have a two week recovery?  Blah.  No more strep. A decision that makes me so sad.  God gave us tonsils for a reason right?  The doctor just smiled at me when I asked him that.  Anyways tomorrow I call to begin the process for the surgery whatever that may entail and will probably take a few months.

On top of that the kids have been fighting like cats and dogs…seriously 6 yells so much and they have all become defiant.  They have decided that now is a good time to test mommy again and see if she will really stand her ground.  “no” “no” “no”…even baby…”NAAAWWWW”   arg.  I have chased my kids up the bunk bed, under the bed, under the tables and behind the toilets this week…yes they will not win!

But to be totally honest basically any mom confidence I had is pretty much gone.  I feel utterly defeated.

He hasn’t called in weeks.  That still makes me want to barf.  Will it ever stop?  He is now just part of our conversations…daddy used to do this, we used to do this…he’s a memory.  And I’m happy to say he’s a happy memory for the most part.

We still struggle with separation at times, emotional outbursts when certain grandparents Skype or call and some conversations of sorting things in our heads.  4 is still not convinced that we are staying in this home for a long time.  She is ready to move again, I am just constantly reassuring her that this is our home for a long time now.  Boy keeps asking to go home too.  I’m not sure where home is for him.  😦

I’ll be completely honest.  As you’ve probably noticed with my low and downbeat blogs lately, I’ve been really struggling on the inside.  Motivation and focus is gone.  Self-esteem is out the window and my eating and exercise habits are very unhealthy.   I’ve never been so unhealthy in my entire life and hope that I never get to this place again.

Now just to step over this hurdle of an emotional mess so I can start desiring to take care of myself again.

I was asked to speak at church today.  I thought that was kind of a joke.  I am in no way suited for the task…on my own, but I gave it to God and I know He can use me even if I’m broken.  He choses the broken and weak 1 Corinthians 1:27.  He can use me as I am, broken and imperfect.

So I stood in front of the church today.  Said “God use me for such a time as this.  I can’t do this on my own, speak through me” and we had a great service.  And I trust that at least one life was changed today.

God can use you where you are.  He can use you in the midst of your series of unfortunate events.  He can use you in your own personal struggles.  He is a God of the impossible.  Trust Him.

Focused with Purpose

Photo on 9-20-15 at 5.38 PM Photo on 9-20-15 at 5.41 PM

Today was filled with church in which all 8 kids in kids church said the prayer of salvation together, some for the first time.  Woop woop!

Then it was filled with chores, that everyone pitched in on.  The house is reorganized, clean  and ready for the week….except for the mirrors…I have forgotten for the past month to buy windex every time I’ve gone to the store!…ick…the hand prints have taken over.

Although I must say it is wonderful to have so many mirror choices after living for a year in a house with one small mirror in a bathroom that all 5 of us huddled around every morning and that wouldn’t even show us our whole outfit.  Now we have 3 full length mirrors and a humongous amazing gorgeous bathroom mirror.  Booh ya!

Next it involved banana splits and the new Cinderella movie which was totally awesome and pretty child appropriate in my opinion and I’m a picky opinion most of the time when it comes to media.

Then the kids played outside while I prepped for the week and got my head around it.  I now know what I have to do and it’s written down so I can accomplish my goals. How am I supposed to know what my purpose and plans are this week if I don’t write them down?  You can’t purposefully live if you don’t think of that purpose first.

Then we had bath and bed…bath time is finally down pat…only took me 6 years to find a routine that works for us…sheesh.

Bed…still a work in progress as you can see by this head on my shoulder.

Photo on 9-20-15 at 9.29 PM

Sometimes the battle isn’t worth it and to be completely honest I enjoy the bedtime cuddles.  The company is nice and the heavy breathing is soothing.

Live on purpose, live with focus and live with a plan for action.

That’s my motto lately.

Coming up with plans to better support my kiddos financially.

Plans to teach them french.

Plans to get in their activities they would like to do and that will benefit them to be better people…the arts, sports, skills.

Plans for giving – investing in the church with my time and talents.

Plans for getting me the social support I need – aka hanging out with friends that I am slowly connecting with and reconnecting with my bestest old one!

Plans to grow me – right now that’s with books.

That’s my life lately and I quite enjoy it all actually!

What do you want?  How are you going to get it?

Stay focused with a purpose.