It’s nice not to hate myself.

Ever come across something you forgot existed?

Before I get to that…I can feel the fire inside me spreading again.  The good kind of fire, the fire of passion for life, passion for my purpose, passion for God and actually reading His word.  I can feel it starting to burn inside of me again, it’s starting to consume me again…know what?  I find that I’m actually starting to love myself again, because of this passion.  Because that is who I am.  I am starting to love myself again because I know beauty is fleeting but a woman who loves the Lord is more beautiful than all.  Know what?  When I look in the mirror I actually am beginning to smile at my reflection, I am seeing a beautiful woman again, the inside is coming out.  I feel beautiful.  It’s nice not to hate myself.

Back to the thing I forgot existed.  I came across one tonight.  I randomly opened my Bible…because that is where I am at.  Half wanting, half forcing myself to read and flipping it open and trusting that is where God wants me.  One day I will be back to purposefully pursuing and studying and finding the scriptures on my own, but I am where I am and I accept that and God can work with that.

Back to my story.  My Bible opened to Proverbs 31.  Hello.  The chapter specifically written by God about His beautiful creatures…women.

Basically this verse is a mom talking to her son who is King.  This is his moms advice.  I forgot this chapter was in the Bible…I wonder who tried to erase this encouraging chapter from my mind?  I know exactly who and it worked, for a moment.  Well a long moment in my life, but I let God show me again.

First thing I find quite interesting is she tells her son, the King that slutty women and  alcohol are not for kings, for leaders.   I find it interesting that it says alcohol.  The Bible says don’t get drunk, don’t loose a sober state of mind, but then Jesus Himself made wine for a wedding. The Bible also says that it can cure an upset stomach. So there can’t be anything wrong with it, but it clearly says not to loose a sober state of mind.  I’ve always steered clear and not liked it and Proverbs 31 encourages my beliefs.

It says liquor is not for leaders.  Leaders should not crave it.  It is addictive.  Leaders should just steer clear to avoid the temptation of overindulging.  This may sound cocky but I am a leader.  I don’t sit by the sidelines.  I am not a casual christian.  I live for God, not perfect, but my life is for Him. I don’t want to be a follower.  I’m not ok to be an average Joe. I choose to live morally correct in this crazy falling apart world that no longer has any standards of living that God clearly wrote out for us to live by.  I chose to pursue Him because He loves me and He loves this world regardless of who they are and what they do.  He loves them straight up.  He forgave them before they even knew Him.  He let His Son die before He even knew if anyone would choose to follow Him.  That’s how much He loves the world and I want the world to know, through my life and the way I live it.

For me it has been easy to steer clear of liquor.  For others it’s not.  I get it and I am not judging.  Not one sin is worse than another.   James 2:10 “And the person who keeps every law of God but makes one little slip is just as guilty as the person who has broken every law there is.”  I have my own problems with anger and donuts and so many others.  I just found it encouraging that a mother of the King is giving him advice that liquor is not for leaders.

Then she goes on to tell him all about a wife he should be looking for and man…that woman is amazing.

She is capable and virtuous (she lives according to God’s morals), she is trusted and enriches his life not hinders it.  She makes his life better.  She works hard, provides, is diligent, is not lazy, gets up early to cook for her family and to prepare and plan the day for her servants, she is organized, she invests money wisely.  She is energetic, strong, and hard working.  That means her body is taken care of…I’m sorry you can’t be extremely overweight and energetic.  I know I’m not and is something I find is changing as I see how beautiful I am again, I slowly feel the desire to take care of myself come back.  She watches for bargains for purchases and business, she works into the night, she helps the poor, takes in the needy, is creative, she doesn’t worry because her family is taken care of by her because she has prepared and worked hard to accomplish her plan.  She takes care of herself and dresses beautifully, like royalty.  She knows who she is and how precious she is and she dresses accordingly.  She makes her own things.  She is dignified, acts like a lady.  That means her speech is proper, her actions are proper.  She laughs with no fear of the future.  She enjoys life.  Lives in the moment because she knows her God has taken care of her and she has diligently taken care of everything that needs to be done.  She speaks wisely, not brashly or stupidly and she speaks with kindness.  She corrects lovingly, she isn’t rude, she doesn’t have a sailors mouth either.  She watches carefully over everything going on in her house, there is no turned eye from anything and doesn’t have to deal with the results of laziness…because she clearly isn’t lazy.  In turn her children love her and her husband does too.

Wow.  That is one amazing woman and some very high standards for us to live up to.  That is my goal.  To be that woman that God describes.  Yes it seems nearly impossible to attain, but this mother was explaining to her son about this kind of woman he needs to find… I don’t doubt that his mother was the very example of this woman.  If one person can do it.  We can too and we have a God that helps us.  He is our helper.

Can you imaging a world where all the women acted like this precious lady who loved the Lord?

Wow.

I had forgotten about this goal I have had since I was 16 years old.  It is refreshed in my mind and is back on my focus.  Whether I have a husband or not I am going to passionately pursue being this perfect wife.   This perfect woman who fears God.  I will focus on developing myself into the perfect wife for my special someone regardless if I get that someone or not.   I want to be this lady who’s children love her, who is a blessing to the community and is a prized possession.

God loves me and it’s exciting.

Preach it

So reading tonight…woo hoo I read!

I turned to Joshua cause I love that story and in Joshua 1:6-9.  Basically God is talking to Joshua right after Moses died.  It says…

Be strong and courageous, for you will lead my people to posses all the land I swore to give their ancestors.  Be strong and very courageous.  Obey all the laws Moses gave you.  Do not turn away from them, and you will be successful in everything you do.  Study this Book of the Law continually.  Meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it.  Only then will you succeed.  I command you – be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid or discouraged.  For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.  

Man I love this.  First off God is a good God.  He only wants the best for us.  “Every good and perfect gift is from Him”…”The their (devil) comes to steal, kill, and destroy”…God doesn’t send anything imperfect our way.

If something bad happens it’s either the devil or actually very often our own faults.  If I were to run across a highway and got hit by a speeding car and died…that was not God.  That was not the devil that killed me either…it was my own un-wise selfs fault.

Next, back in the “day” aka Bible days, pre Jesus, the people had to obey the ten commandments (the law).  We today just have to love and live for Jesus because He has forgiven us from all this and if we truly love and live for Him then we will eventually automatically obey the laws without even trying.  As we study the “Book of the Law” (the Bible) we will be filled with it and we will just start to live right.  It’s not something we can try to do on our own.  We cannot be perfect out of our own strength, but when we are so full of God and His Word we get transformed from our heart out to our bodies that like to do what they want.

Basically this awesome verse is saying, get in the Word, read it, speak it (meditate it), soak it in and then we will be successful in everything we do.  Yes God was talking to Joshua, but God doesn’t have favorites, so what goes for Joshua goes for us too.

We will be successful in everything we do.  That business I am about to start…success.  This child rearing I’m putting my hand to…success.  That financial stability I’m trying to attain…success.  This church I am helping get off the ground…Success!!

I love at the end it says to “not be afraid or discouraged”…it is so easy to get discouraged.  What’s the point?  No one is coming, no one cares, no one is helping…it’s so easy, but right here God says to not be discouraged because God is with us everywhere we go, wether it’s where He wants us or not, He’s there.  And whatever we do we will succeed if we are keeping His Word (Bible) in our hearts…yay!

“Whatever I set my hand to will prosper!”  Keep in me.  I can’t survive or succeed in this life without it.

Wish

“Maybe we can go visit daddy someday soon mommy”…said 4

6 was drawing pictures of him the other day about him dressing up in a suit to go to work but sneaking tools in his suitcase to build something there…strange, he’s never worn a suit.

I can’t escape him.  I don’t necessarily want to, but it’s hard putting him as a memory when in all reality he’s existing and living a life in which he chooses to not include his children.  They want him…he clearly doesn’t want them.  It’s a struggle that I will probably have to live with my whole life.

I wish I could just get a divorce.

I wish I had control over my body and could lose this weight that I so rapidly gained.  I disgust myself.  Yet I have to learn to love myself for the sake of my children.  They need to love themselves and need an example of how to do that.

I wish I had a real man in my life one that would take my children and be a daddy they deserve.  Is that even possible?

Reality versus hope is absurd.  Hope that I will find someone who loves me for me versus reality that I am a single mother of four children, who wants that?

Sleep is a thing that doesn’t come at night, weight is a thing that clings to me and multiplies unwantedly and four beautiful faces that all vie for my attention awaits me nearly every single moment of the day.  Thank God for His help.  I could use some more.

One seriously pissed off mother

Love apparently one of the hardest things on the planet to understand yet the whole reason we were created.

It shouldn’t be so hard to love like we are supposed to when we were created for it.

I’ll make it simple, love doesn’t expect a 6 year old to be perfect and refuse to come back until 6 behaves in those standards

Love loves her the way she is and for who she is now.  Leaving her makes her feel unloved which makes her misbehave anymore.

Seriously what’s with all these people in my life that don’t get this.  Love is not a feeling and love is not conditional.  It wants to be with someone regardless.  Don’t say you love someone then expect them to be perfect and abandon them because they don’t meet your unreasonable standards.

One seriously pissed off mother and it isn’t even regarding her father…yeesh.

More

I so badly want more.

I want completion.  Closure.  I want to end this phase of my life right.

I want to live with a husband.  I want to form a new baby in my belly.  I want to go through the trials and struggles and joys of creating  human body in my body.  I want to go through the pain of childbirth and I want to hold a new final baby in my arms with a whole and complete family by my side.

I want to raise my family with a husband in our house.  I want to dream with a husband, Make plans for our future, make plans to grow old and for adventures.  I want to finish this young family part of my life properly, with a forever by my side.

I want to love again and be loved.

God, you are faithful and just and you finish and complete everything you start.  Finish and complete my family Lord!

“He who started a good work in you will carry it to completion” Philippians 1:6

“She wouldn’t let loneliness tell her what to feel instead she believed the truth in the one who would never leave her alone.”  – Unveiled wife.

Que. waterworks

When it rains it pours…

No idea where it comes from but ARG! (reading over this – I do know where it comes from, from people’s choices and from an enemy that is trying to destroy us)

Sometimes I just want to pack up my kids and start again somewhere else.  Find a church that is big and I don’t have to do kids church every single Sunday, a church where the work is shared and people understand about giving no just financially but of their time too.  It’s a family, it’s a calling, it’s not just a one persons calling.  If you are called to go to that church then you are called to do what that church is called to do, so get up and do it because you are that church. End vent.

Find a place where I can settle with my kids, that accepts the way I parent.  My daughter has issues.  She has triggers.  She has a broken heart that has had a bandaid on it for quite sometime now and underneath it is a festering wound.  Eventually it’s going to get bumped and she is going to scream out in agony. “Do you feel that daddy loves you now?”….”not one little bit”…Que. waterworks.

Family visited it.  6 always acts up, i.e..  throws all out red in the face, scream, kick, flail around tantrums when this one family member visits.  I realized this pattern today and tried my best to nip it in the butt and get to the root of the issue.  The issue isn’t her being defiant and crazy the issue is that she has been flooded with emotions and memories that have overtaken her and she can’t get a grip on what she is feeling or why she is feeling it.  They are so overwhelming she gets sad and mad and she looses control of her body.

Some people think I’m being played by her, some people think I’m a sissy parent.  I am parenting the way I believe is best for this child.  I will do it my way.  If I mess up that’s my responsibility in the end, between God and me, not you and me.

This family member makes her feel like she’s naughty all the time.  This family member she remembers being daddies favorite family member on my side.  6 has memories of disappointing her daddy when she got in trouble.  When she is told she is naughty she feels unloved.  When she feels unloved she is reminded that she isn’t loved by her daddy.  One of the few people that is supposed to love her unconditionally.  She is hurting.  It was triggered today.

My daughter is hurting.  I keep asking God how do I fix it?  I want to fix my baby girl. 4 has tantrums but those are just caused by exhaustion and are easy fixes.  Boy and baby and even 4 have very few if any memories of daddy.  Their heart wasn’t full of him so when he left there was less ripped out of their heart then with 6.  He was her daddy.  He was a huge piece of her.  He was her first love.

He left her.  He left his daughter and he took half her heart with him.  She is broken and she is trying her darndest to fix herself and thank God she is looking in the right places, but if I am struggling this much with it, how is a 6 year old supposed to do it? We pray every night.

We prayed tonight.  We said God we are hurting, God we are broken, you are the fixer.  You are the healer.  You are the one true lover that will never ever ever ever leave us.  Fill our hearts with your love.  Heal our hearts, restore them and make them new.  We cannot do this without you.  We forgive daddy for what he has done to us.  We forgive him for the hurt he has caused and we want him to live a happy life.  Show him how much you love him God and fill our hearts with your love.  Fill us with your peace and your rest and your joy.  In Jesus name.  Amen.

That is pretty much exactly what we prayed tonight.

Not everything can be fixed.  Not everything has a physical solution.  Sometimes we just need an ear.  Sometimes we need some coaxing to get what is going on inside of us out.  Majority of the people these days don’t care what we are feeling.  They don’t care what is going on inside of us.  Be the difference.  Make sure you care, especially with those you care the most about.  Lend an ear to someone that is hurting.  Not a solution, just an ear.

You are loved.

She’ll poop it out eventually

Hey People!

Ever swallow a penny?  Nope me either.

But 4 sure did!  Normally I would be like woo! That will be some shiny poop, but let’s not do that again.

Except it was stuck, now don’t panic…she was still breathing, talking and not turning purple, but clearly upset because she could feel it stuck in her neck.  You could actually see a small lump in her throat…FREAKY!

Thank Jesus for google!  She sat on the counter with tears running down her eyes sipping a bottle of water while I whipped out that google.

The first thing I read…go directly to the er, they will have to shove something down her throat and remove it…or have surgery.

Um…next choice?

She will poop it out eventually.  Much better, but it didn’t quite make it to the digestive system yet…hm…

If it’s stuck go to the er.

“Is it still stuck 4?”…I repeatedly asked this as I tried to find more option from my genius friend, Google.

We were there a good 5 minutes when I finally heard “It’s gone down mommy”

Hallelujah!  I was not feeling an ER trip for a penny.

“Please don’t eat anything else 4″…”well except food and drink right mommy?”

She’s so smart.

About ten minutes later she comes out of her room saying her tummy hurts (aka I have to poop).  She got on the can and did her time consuming business.  “I feel so much better now that I pooped the penny out mom.”

“ummm…there is no penny in there hun…it’s going to take a few days.”

“oh I didn’t know that! ha ha ha”

I love my 4 even though she keeps me on my toes pretty much all the time.

She’s the one that first slid down the railing in our new house, slides down the stairs head first on her belly, jumps into the water whether you are paying attention or not and whether she has some sort of flotation device on or not.  The one who climbs the half wall, and squeezes everyone’s head because she just loves us all so much.  The one who has sliced her toe open, had numerous black eyes as a baby, the first to jump off the counter onto the mattress, off the bunk bed onto the other bed…if I ever end up at the hospital with a kid, odds are it’s her.  But she is hilarious through it all.

As 6 put it well a few weeks ago, “You never know what people bring.  I bring manners, baby  brings cuteness, 4 brings joyness and boy brings love.”  That describes them to a tee, t?  definitely not tea.  I’m not even sure what a t has to do with it describing them perfectly.

Thankful for my minions even when they cause so much extra stress.  I wouldn’t change it for the world.