Where it all began.

Nearly 7 years ago we met at a Bible school.  Yes a Bible school.  We are both christians.  We both love Jesus.  How my life changed so drastically I honestly can’t tell you.  But back to the story.

We met at Bible school and our relationship moved fast.  Within three months we were married.  I don’t regret marrying him.  Yet I know marrying so fast may have been a mistake and I don’t recommend it to anyone.  Confusing?  Yes, I know it makes no sense.

As I said I don’t regret marrying him.  I know God had big plans for us as a couple.  Yes now most of of the time I deal with hate, anger, sorrow when I think of him and our wedding day, but I know deep down I’m not to regret it.  He wasn’t a mistake.

Our wedding day was simple.  At the courthouse.  I made him wear his sexy leather coat.  I wore jeans and a shirt.  I was so nervous I don’t remember any of the words I said, but I know it was the traditional wedding speech.  “Through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer”…and on and on.  He was cute, handsome, sexy.  I was excited to get married and was ready to be with him the rest of my life no matter what life would bring on us we could get through it.

I had waited my whole life to get married.  I had the scrapbooks made, yet I never got to use them.  I started a journal to my husband when I was 16.  I prayed for my husband daily from about the age of 16 to when I got married at 20 (or was it 21?).  I was a virgin.

He didn’t save himself for me.  I tried not to hold it against him.  Maybe I failed, I don’t know.  I do know I often wondered if he compared me to other woman.  Regardless that’s where our lives together began.

We had four children (well one he hasn’t even met as I was very pregnant when we separated).   We moved around a ton.  He couldn’t keep a job for very long.  Ironically his longest held job was as a youth pastor.  Yes we were youth pastors and that was one of the most fulfilling times of my life.

But something happened.  He got restless.  His need to provide went into overdrive.  We were living in a house that was way to expensive for us and he wouldn’t consider trying to get out of our lease to find a smaller place where we were planted.  He moved across country and I was left with two kids and the decision to follow him or leave him.  I thought I was being a good wife and followed trusting that God would provide for me even though I didn’t think we were supposed to go.  But my husband went, what else was I supposed to do?

We followed.  I was pregnant.  I am horrible at being pregnant.  Sick the whole time.  This got on his nerves.  I had a hard time cleaning, taking care of the kids, cooking and being a wife/mom.  He didn’t really understand.  I would hope if he understood he would have helped more, but instead he got more miserable.  We did have good times though.

Eventually we ended up having to move again and again and again.  My children haven’t lived in a place more than a year now that I think about it.

Now I’ve lived my life always serving God.  I have never had alcohol (that’s my personal choice), never smoked, don’t even know what most drugs look like, think cruising is very unattractive and never seen porno.  I’m not saying I’m perfect, I have my own different struggles, but these ones were easy for me to avoid and  I figure Jesus wouldn’t do those so why should I?  My husband on the other hand grew up with these all around.  He lived in this until the day he accepted Jesus and then very soon after went to Bible school.

Eventually I started to find a porno magazine or dvd here and there.  Receipts for alcohol and tops to them.  Cigars, chew, and a vaporizer.  Yet he constantly had a story about why he had them, never once admitted they were his.  He started looking for job in other towns and started having excuses to stay away.   Eventually he found a job in another city and ended up just visiting on weekends.  He was living with a “friend.”  He got a bank account in that city.  One without my name on it.  I found a ladies shirt in his car.  i saw money come out of our joint account for restaurants that would pay for two people not just him.   I found a hotel bill that he had hidden.  I found a picture of him with a girl…and their heads where on a pillow.  He hardly ever wanted to have sex with me.  And kept complaining that we truly weren’t intimate.  And he would never ever let me see his phone or give me the password.

Yes I am stupid.  I am naive.  I forgave him, blew it off and believed him every single time he came up with an excuse.  Every single time.  I just want to cry and weep and wish I had seen it all from the beginning.  It probably all started years ago.  I wish I had known.  When you don’t want to see something, you don’t.  People may judge you for sticking around, but they will never understand.  I always said I would never leave my husband unless he hurt us.  He never physically hurt us.  I never truly thought about what I would do if he cheated.

While I still had blinders on and he was still blinding me with his silver tongue.  We had decided that once again we were going to move and this would be forever.  It was once again a huge sell everything kind of move.  So I prepared and he continued to “work” in the other town.  Leaving me to do everything.  When he was home we spent days searching for a bigger vehicle since I was pregnant with our fourth.  Two days before the kids and I moved we said goodbye to daddy as he went back to work and we would see him when the new baby came.  I cleaned the house, finished delivering stuff to donate and was up for 50 something hours straight.  He couldn’t even take a day off work to drive us to the airport.  The day we flew out I received a text saying “I’m going to miss you guys, but I’m excited for where we are going.”  I smiled.

The kids and I settled into our new home with our couple of suitcases.  I had brought all our 6000 in savings and he was going to send us money as we got established and was going to follow in a few months.

We talked every day, during the day while he was at work.  Come 6pm he went to “bed”.  I started to get irritated and blamed it on porn and drinking.  A month went by and calls to the kids became less.  And not once did we receive any money.  A month and a half later I finally emailed him a “wife” email and said step up and provide for us.  I received an email back.  It said I’m tired of this and can’t provide for you alone.  I don’t want to provide for you anymore.  I’m not happy anymore.  I’m only with you because of the kids.

And that was that.  We were separated.  He no longer loved me.  He didn’t want to provide for me (or the kids) and I can’t make him happy.  Mostly what I got out of it was that I was not loved.  I wept and started the process of grieving and began to see things in a different light.  Manipulation, unhappiness and problems.

A good thing and bad thing about him is that he easily moves on and forgets problems.  So a week later I received a call after a week of no communication.  He said he was sorry and then acted as if nothing happened.  But something did happen.  He didn’t love me.  He couldn’t show me he loved me.  It’s easy to say something but not easy to show it to someone especially miles away.  He never said I was beautiful.  He still never answered his phone after 6 or on the weekends.  He never sent anything.  No money, no letters, no emails.  He didn’t love me.

So I gave my list of demands.  If he truly wanted to come back then I needed a man of God and my kids needed a father like Christ….long story short…he came very short of this.

Since July our relationship has been casual conversation.  We couldn’t talk about our more serious problems.  We needed help, counseling.  But wouldn’t get it.  He still didn’t provide for us.  We said we are separated.  Yet I always had hope that God could restore anything.  There is always hope.

My due date arrived and my number one support wasn’t there.  I disliked him very much at that time, but he was still the only one I truly wanted with me.  He wasn’t there.  He didn’t really care.  His reaction to finding out we were having a girl was negative.  I wish he had just showed up.  I wish he had fought for our relationship. I wish he had cared.

She is 4 weeks old.  He has only asked how she is specifically once.  He has only asked how I am after a c-section once.  He has never asked about our one year old.  I can count on my hand how many times he has talked to our two older children.

I started reading marriage books.  I started reading the Bible hoping for insight as to what to do.  I had to have hope that he would want me again.  That things could get better.  You always hear of husbands and wives that separate for a few months and then get back together and have long lasting marriages.  I decided to try to remember the good times we had.  I would text him every day about the good times.  I never received any texts back.

A week after I had our daughter and about a week into these texts I received an email.   It went something like this…

I failed as a husband, a child of God and a father.  I have been drinking, chewing, and using my vaporizer.  I have been looking at porno every day.  I have cheated on you.  You have waited your whole life for me and I have ruined (life for you).  The biggest turning point was when you said you fantasized about being married to another man, I figured why not.  …I have let my frustrations with life cause me to do a lot of things I’m not proud of. (short version)

This email shook my world.  Shook me to the core.  He cheated on me.  Yet as you can read he blamed it on me.  All the lies.  All the blaming me for things that he did (not mentioned) were to cover his guilt.

He cheated on me.  He not only cheated, he was having an affair.  He was spending his life, his time, his money, his sex on someone else.  Not only that, but he no longer had anything to give to his kids.  She was more important that not only me, but  his  kids too.  He says that his kids are the most important thing in his life, but if they were he would have given our relationship a fighting chance for his kids sake.  He would spend less on this woman and send it to his kids.  He would call them every day. He would move.

He was cheating on me.  The overwhelming amount of emotions that I got hit with and still do is exhausting.  It is unshakable at times.  The emotions and the thoughts.  I hate him.  Yet I still love him.  That thought disgusts me currently.  The image of his face still makes my heart melt.  The sound of his voice does too.  But the thoughts, the memories they disgust me.  This is essentially what this blog is about.  The confusion, the choas that my insides are currently in.  It sucks.  Life can suck at times.  But there is hope.

After reading, and praying and thinking and hating and weeping and staring at walls I wrote him an email.

It said exactly this…

hi

I never knew I could go through feelings of hurt, hopelessness, and hate and rage in a matter of seconds.  It often feels like I am drowning.  
I don’t understand why you lied for so so so long.  I don’t understand why you don’t want to change or can’t even say sorry or ask for forgiveness.  I don’t understand so many things and with the communication that you have not been doing I doubt I will ever understand.  
I wish things were different.  I fell in love with you nearly 6 years and 11 months ago.  That’s a long time to be in love and I will probably love you for a long time after.
 You chose me then.  You chose me.  I didn’t force myself onto you.  I didn’t do anything special for you to chose me.  I didn’t twist your arm or say anything fancy.  You just chose me.
It is clear now that you no longer chose me.  So I will stop forcing myself onto you.  I have fought enough for our marriage and realize now how naive and stupid I am, that all along you have not wanted me.  The booze receipts, the hotel, the tablet pictures, the hiding of the phone to hide porno and whatever else, the purchasing meals for her, the extended stays, the ladies shirt in the car…for a long time now you never really wanted me.  You were looking for a way out.  I will no longer make you stay, it is your decision, in your hands.  If you chose to never text or call again I accept your decision.  
This whole situation has been horrible but I will be ok.  God will get me and the kids through.  He always chooses us.  We had some really good memories and I will always remember them.  I forgive you.  I’m not God, I probably will never forget, but I am choosing to forgive you …for everything.  I pray that He keeps you safe and that He will guide you in the years to come.  
Your first true love,
Forgiveness.  I forgive him even though he only recently truly said I’m sorry and even though he may never chose me or the kids.  I forgive him.   Some days I have to forgive him every ten minutes.  And I can only do it with God’s grace.  But I forgive him.
I cannot leave this blog in anger or hate or negative feelings.  So I will leave with some good memories.  Shooting targets with him.  Standing at the side of a highway by a sign kissing him.  The card after the birth of our son that said “You’re the woman of my dreams.  I’m so proud of you”.  Him asking to hold my hand for the first time.  And him holding me at night.
I forgive him.