Journal Entry

This is the final journal entry that I had written.

September 13 2014

Well today was a new day.  2 days in a row…bummer.  Physically it was a pretty good day.  Hangout, costco, picnic in living room, movie night and hide and seek.  Just a lot of anger.  I spent over an hour looking for the girl your with on Facebook.  I hate you.  I want you back.  I don’t need you back.  It’s a bad thing for me.  you’re a bad thing for me.  I never have a conversation with you saying “shit”.  It’s unattractive.  Whoever your with must be a special woman.  Are we worth more than rubies?  How does that work?  I feel like I’m worth crap.  How can we both be worth the same?  She is with a married man.  She acts horribly.  What am I?!  This sucks.  God what am I?  I’m lonely.  It’s so quiet.  I’m so angry.  It’s hard to control.  Its hard to keep my emotions in check.  To correct the kids in love.  To not be depressed.  Does he think this is easy?  Does he think it’s nothing?  That it doesn’t hurt?  It hurts. It hurts.  It hurts.  one day he will read all this and think I’m so dramatic still or will he understand?  I hate him.  He is wrong on so many levels.  I need help.  I can’t navigate this alone.  How am I supposed to live without him?  Raise 4 kids, be in ministry?  Find a job?

“Do you want me to fight for you?”  Yes God.  I can’t do this life alone.  I waited 21 years faithfully.  Dedicated all to you.  I received my gift and 7 years later it was defective.  My gift left me God.  Are you aware?  Can I get a new one?  Can I please get a new one?  One that won’t break me?  Leave me feeling hollow?  I want to make him jealous.  Maybe I can just in God’s presence till I can see hope again, live properly again.

Maybe I should just start to think that your dead.  All the questions will forever be unanswered.  I cannot call, email or text my anger or hate.  you will never get it.  You’re dead.  I can’t do those things.  I let go of you.  You’re dead to me.  I’m trash to you so you’re dead to me.  Done with you.

It’s time for something better.  A man that helps, encourages, challenges, cares, is a good father, leads.  A woman who is independent, decisive, in control, a leader, strong, knows who she is.  It’s time for something better.  It’s going to be better.

Journal Entry

15 days into it

September 12 2014

It’s a struggle.  Every day is, some more than others.  You are with someone else.  Kids, worship, bible….trying desperately to fill the void.  Hollowness inside of me.  I used to live for God, hubby, then kids.  The second most important spot is empty.  Void.  Hollow.  It sucks.  It absolutely sucks.

Journal Entry

9 days after I was in a dark place.

September 6 2014

It’s quiet.  Very quiet.  The kids are all in bed.  I’m alone sitting in the living room.  Stuck in my thoughts.  I’m thankful friends can’t have affairs on you.  “Jill” bought me a book and always replies to my texts.  I can’t call you cause I want to.  Cause I just want to chat.  I can’t call you cause I miss your voice.  I can’t call you cause I want to yell and scream and hurt you.  I just can’t call you.  I’m not welcomed to and I can’t bring myself against the pain to do it.  Life is different.  I’m really hoping a counsellor can help me through this.

You are spending your time with another woman.  You are holding hands, hugging, kissing, texting, calling, eating with and having sex with another woman.  You were while you still lived with me and the kids.  you were while you still portrayed that you were moving here and you still are.  We are still married.  I hate to break it to you, but we are still in a legal binding contract and a spiritually binding covenant.  You failed me.

You failed me and you failed our kids.  Our child needs counseling.  You are clueless and you if you weren’t you wouldn’t understand.  You know how you’ve driven over things, thrown things, broken tables.  That’s your daughter right now. That’s your daughter.  Are you proud?  Are you ok with that?  Is that nothing to you?  It’s not to me.  You never got over it or outgrew it.  She will because I’m her mother, God’s her God and you aren’t influencing her anymore.

Did you also know that your crappy secret behavior caused your children to not physically grow?  The boy was in the 10th percent and our daughter never grew one size in a year.  In the past 4 months away from you they all have grown at least 2 clothes sizes and 10-15 pounds.  you did more damage then you will ever know.  More than you will ever know.

I can be having a good day and then like a wave uncontrollable thoughts hit and it hurts.  It stabs my heart.  You left me.  you cheated, you lied for years.  I put up with so much and I never should have rob ably should have left a while ago yet I fought.  I did everything I knew to be a good wife, but ultimately you weren’t looking for a treasure you were looking to please your flesh. It was all about you.  You lived the american dream and it was too much work, not fleshy enough for you.  You couldn’t get away from the other world.  You’ve been into porn for a long time.  Maybe you never left it.

Regardless you chose it over me and your four children.  3 that will probably not remember you.  One that has no remembrance of you and on who has never had you hold her, has never seen you or heard your voice.  With your level of responsibility she will probably never meet you.  Never.  That makes me sad.  If you say that you love them then provide, call, Skype, visit, dare I say fight for your marriage for your children’s sake. But I’ve given up hope.  You never will.  The other life is too enticing.  Your children will need a new father.  A good father.  It was hard enough finding you.  Now to wait all over.  To find someone who will choose me all over.  With all my new hurts, pains, insecurities, how am I supposed to have sex again after this?  With 4 children?  All I have is Jesus.  It’s back to Him I go.  I feel as if no one else could ever want me, yet I also find myself desperately trying to better myself.  Learning, growing, trying to look prettier, clean more, be more presentable.  Perhaps to make you jealous and perhaps to become the perfect spouse again.  To be destroyed again?  I hope not. I really hope not.

You have made me wary.  You have made me hate like I’ve never hated.  you have made me feel feelings I hope no one else has to ever feel.  You have turned my world upside down and I do dislike you for it.  I do hate you for it and I must forgive you for it every single day.  This sucks.  This sucks.

Journal Entry

7 days after I received that dreaded email I wrote this.

September 4, 2014

I hate you,  I want to kick you, hurt you and make you feel what I feel.  I hate that you left me, that you gave up on me, that you replaced me, chose someone else.  I am worthless. I feel worthless.  I say I forgive you, but how do I truly forgive you?  How do I forget?  How do I start having more good days than bad?  How do I move on?

How do I remember my purpose?  How do I move on?  How do I forget about you?  How do I not want you anymore?  Stop hating you?  How did Jesus forgive the lady who cheated?  How do I get out of the fog?  How do I live again?  How do I stop remembering?  How do I forgive you day after day?  When will it come automatically?

You lied, you cheated, you left, you abandoned me and my children yet I forgive you.  I must forgive you.  I cannot live with hate.  I cannot live with bitterness, hurt, and unforgiveness.  I must move on.  Move forward.  A new life for me and my kids.

Journal Entry

As I update this blog with my current journey I will copy my written journal entries.  Here is the first one I ever wrote.  It was actually written 3 days before he revealed his lies in his email.  3 days before I found out he cheated on me.

August 25th 2014

It’s ok that it’s over.  It’s ok that it’s over.  I must keep reminding myself of this as each and every day my heart breaks for what we once had.  One…it’s over.  It’s over.  I really don’t think that there is anything I can do to fix it at this point.  There is nothing I can do to make him fall in love with me again or to want to be with me again.  There is nothing I can do to make him fall in love with God again.  There is nothing I can do to change the things he is doing wrong, to se him back on the right path.  Was he ever on the right path?  There is nothing I can do to make him a better dad, to want to be a better dad, to show him how.  There is nothing I can do to have him make new memories with our children.  There is nothing I can do.  Nothing but pray and hope and know that it’s ok.

It’s ok this happened.  It’s ok that he shoe it and that I chose not to give my heart back to him when he made no effort to communicate, compromise, change or pursue me again like a man should to a woman.  Like Christ does to the church.  It’s ok.  I made the right choice.  My children deserve a daddy who knows how to love them and gives them his all.  who puts God first, then his wife, then his kids then himself and others last.  Not himself first.  Video games are not more important.  Leaving your wife to discipline and then saying she isn’t good enough at it isn’t ok.  So it is ok that it’s over.  It’s ok that I said no.  No we can’t just forget that it happened, that you left me.  It’s ok that I demand a godly man return as head of this house.  It’s ok that it’s over.

Now it’s time to learn and believe God for strength and wisdom.  How do I raise these four children right?  How do I lighten this immense burden that has been placed upon them?  How do I discipline and show them my love?  How do I remember to show love when I’m angry?  How do I support when I see him in them?  How do I heal?  How do I grow?  How do I move on?  What do I do with the fact that he didn’t want another girl?  He’s never met her?  He left me alone to have a c-section.  How do I stop hating, stop missing, stop crying, just stop the emotions and move on?

Lord help me raise these kids, provide for these kids, teach these kids your ways.  Love the kids like You love me.  Help them through this time and the rest of life.  Lord teach me to be faithful to you.  Show me where to put my finances.  Show me which doors to go through.  Give me the words to speak to him.  To bring heating to him and myself.  He is hurting and in return he is hurting us and those that truly love him.  Every time I miss him or hurt for him I also get angry and hate him.  He left us, he’s doing things he shouldn’t be doing and he has done things he shouldn’t have done.  If this marriage is over Lord please cut the cord swiftly and gently.  Nor rips or tears, no fighting, no more hurting.  Just gentle and easy please.  Help us to both move on and heal our hearts.

Teach me Lord, correct me Lord and grow me Lord.  Show me my mistakes so if I ever get a second chance I can do better and it will last and succeed more than 6 years.

6 years of my life.  That’s quite the adventure.  6 good years.  Marrying him was not a mistake.  What God has joined together let no man separate.  That’s how it was supposed to be.  But choices were made.  God gave us choice and choices bring us down certain paths.  But it’s ok it’s over.