This is the final journal entry that I had written.
September 13 2014
Well today was a new day. 2 days in a row…bummer. Physically it was a pretty good day. Hangout, costco, picnic in living room, movie night and hide and seek. Just a lot of anger. I spent over an hour looking for the girl your with on Facebook. I hate you. I want you back. I don’t need you back. It’s a bad thing for me. you’re a bad thing for me. I never have a conversation with you saying “shit”. It’s unattractive. Whoever your with must be a special woman. Are we worth more than rubies? How does that work? I feel like I’m worth crap. How can we both be worth the same? She is with a married man. She acts horribly. What am I?! This sucks. God what am I? I’m lonely. It’s so quiet. I’m so angry. It’s hard to control. Its hard to keep my emotions in check. To correct the kids in love. To not be depressed. Does he think this is easy? Does he think it’s nothing? That it doesn’t hurt? It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. one day he will read all this and think I’m so dramatic still or will he understand? I hate him. He is wrong on so many levels. I need help. I can’t navigate this alone. How am I supposed to live without him? Raise 4 kids, be in ministry? Find a job?
“Do you want me to fight for you?” Yes God. I can’t do this life alone. I waited 21 years faithfully. Dedicated all to you. I received my gift and 7 years later it was defective. My gift left me God. Are you aware? Can I get a new one? Can I please get a new one? One that won’t break me? Leave me feeling hollow? I want to make him jealous. Maybe I can just in God’s presence till I can see hope again, live properly again.
Maybe I should just start to think that your dead. All the questions will forever be unanswered. I cannot call, email or text my anger or hate. you will never get it. You’re dead. I can’t do those things. I let go of you. You’re dead to me. I’m trash to you so you’re dead to me. Done with you.
It’s time for something better. A man that helps, encourages, challenges, cares, is a good father, leads. A woman who is independent, decisive, in control, a leader, strong, knows who she is. It’s time for something better. It’s going to be better.