It’s Real People

I went to watch the Kingsmen with my dad tonight while my mom babysat…

While we sat eating our popcorn before the movie even started all I could think about was him and her…how we held hands watching that movie back in December…how everything is a lie…so frustrating…some people are so stupid.

They had 50 shades of grey stuff up, and other previews with guys and girls and fighting and cheating…do they not realize that real people experience this?  Why is it so enticing for people to watch other peoples hurts?  Am I the only one who is now sickened by watching this?  I guess it wasn’t a reality before, it was meh whatever it’s just a story, but now I realize this crap happens in every day peoples lives…also so frustrating.  It’s real hurts people.  It’s real.

Party On

I never really had help planning or setting up for birthday parties.  Mostly he was my food guy.  Cut 5’s watermelon into a shark for her mermaid party and refill the punch.  I was the plan, setup, host and clean up girl.  So it’s not really any different now, but I still miss him, a watermelon shark would be perfect for a pirate party.  😦

This will be his 5th birthday that he has missed of his children.  He wasn’t around for 5’s third one, 5’s fifth one, the birth of baby, and now 3’s fourth…I guess that makes her 4 and the boys second birthday.  We are doing a combined birthday this Friday for 4 and boy.  Mixing unicorns and pirates is quite the task.  Unicorns are definitely a mystical creature.  They avidly avoid normal every day regular human being stores.  So here I am left to cut unicorn shapes out of colorful paper to make decorations, cupcake decorations and crafts for the kids.

It’s all me.  It’s going to be a blast, but I wish their daddy hadn’t made the choices that he had made.

I wish I didn’t have to wait for the package he supposedly sent weeks ago with their dance money and something for his daughters birthday that was a week ago.  Or that his dad didn’t have to pay for their summer camp.

But it is what it is.  God is still God and I am still loved.  Life goes on and we will be absolutely ok.

Party on!  Throwing parties brings me much joy.

Valentines

Today is my first valentines day alone in 7 years.

I’m trying really hard to be happy and enjoy who I do have, but it’s a struggle to ignore the immense amount of pain inside.  It’s hard to be constantly putting down the thoughts and images I have in my head. It’s hard to ignore the urge to hunker down and just weep and groan in pain.

I will get through this day just like I get through any other day.

Valentines never really was significant to us, but it is today.

This year he is buying her a gift, getting one from her and doing something with her.

Last year I got a gift certificate to a massage…I don’t like massages, never desired to have a massage and to top it off he never  took the kids so that I could go get the massage therefore I never used it and yes he got upset.  Whatever.  If you get your wife a massage you need to also provide the time for her to do it.  What did he expect?  For me to take the kids?  I don’t even like massages in the first place.  Which leads me to believe that it is something his girlfriend would want.  I’m certain it is actually.

Just like the cheetah print blanket he got me for Christmas last year.  It through me for surprise…I asked for a blanket, showed him the kind I liked…and got cheetah print.  I know for a fact his girl friends comforter is cheetah print…what the bleep?!  I now want to burn that blanket.

This year…the scentsy warmer he got me for Christmas…seriously?  You get me one every single gift opportunity.  I don’t like them! Give me a damn candle instead!  The ugly cross on it?  Just because she likes them doesn’t mean I do!

So pissed off.  I was second for that whole time.

But the joy of the Lord is my strength.  HE is my strength.  God is my strength!  This day is almost over, I can do it.  Tonight when I am alone the tears will flow and I will mourn.  I will cry until I can cry no more and then like all the other memories I have mourned the thought when it comes again will sting less.

Thank you Jesus for healing me.

Lost Control

I hit the heavy bag like crazy today.  I’ve worked out more this year than the past 6.  I feel like it’s pointless.  Like no matter how much I work out I won’t loose anything or tighten anything up, I feel like nothing can make me more beautiful.  As if I’m a hopeless situation, as if no one could love me or my body.  But I also know somewhere deep down that one work out is better than none, one less chocolate bar is better than nothing.

But it is fun to get the stress out and I do feel like  a beast for a moment.

Someone someday is going to love me like I’m worth loving, but for now I need to be me and focus on me.

It’s a constant battle lately fighting stress and this panic feeling on the inside of me.  I often just want to stop, drop, and assume fetal position and cry.  But I can’t.  I have to keep going.  I have more control of my life than I’ve ever had, but at the same time I feel as if I have no control whatsoever.  I feel like my life is out of control, my circumstances are, my emotions are…I hate it.

I do have

A OK

I know that God has something better for me.

I don’t even want him, but I want someone.  I haven’t talked to him in a few days.  I miss him.  I  I miss his voice.  I miss his face.  I miss his sense of humor.  I miss his arms around me.  I miss his whispers in my ear.  I miss his kisses.  But I don’t miss who he is.  I don’t miss the lies, being treated like crap, not being first.  It’s a confusing place to be.

But I know that God has something for me.  There is hope for a better life.  There is hope that everything is going to be ok.  My life has been a living hell the past year but somehow God has taken care of me this whole time.  It amazes me how God has taken care of me and how I have grown and learned to find peace and control my stress and to enjoy the little things, especially my children.

I’m so blessed and God has got me in his hands.

Something Good

God’s got something good for me.

God’s got something good for me.

It’s that simple.  God’s got something good for me.  He has a plan for me.  He has a purpose for my life.  He knows what He is doing.  He is still in control.  He hasn’t lost control just because someone rebelled.  God still has control and God has something good for me.  God has something better for me.

Everything is going to be ok.  Everything is going to be ok.  He has control.  He hasn’t left me.  He never ever will.  Humans love is imperfect.  God’s love is perfect.  God’s love is perfect and endless.

My heart may have been broken, but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t still have me in the palm of His hand.  He still has me, He still loves me and He still has a plan.  He has something good for me.

1 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

He still has plans.  Plans of hope.  Plans of a future.  Plans of prosperity.

He is still in control and I have my children.  I will celebrate what I do have.

I Don’t Like It

Normally I’m really good.

Normally it’s mostly anger and fighting of bitterness or just nothing at all, a blank space, but this past hour or so my heart is sad again.  Missing him.  My heart remembers the good tonight for some reason.  My heart hopes again for some reason tonight.  I don’t like it.

The car searching is still going, found some online…getting there to check them out is the difficult part.

And all strep throat and fevers are in remission praise Jesus!

Trying to give 3 her medicine tonight…”hurry up and just take it.”
“Just give me a minute”
“I don’t have a minute”
“well then just go downstairs and I’ll tell Jesus to give me a minute”

…we sit in silence with her eyes closed

About a minute later she drinks most of it.
I say, “Here finish”
“Give mommy a minute”…in a deep man voice…aka Jesus voice

lol She always has me rolling
….we sit in silence with her eyes closed
About a minute later she drinks most of it.
“Here finish”
“Give mommy a minute”…in a deep man voice…aka Jesus voice
bahaha she always has be rolling

Update

I haven’t had much time to sit and write lately or energy, but I figured an update is necessary.  The paperwork is not filed…I know I know…I’m really struggling with just doing it know that it is basically me saying goodbye.  No I don’t even want to talk to him, have no desire to be with him, but it’s still hard to say goodbye.  It’s slightly more complicated when I file as it is international and therefore once I claim support after so many missed payments his passport will be revoked and literally any contact or space for reconciliation is gone.

I was thinking this afternoon after getting home from an eventful trek out this snow day, that the devil must want me dead.  He must want me out, which means I must be doing something right, which is encouraging.

Then last night as I listened to my 3 moan in her sleep from her incredibly high fever that I couldn’t get down with tylenol that the devil is still trying to slug punches at me, but he’s already hit me with the knock out one and I’m still here, there is nothing that he can do that will hurt as much as last year.  It now just all slides right off of me.  All I can do is laugh and know that this too shall pass, it will all pass and life will continue to go on and I will still be my beautiful amazing self and God will still love me no matter what happens.

So strep throat that knocked me out for 48 hours straight has nothing, children with strep throat has nothing, old faithful (my van) I said audios too and I am now carless with four children…has nothing, has nothing, has nothing!  Stress from paperwork and a cheating husband has nothing. The avalanche from a snow plow on an overpass while I’m going under in my parents car…my life flashed before my eyes and the BOOM  may be etched in my mind for a while but it has nothing.  These swings at me are all nothing because it will all somehow be ok.

I will get a new vehicle that will fit all my children,  I will be able to work again,  I am alive, my children are alive, we are all getting healthier, and God still loves me.

Life is amazing, it truly is and I am thankful for it.

Memory

Walking down the steep incline trying not to trip on the branches or slip on the leaves we see a massive fallen log stretching across a dried up creek.  Excitement enters as we realize that it looks exactly as it would in any movie.

Two little princesses put their arms out wide and started to walk across.  One step, two steps…nope two little princesses crawl across the log, hugging it for dear life.  Their daddy watching their every move.  I walk up to the log eyeing the fairly decent drop, touch the baby strapped to my body, and look again at the log realizing this was an adventure even if it’s little that I’ve always dreamed of.  I took the first few steps and wobbled with off kilter balance.  From the other side of the log he jumped down into the dried up creek and ran over holding up his hand and walked me across the fallen log like in every awesome movie.

Once we cross over we realize that we have somehow literally crossed into a neverland, a land straight from a fairytale.  There is a small grassy hill we climb up, grass so green like we’ve not seen too often before, mossy covered rocks and logs, little hills and nooks and crannies, and silence.  We could hear the birds sing, the leaves blow gently in the trees.  The trees lingered gently over us and reached toward the sky.  It was beautiful.  Absolutely beautiful.  We sat on the rocks at the top of the hill and watched the small piece of beauty we found.  The small piece of neverland.  It was perfect.  It was a perfect moment in time.  An absolute perfect moment in time.

That moment I will always have.  That moment I will never have again.  That moment is a part of my past.  I can remember it, I can mourn it, I can weep over it.  It is a piece of that family, that man, that part of me that is gone.

The memory struck me as I read to my beautiful 5 a book about a tree…it lives, it dies and then disappears leaving just a little trace of itself… that beautiful memory came back to me.  At first I was kind of shocked that I had found a good memory, one that just came to me I didn’t have to fight to find it.

I soaked in the memory as we laid there together stroking her hair.  Eventually the sadness began to come and I had to think of something else.  I will have to finish the memory tonight when I am in bed alone.  I will embrace it.  I will enjoy it.  Then I will mourn it.  I will be sad because it’s over.  I will mourn the memory and then it will not cause pain or sadness, it will just be a memory after that.

Atleast that is how I am hoping it will continue to work.

Creeping Lonely

Wow I’ev become really bad at keeping up with my blog.  Daily to monthly oops.

Loneliness is slowly creeping in.  It would nice to be able to go on a date, preferably with my husband, but that’s not an option.

I find that finding friends, someone that actually wants to hang out with a single mom with four children is actually rather difficult.  No one seems interested, I get tired of trying to set things up and asking people if they want to hang out while our kids play.

I hope God sends me some friends soon.

I have  been searching for a new home.  I would love to buy, but thats not going to happen when I don’t have a full time job…even finding a rental that isn’t ghetto may prove difficult.  God will provide that too.