Update

I haven’t had much time to sit and write lately or energy, but I figured an update is necessary.  The paperwork is not filed…I know I know…I’m really struggling with just doing it know that it is basically me saying goodbye.  No I don’t even want to talk to him, have no desire to be with him, but it’s still hard to say goodbye.  It’s slightly more complicated when I file as it is international and therefore once I claim support after so many missed payments his passport will be revoked and literally any contact or space for reconciliation is gone.

I was thinking this afternoon after getting home from an eventful trek out this snow day, that the devil must want me dead.  He must want me out, which means I must be doing something right, which is encouraging.

Then last night as I listened to my 3 moan in her sleep from her incredibly high fever that I couldn’t get down with tylenol that the devil is still trying to slug punches at me, but he’s already hit me with the knock out one and I’m still here, there is nothing that he can do that will hurt as much as last year.  It now just all slides right off of me.  All I can do is laugh and know that this too shall pass, it will all pass and life will continue to go on and I will still be my beautiful amazing self and God will still love me no matter what happens.

So strep throat that knocked me out for 48 hours straight has nothing, children with strep throat has nothing, old faithful (my van) I said audios too and I am now carless with four children…has nothing, has nothing, has nothing!  Stress from paperwork and a cheating husband has nothing. The avalanche from a snow plow on an overpass while I’m going under in my parents car…my life flashed before my eyes and the BOOM  may be etched in my mind for a while but it has nothing.  These swings at me are all nothing because it will all somehow be ok.

I will get a new vehicle that will fit all my children,  I will be able to work again,  I am alive, my children are alive, we are all getting healthier, and God still loves me.

Life is amazing, it truly is and I am thankful for it.

Memory

Walking down the steep incline trying not to trip on the branches or slip on the leaves we see a massive fallen log stretching across a dried up creek.  Excitement enters as we realize that it looks exactly as it would in any movie.

Two little princesses put their arms out wide and started to walk across.  One step, two steps…nope two little princesses crawl across the log, hugging it for dear life.  Their daddy watching their every move.  I walk up to the log eyeing the fairly decent drop, touch the baby strapped to my body, and look again at the log realizing this was an adventure even if it’s little that I’ve always dreamed of.  I took the first few steps and wobbled with off kilter balance.  From the other side of the log he jumped down into the dried up creek and ran over holding up his hand and walked me across the fallen log like in every awesome movie.

Once we cross over we realize that we have somehow literally crossed into a neverland, a land straight from a fairytale.  There is a small grassy hill we climb up, grass so green like we’ve not seen too often before, mossy covered rocks and logs, little hills and nooks and crannies, and silence.  We could hear the birds sing, the leaves blow gently in the trees.  The trees lingered gently over us and reached toward the sky.  It was beautiful.  Absolutely beautiful.  We sat on the rocks at the top of the hill and watched the small piece of beauty we found.  The small piece of neverland.  It was perfect.  It was a perfect moment in time.  An absolute perfect moment in time.

That moment I will always have.  That moment I will never have again.  That moment is a part of my past.  I can remember it, I can mourn it, I can weep over it.  It is a piece of that family, that man, that part of me that is gone.

The memory struck me as I read to my beautiful 5 a book about a tree…it lives, it dies and then disappears leaving just a little trace of itself… that beautiful memory came back to me.  At first I was kind of shocked that I had found a good memory, one that just came to me I didn’t have to fight to find it.

I soaked in the memory as we laid there together stroking her hair.  Eventually the sadness began to come and I had to think of something else.  I will have to finish the memory tonight when I am in bed alone.  I will embrace it.  I will enjoy it.  Then I will mourn it.  I will be sad because it’s over.  I will mourn the memory and then it will not cause pain or sadness, it will just be a memory after that.

Atleast that is how I am hoping it will continue to work.

Creeping Lonely

Wow I’ev become really bad at keeping up with my blog.  Daily to monthly oops.

Loneliness is slowly creeping in.  It would nice to be able to go on a date, preferably with my husband, but that’s not an option.

I find that finding friends, someone that actually wants to hang out with a single mom with four children is actually rather difficult.  No one seems interested, I get tired of trying to set things up and asking people if they want to hang out while our kids play.

I hope God sends me some friends soon.

I have  been searching for a new home.  I would love to buy, but thats not going to happen when I don’t have a full time job…even finding a rental that isn’t ghetto may prove difficult.  God will provide that too.

Begin the Process

I went to the courthouse today.

Left after I got to talk to a lawyer.  He made the process simple and I’m going for full custody and access and support.

I just have to fill out some papers and bring them back to file.

When I left I had the most horrible feeling ever.

He still calls me every day, emails me every day.  As soon as I serve him I will be saying, goodbye to him.

Yes he hurt me, yes I often struggle with hate, but yes I miss the heck out of him.

This sucks so much.

This weekend I will out my paperwork and next week the paperwork will be couriered to a process server.  Next week I will be truly saying goodbye to my husband as I foresee him reacting very negatively.

Struggling with keeping it together right now.

These killer headaches I’ve discovered are from stress.

Breathing and praising Jesus helped today’s ease up.

Jesus can get me through everything.

Hope Rising.

My parent’s watched the kids tonight after I put them to bed so I could go out and get some much needed me time.  I needed to get an answer on a business opportunity but ended up praying in the car and feeling this urge to read this one book I have on forgiveness and continue the healing process.

I ended up at a coffee shot in one of my favorite parts of town and got lost in my own little world reading. It talked about not pushing the memories aside when they come but holding onto it and crying it out, realizing it’s over and crying until it doesn’t sting as much.

It was good stuff.

As I was lost in my own little world I heard someone say “hi name!”

I looked up and saw an old Facebook friend again.  He was on a date with his daughter.  She was five and shook hands.  It was just encouraging to see a gentleman and a good dad all in one package.  Not all men are evil and not all men abandon their children.

Let the healing begin and the hope rise up.  I’m ready for my Saviour to be my man.

Finding My Purpose

Stupid people, do stupid things and I married one of the stupidest ones.

This evening the kids and I finished watching Master Chef Jr.  We all celebrated as the finalist that we wanted to win won!  Go Logan.

Then once I got the kids in bed, a tooth in my lip and an instant fat lip from goodnight kiss gone bad, I listened to some Elevation Church…good stuff you should listen.  http://elevationchurch.org/sermons

His sermon was called “more of the same”.

Sometimes it’s good to stay the same.  Be persistent.  If you don’t stay the same in things you will miss the miraculous, you will miss the reward.  The same workout = results, the same job = success etc.

He also mentioned there is bad same…stupid same…yeah I got stuck in that one.

But he was talking about good same.  So many people give up on things, get tired of the same…that was “him”.  He often complained about everything being the same, nothing changing…that’s what I enjoyed.  I enjoyed my little life that was and could have been….he didn’t like the same.  Hence never keeping a job. Hence not keeping the same wife.

At the end of the sermon he mentioned when he talked to his grandfather and asked how do you stay in love, his grandfather said, “keep coming home”…again and again and again…

That’s just something that struck me…my husband didn’t always come home…he didn’t come home…he wasn’t happy with the same and he isn’t going to get the rewards that come from the same…from always coming home…he isn’t going to get the reward of 50 years of marriage, seeing every day of his children’s lives, because those things require being persistent in the same.

The message encouraged me to stay the same, to continue to be faithful in my parenting skills and keep putting as much passion into it, to keep being faithful in my job, to stay in this area because yes the thoughts of running again have come to my mind.

Stay the same.  Be persistent.  The faithful will bring blessings.

In another sermon he just said this…

While the enemy was pushing you out, God is pulling you into your purpose!

No More Fear

Oy

Lord I pray for my husband.  Bless him, keep him safe, heal him, grow him, give him wisdom and surround him with you and with people who love you.  

Today started out good and in the middle was hit with the anger and frustration and thoughts that are so hard to put away.  She gets to take care of him when he’s sick, he’s having sex with her, he’s holding her, he’s telling her he loves her…too.

But I have my kids.  I have my little people, the joys of my life, the people that melt my heart just by looking at their adorable little faces.  I have the people that run up to me and love me.  I am ever so thankful for that.

How can you tell your daughter that she is your princess but abandon her?  That pisses me off so much.  Don’t tell her that she’s your princesses when you treat her like …I dunno, definitely not a princesses.  A princesses is loved unconditionally, provided for, danced with, people long to spend time with her, they give her their undivided attention when on the phone – not half ass-ing a conversation, a princesses has the door held for her and is loved.  Quick teaching her things that are just going to hurt her when she is older.  You’ve only talked to her 3 times since you’ve been here, but she still thinks she’s your princesses, you still tell her in all those three times.

Lord give me wisdom in raising my children, to show them to be confident and bold and that they are beautiful and keep them from the pain that I have had to feel.  Help me raise them to be great spouses and teach them to be patient for a perfect spouse.  Keep them from this pain that I have felt.  

He needs to learn what love is.  I need to teach my children what a God kind of love is.  Not the human kind that will throw their middle finger up at someone the second they get a little owie from that person.  They need to know the God kind of love that will not abandon them, that will always be there for them, will always provide, that is patient and kind and doesn’t keep a record of wrongs and all that jazz.  They need to know they are beautiful and loved and worth more than any treasure in the world.  

My heart hurts for my children, specifically right now my little 5.  I cannot live in fear though regarding her. My greatest fear in my relationship with my spouse came to reality, I cannot live in fear anymore about anything…birds and heights and my children’s future I’m not afraid of you!