Begin the Process

I went to the courthouse today.

Left after I got to talk to a lawyer.  He made the process simple and I’m going for full custody and access and support.

I just have to fill out some papers and bring them back to file.

When I left I had the most horrible feeling ever.

He still calls me every day, emails me every day.  As soon as I serve him I will be saying, goodbye to him.

Yes he hurt me, yes I often struggle with hate, but yes I miss the heck out of him.

This sucks so much.

This weekend I will out my paperwork and next week the paperwork will be couriered to a process server.  Next week I will be truly saying goodbye to my husband as I foresee him reacting very negatively.

Struggling with keeping it together right now.

These killer headaches I’ve discovered are from stress.

Breathing and praising Jesus helped today’s ease up.

Jesus can get me through everything.

Hope Rising.

My parent’s watched the kids tonight after I put them to bed so I could go out and get some much needed me time.  I needed to get an answer on a business opportunity but ended up praying in the car and feeling this urge to read this one book I have on forgiveness and continue the healing process.

I ended up at a coffee shot in one of my favorite parts of town and got lost in my own little world reading. It talked about not pushing the memories aside when they come but holding onto it and crying it out, realizing it’s over and crying until it doesn’t sting as much.

It was good stuff.

As I was lost in my own little world I heard someone say “hi name!”

I looked up and saw an old Facebook friend again.  He was on a date with his daughter.  She was five and shook hands.  It was just encouraging to see a gentleman and a good dad all in one package.  Not all men are evil and not all men abandon their children.

Let the healing begin and the hope rise up.  I’m ready for my Saviour to be my man.

Finding My Purpose

Stupid people, do stupid things and I married one of the stupidest ones.

This evening the kids and I finished watching Master Chef Jr.  We all celebrated as the finalist that we wanted to win won!  Go Logan.

Then once I got the kids in bed, a tooth in my lip and an instant fat lip from goodnight kiss gone bad, I listened to some Elevation Church…good stuff you should listen.  http://elevationchurch.org/sermons

His sermon was called “more of the same”.

Sometimes it’s good to stay the same.  Be persistent.  If you don’t stay the same in things you will miss the miraculous, you will miss the reward.  The same workout = results, the same job = success etc.

He also mentioned there is bad same…stupid same…yeah I got stuck in that one.

But he was talking about good same.  So many people give up on things, get tired of the same…that was “him”.  He often complained about everything being the same, nothing changing…that’s what I enjoyed.  I enjoyed my little life that was and could have been….he didn’t like the same.  Hence never keeping a job. Hence not keeping the same wife.

At the end of the sermon he mentioned when he talked to his grandfather and asked how do you stay in love, his grandfather said, “keep coming home”…again and again and again…

That’s just something that struck me…my husband didn’t always come home…he didn’t come home…he wasn’t happy with the same and he isn’t going to get the rewards that come from the same…from always coming home…he isn’t going to get the reward of 50 years of marriage, seeing every day of his children’s lives, because those things require being persistent in the same.

The message encouraged me to stay the same, to continue to be faithful in my parenting skills and keep putting as much passion into it, to keep being faithful in my job, to stay in this area because yes the thoughts of running again have come to my mind.

Stay the same.  Be persistent.  The faithful will bring blessings.

In another sermon he just said this…

While the enemy was pushing you out, God is pulling you into your purpose!

No More Fear

Oy

Lord I pray for my husband.  Bless him, keep him safe, heal him, grow him, give him wisdom and surround him with you and with people who love you.  

Today started out good and in the middle was hit with the anger and frustration and thoughts that are so hard to put away.  She gets to take care of him when he’s sick, he’s having sex with her, he’s holding her, he’s telling her he loves her…too.

But I have my kids.  I have my little people, the joys of my life, the people that melt my heart just by looking at their adorable little faces.  I have the people that run up to me and love me.  I am ever so thankful for that.

How can you tell your daughter that she is your princess but abandon her?  That pisses me off so much.  Don’t tell her that she’s your princesses when you treat her like …I dunno, definitely not a princesses.  A princesses is loved unconditionally, provided for, danced with, people long to spend time with her, they give her their undivided attention when on the phone – not half ass-ing a conversation, a princesses has the door held for her and is loved.  Quick teaching her things that are just going to hurt her when she is older.  You’ve only talked to her 3 times since you’ve been here, but she still thinks she’s your princesses, you still tell her in all those three times.

Lord give me wisdom in raising my children, to show them to be confident and bold and that they are beautiful and keep them from the pain that I have had to feel.  Help me raise them to be great spouses and teach them to be patient for a perfect spouse.  Keep them from this pain that I have felt.  

He needs to learn what love is.  I need to teach my children what a God kind of love is.  Not the human kind that will throw their middle finger up at someone the second they get a little owie from that person.  They need to know the God kind of love that will not abandon them, that will always be there for them, will always provide, that is patient and kind and doesn’t keep a record of wrongs and all that jazz.  They need to know they are beautiful and loved and worth more than any treasure in the world.  

My heart hurts for my children, specifically right now my little 5.  I cannot live in fear though regarding her. My greatest fear in my relationship with my spouse came to reality, I cannot live in fear anymore about anything…birds and heights and my children’s future I’m not afraid of you!

Stress

I’m presuming it’s stress.  The stress and wrapping my head around the idea of single-ness again.  The stress of raising four children on my own, the chaos of school and daycare drop offs and working three days a week with swimming and dance in the evenings, errands, appointments.  The pressure of making the decision of moving, finding a home that I can afford on my own, of moving my daughters school, registering 3 for school and getting her into the same school as 5, the pressure of finding childcare for baby, the crunch of getting financially stable to purchase a new vehicle, creating kids church every week, starting custody and access, divorce, budgeting..but mostly moving and school decisions are stressing me out the most…I’m thinking all this pressure has started to cause headaches…sudden ones that come quick and within an hour I have my head in the toilet vomiting from the pain.  It is pretty horrible.

I need to lean on Jesus more.  There are so many things I have to do alone now, no one to share these things with.  I need to rely on Him.  Give them to Him and get into His word more.  That’s the only way I can relieve this stress, that and punch the heavy bag harder!  That is fabulous.  God is my only source of strength and can get rid of these migraines.

Jesus it used to annoy me so much when people would say “Jesus take the wheel” but …Jesus take the wheel!  I need help with my life.  I need help with decisions, with the little things, with the big things, with raising my children, with everything! God help me, provide for me, lead me, guide me and give me wisdom.  Lord give me favor and blessings along the way.  I thank you for blessing me, guiding me, and providing for me.  You know my every need.  I love you Father.  Thank you for never leaving me nor forsaking me.  You are my Rock and my everything.  I love you.  In Jesus name.  amen.

Ocean

I mentioned how I’ve been struggling at nights.  Trying to shut my brain off, struggling to find peace.  The past few nights I end up praying desperately and see myself crawling into God’s arms and Him rocking me.

Last night as I closed my eyes close to God I saw myself in a vast ocean.  Nothing in the ocean just the water and me.  I was underneath the surface, floating where I can see the light above but not too far from the darkness…the place where it is pitch black and you can’t even see your hand in front of your face.

I was just floating there, kind of tumbling around in slow motion.  I would look up and see the light and know that there was light there and freedom there and dry stable ground and knew that I would be there again.  Then I looked below me and saw the darkness.  At first it scared me and then I realized why am I afraid of that?

Why am I afraid of that when I’ve been down there before and lived through it?  I’ve been in the darkness before.  I’ve been in the pitch black.  Where I can’t see a millimeter in front of me.  Where there is no difference than having my eyes closed.  Why am I afraid?  I’ve been down there before and lived to see the light again.  I’ve been surrounded by the fear, the unknown, the possible pain, yet lived.

I saw myself go down into the darkness.  I realized.  That I can breathe, God has given me some sort of gills.  That nothing is truly hurting me.  That there is nothing to be afraid of.  That the unknown isn’t so scary and it’s not truly going to kill me.

I then envisioned my kids with me floating in the darkness,  5 and 3 were holding my hands and boy and baby were strapped to me.  At first they were panicking, I steadied them and got them to calm down and told them to relax.  There was nothing to be afraid of, they can breathe, they can move, there is nothing around to hurt them and we are ok.

That’s all.  The unknown isn’t so scary.  The darkness isn’t so scary.  I’ve lived through it all.  I’ve lived through hell.  I’ll live through this unknown year.  I don’t think a year could get any worse than the one that I just lived through, so 2015 can only be better.  Earlier this year, I didn’t think that.  I had no hope, but now I realize I’ve been in the pitch black deepest darkest place, I’ve lived and anything else is going to be better, even by a smidge.  God will continue to take care of me.

Harder Then Easier

The few days after my anniversary where rather difficult.

I went long into the midnight hours trying to stop my brain from thinking.  From seeing images I didn’t want to imagine, from thinking things I didn’t want to remember.  I would even get up and walk around to try to shake them.  Maybe if I walked around enough they would rattle right out of my head.

I struggled with separating myself from him.  But as time went on it got a little easier.  We haven’t talked on the phone since and my emails have grown cold.  I’ve done it on purpose.  He doesn’t really love me.  Life would have been different if he truly loved me.  If he loved me like he should he would be willing to die if necessary so I can live or for his children too…but I know he would never give himself up for any of us…when it comes down to it that’s love.  That’s the love Jesus showed and that’s ultimately our goal of love for all other people.  If you can’t show it to your own family you sure aren’t going to show it to others.  He doesn’t truly love me.  He doesn’t know the meaning of love.  He doesn’t know what love is.  I tried to show him, but my time of showing him is done.  I cannot keep doing it.  He is still with her, my time of waiting for him is done.

It’s really mind boggling to think that I’m single.  That I’m under no obligation to not flirt with another man if the opportunity arrived.  It’s strange to think that I can check out another mans butt and not feel guilty.  Yes I’m still married but my marriage is over.  He left me, he was unfaithful and still is.  He knows we are getting a divorce.  Yes he continues to say he’s coming, but as far as I’m concerned that’s a load of…well bull.

I went to meet a friend (of the female kind) Saturday night.  We met for coffee then went to dinner (backwards I know), as we were leaving the coffee shop there was a Facebook friend that walked by with his daughter.  We knew each other waaay back in the day when I was…well single.  It’s just weird being single and it’s weird knowing that no one else knows that I’m single.  Well family, three friends and you guys of course, but that’s it.  I’m not about to announce it to the world and I’m not about to be a drama queen and change my marital status on Facebook or even my last name.  As a matter of fact my status update was “I have a crush on a heavy bag, it’s official”  and my father in law said “name is in a relationship!”  I politely messaged him saying I was deleting the comment as I don’t want a bunch of drama and questions.

Yes I worked out…it was freaking amazing!  And yes I envisioned a certain two people and their guts being struck by my boxing glove and yes I am feeling the muscles cramp already…as long as I don’t feel my guts that four months ago were exposed to the world to expel my child from me, I’m happy.

Back to the communication with “him”.  It’s cold.  He tries to call, but I don’t answer.  I mostly right now don’t answer because I don’t want the kids hearing my talk to him, and my family who I work with think I’ve ceased all communication and it’s embarrassing that I can’t quit him quite yet.  But my desire to talk to him is getting less and less.  All I remember is over the summer when he was only able to talk to me at certain times because he couldn’t and wouldn’t when he was with her and had no interest in me…that removes all desire to communicate with him.  As well as all the lies he has told me…yuk.

Longest blog ever. Sorry.  Life has gotten too busy to do it daily now that I’m working three days a week.

It’s strange having some major life decision coming up quickly and “he” doesn’t even know about them or even really care.  Moving, schools, cars, work, goodness.  I can do this.  I’m a big girl.

It’s hard, but it’s getting easier.  I can do this.

Relatively Unscathed

I survived my anniversary relatively unscathed.  To be honest the day after was harder.

He called 5 times the day of our anniversary.  I ignored the call 5 times.

I think the key to my success was not labeling the day “my anniversary”  it was just another day in my books as my marriage is basically no more.

I did end up answering after the 6th call.  We had a good normal person conversation and that was it.

I’m still struggling with detaching myself from him.

I have told him I no longer want to be Mrs. and no longer desire to be his wife as he plays foolish games and we are basically at the point of abuse with all these shenanigans.

Yet we are still able to talk and have fun together…blah.

Anyways, yesterday was a little tougher, the year kinda looks bleak but I got dressed, even wore my one and only necklace and put on the make up, forcing myself to rock out this new year.

It is such a weird thought that I may be going on a date this year with someone who is not my husband.  How weird!! Kinda stressful.  I don’t want to have to deal with that whole dating thing.  I never did it before and don’t really want to do it again…but then again look where that got me.

The past is in the past.  There is nothing I can do about it, no amount of stewing about it will accomplish anything so I might as well let it go and begin the healing process.  No amount of stewing about what is still going on is going to accomplish anything.  No amount of Facebook on pintrest stalking is going to accomplish anything.  The past is in the past and I’m going to move on, no I’m not “going” to…I am moving on.  I am! I am one rocking single hot momma!  ha ha….atleast keep telling myself that.

Gosh.

Gosh.

Yesterday playing at mcdonalds..yes mcdonalds the ultimate kid place 3 comes half crawling half walking off the slide screaming with a trail of blood behind her.  The mcdonalds slide sliced her toe pretty darn good.  Enough to go to the hospital.  They couldn’t stitch it cause of the spot it’s in, but it was bad.

I texted her dad  (my friend suggested if I don’t call him husband it may help so I’m trying it, but it sucks). Thought it may be something he would care to know.  Eventually he called and after asking if she’s ok the very next words were you should sue.  That just made me want to hang up right there and do the total opposite.  Yes of course it came to my mind.  One.  A kid friendly zone should not cut my child.  Two.  They should have a first aid kit and not just two tiny bandaids.  Three.  They really need to clear out the play area and get the blood cleaned up asap instead of letting the little kids feet prints run through the blood and leave it in the restaurant where people are eating food.

But the first thing he told me to do was sue.  Don’t tell me what to do!  You have no right whatsoever to tell me what to do.  And why do you have to hate on every single person you meet?!  He comments to every person that walks in the “out” door at walmart…every single person.  And really all you care about tis money?  What so you don’t feel so obliged to pay child support?

Anyways…My whole afternoon was spent at the hospital.  Yesterday.

Today.  4 kids, 2 hours, 3 nurses, 1 doctor, 1 very small room, 7 immunizations and 1 oral made for 1 exhausted mom.

Tomorrow.  Well, lets just say 7 years ago I married a man.  Last year was a lie.  This year’s anniversary doesn’t even exist.  Trying to push the past behind me and not think about it because thinking about the hurts will not be produce anything but more pain and more hurt.  Looking to the future is only scary. and bleak..so right now I’m looking at the board game I’m going to play with 5 tomorrow.  That will be fun.

Gosh.

God.  My life sucks!!!!!  It’s my anniversary.  The man of my dreams I married.  He’s not the man of my dreams anymore.  He stole my man, he stole my dreams, he stole my joy, he stole my hope.  It’s all gone God…I need you to replenish it Lord.  This next year God looks so freaking scary.  Moving (again), custody, access, divorce, spending money on a car…it looks so bleak God.  You are my prince of peace, you are my provider, you are my all, you are my lover, my friend.  You are my saviour.  You save me.  God save me.  Wash the pain and hurt away.  Erase the painful memories Lord.  Heal my heart.  Heal my daughters toe too.  Heal their hearts.  Be my all, be my everything.  I need you so much God.  Fill me to overflow with you.  Give me rest tonight and peace tomorrow.  Thank you for carrying me through the tough times.  In your sons holy name.  Amen.

Pain go away.

His background picture on his phone was his girlfriend, not his own child.

His debit card and phone unlock code are his girlfriends numbers.

He face timed her in my own home with his kids in the same room.

He spent Christmas with her.  He’s about to spend our anniversary with her.

He still talks about moving here.  He says he can’t get out.

The only thing that drowns the pain is the fact that I am divorcing him.  I can put the pain behind me.  I don’t have to think about him coming because as of right now he isn’t.  He’s not welcome to as long as he is with her, if ever.

I am getting a divorce.  That day in April when I have been here a year I will be doing what I have to get a divorce.

In the meantime I will do what I need to to get custody of the children and do that paperwork.

He doesn’t get that its  over.  He keeps calling.  Yes I talk to him like a fool.  Yes I’m an idiot I know.  I finally called him back and yelled and said we cannot have a relationship, we cannot fix anything, build anything as long as you are with her in any form or fashion.  Our marriage is dead.  I cannot talk to you on the phone for this very reason.  You are with her.

My life sucks right now.  I totally understand rebound dude’s now.  My anniversary is Wednesday.  I’m not looking forward to that.  But life will go on. One day at a time, one moment at a time reminding myself I’m getting a divorce, I don’t have to worry about the past.  The time he took her to Vegas,the place I’ve always wanted to go with him, how he bought her birthday presents and me just a text.  It doesn’t matter.  Something better awaits.

Pain go away.