How is This Going to Work?

How is this going to work?

I don’t know.  I really don’t know.

We had a fun day texting.  Then you get home and call me.  You can’t come up with anything to say.  I get tired of asking all the questions and then end up asking ones that bring up bad feelings.

You said your plans were to clean your room and living room and work on your truck…you called and said you were laying on the couch eating cheetos and watching tv and napping…and proceeded to say I’m lazy the living room isn’t that bad…way to go.  Way to step up.

You are missing your children’s lives.  If nothing else motivates you I don’t know what will.  Since when do leases matter to you?  Since when is a lease more important than your children.  Although with our conversation just now, you probably still aren’t a good father.  It may not be worth bringing back a bad father, it may be better without one.

I would sacrifice anything for my children if it was necessary, I would even die.  You clearly won’t.  That’s wrong and there is a problem with that.  Selfish-ness is destroying your chance of seeing their child-hood.  I wish you would suck it up and grow up.

You said you hated being told to grow up and I said I never would tell it to you, but grow up.  Seriously growup.  There are other people in this world that your choices are affecting.  It’s not all about you dude.  It’s really not.

How in the bleepity bleep is this going to work?

Scream

You called this morning,

I was having troubles finding a happy place to be when you called.

I didn’t tell you anything, but honestly I’m really struggling with not having you all to myself here.  I’m really struggling with the fact that you layed me aside, but now you can’t lay down everything for me.  It’s just a job…you haven’t kept a job for more than a year since I’ve met you, except to be youth pastors in which I did most of it.  Why must you keep this job now?  You’ve broken leases, why must you keep it now?

Yup I could very well be played, not sure what the benefit of leading me on is, but I am fully aware that you may be up to  something.

I want you all to myself.  I want to work on this where I can see you.  I want the physical aspect of love.  The touch, the hand holding, the stroke of my cheek, the extra hugs that I need lately.

I want my own home.  I want your help choosing a vehicle.  I want to tell you so many things, that I just can’t right now because it will mess with your own journey of healing and growing.

I’m tired of this.

The kids were all screaming and crying today.  The boy has a huge bag of raisins all over the floor, the three year old is full of snot and cranky and not feeling well, the 2 month old is cranky (you haven’t even met our two month old), the house is a mess, thank goodness the five year old is out with grandparents.  I give up.  I’m staying in.  I had grand plans of being out and doing some things I wanted to do, but I give up.  I’m staying in.  It’s just not going to work and my frame of mind isn’t going to be of any help either.

I have resigned myself to elves and unicorns on tv, a son happy with the mess in the kitchen and coffee brewing.  Maybe I’ll be able pintrest some dreams.  Hopefully I’ll be able to forget about you and what you may or may not be doing.  I really dislike you for leading me on and not meeting my expectations and for not just coming.  But life goes on. I can’t do anything about.  I may as well enjoy my day, the extra cuddles and worship my God regardless.

Lets get that coffee and give it all to God.  I can do this.  He’ll take care of it.

Wow

You can find all kinds of stuff on the internet.

Porn, chat rooms…good things to avoid, but as I’ve been looking around I find blogs from the people involved in affairs.  Having been the so called victim of an affair I find it very hard to read the blogs of those who caused the pain.  Especially when it is portrayed as they are the victim of a bad relationship.  Or how they aren’t truly sorry.  I can’t at this moment bring myself to be in the right state of mind to read them fully and see if this first impression is true.

No I’m not saying your spouse didn’t contribute to the atmosphere of your relationship that drove you away, but regardless it’s a choice that YOU made.  No one else made you choose it.  You chose to be unfaithful.

It stings to know this is how my husband felt and this is how he could still feel.  We are not guilty for your choices.  It’s not our fault you choose to be unfaithful and not keep your promises.  It’s not our fault that our relationship didn’t mean enough to you, that we didn’t mean enough to you.

I know they are your feelings and your are entitled to them.  These are mine.  And it’s a fact that your choice is your choice.

If your spouse doesn’t know you are cheating, please get it over with and tell them.  Break their heart now, let them stop wondering and let them begin to heal.  Quit delaying their life.

It really does feel like our lives are being delayed, because we suspect something but aren’t sure or couldn’t believe it.  And then we realize how stupid we’ve been to not have seen it.  And then the whole processes of forgiveness and deciding what to do with our lives…it’s like our whole lives are on pause until we heal or begin to heal.  I can’t tell you when it un-pauses at the moment.  My life is still frozen, still delayed, still paused.

Repentance (acting on your sorry-ness) and forgiveness and grace can go a long way.

But for goodness sake, your spouse is hurting incredibly bad and it’s caused by you,  love them and help them heal from your wounds.

If I stabbed someone with a knife and didn’t mean to I would be putting pressure on the wound and rushing them to the hospital.  Not sitting there being pitiful for myself while they bleed to death.

Ok.  My rant is done.

Save the Potatoes!

Sometimes I so want to give my all to you again.  I enjoyed being a wife.  I wasn’t perfect but I sure did put 100% of my effort into being a good wife.  I enjoyed texting you every morning.  I enjoyed going to the store and buying you a surprise just because.  I enjoyed leaving you notes.  I enjoyed making your favorite suppers, packing your lunch, going shooting with you, playing frisbee golf, doing the things you liked.  I enjoyed being a wife.   Sometimes I want to give you my all again.

But then I’m reminded of the times you didn’t want to play video games with me, didn’t want me playing frisbee golf with you because the children were impeding on your fun and I couldn’t keep them out of the way or quiet.  I’m reminded of the times my texts were never answered.  The times where hardly ever you initiated the texts or calls.  It was most often me…I don’t really remember you texting me to have a good day.  I remember the fact that you cheated on me and lied about it for who knows how long.  And like today I’m so clearly reminded that to an incredible amount of people “being a stay at home mom is easy and not work.”

It amazes me how many people think this.  “Cook supper for me because you have to bring the kids to dance tonight and you have a doctors appointment today but you aren’t doing anything else.”  That’s right.  I don’t have to clean up ten spills, do the laundry, feed, bathe, get 5 people dressed, wipe tears, do time outs and spankings, clean the kitchen a thousand times, change diapers or anything.  It’s all good lets add your needs too.  But not just this, people post of Facebook about how hard it is to be a mom…people laugh at those jokes but really don’t have any idea how hard it is until they are in those shoes for more than a day.

You husband, are one of those people.  “You need to get a job, you could go to school to be a radiologist”…yes I could and then I have to let someone else raise my kids (not that I’m doing a heck of a great job) and pay all my income to the childcare and then I have to come home and be a mom still.  Or what about the idea of you being able to do just as good as me or better?  For some reason I’m reminded of the time I ran out at 6am before anyone was awake to buy a christmas present for the kids that was on sale…I got back around 7:30 and the first thing I saw when I walk in was our infant rolling around in the garbage from the knocked over garbage can…you were in bed doing I don’t want to know what.

It really pisses me off when people think that being a mom is easy.  We just sit around all day doing nothing.  I am currently typing this in my hour of nap time, using my foot to rock the baby and cooking potatoes on the stove that are about to boil over.  Will you ever be able to give me credit for the work I do?  And you aren’t the only one that has this thinking, but I hate to tell you this…you guys are all wrong.  Being a mom is a never ending job.  If I do get a babysitter it’s to do an errand and for the next 6 months I won’t be alone…ever as I am the one source of food for a child.

All I’m saying is good job to those who work and are mom’s…you are amazing.  But give us some darn credit if we don’t work out of the house.  I can’t imagine what will be said when I say my work is on the computer…psh…get a real job right?

Thank you Lord for patience.  Continue to teach me forgiveness.  I seem to have forgotten how to forgive lately.  Lead me and guide me God, give me wisdom in all areas of my life.  Thank you for helping me provide for my children.  Let me be a blessing to others.  Help me keep my eyes on you God and my focus on you.  Help me to not let my thoughts or focus stray from your love and your grace.  You are all I need.  You have mighty plans for my life.  I have a purpose.  So does my husband.  Thank you for him and thank you for my life.  In Jesus name amen.

Save the potatoes!

No Words

I have no words to say right now, but I have been reading my book “Becoming Myself” by Stasi Eldredge and found this excerpt very encouraging.

“Let God begin to rewrite your story.  Invite him to show you your past through his eyes.  Ask him to surface good memories you have forgotten.  He would love to do it.  There is healing to be had there.  There is replacing of regret with mercy.

Though our past has shaped us, we are not our past.  Though our failures and sin have had an effect on who we are, we are not defined by our failures or our sin.  Though thought patterns and addictions have overwhelmed us, we are not overcome by them and we will never be overcome by them.  Jesus has won our victory.  Jesus is our victory.

The stories from our past that shaped us and the words that were spoken over our lives that have crippled us do not stand a chance in the light of the powerful grace and mercy that come to us now in the Person of Jesus.  We do not have to remain captive any longer.  Yes, God uses our stories to shape us.  He works all things for the good of those who love him, even the horrible things.  The holy work of God deep in our hearts as we have suffered and struggled and wept and longed to overcome is stunning beyond measure.  You may not see the goodness yet, but you will.  You will.  It comes when we see our lives through God’s eyes.

God is coming.  He has not abandoned us, and he never will.  Yes, the pain of life is sometimes too intense to be borne.  But when from that place we cry out to Jesus to save us, the heavens rejoice, the demons tremble in defeat, and the Holy Spirit who is closer than our skin transforms us.”

“The Holy Spirit who is closer than our skin”…

We are never alone.

Emotions

Who knew that humans had such a wide variety of emotions.

Who knew we could contain in every crevice of our bodies and minds such an immense amount of feelings.

Anger, hate, frustration, discontent, smite, sadness, sorrow, and on and on.

You called and said I know it’s not fair, but i love you.  I couldn’t say it back today.  It’s hard.  I’m so confused.  Have you said goodbye to her?  How do I know you aren’t sitting there with her right beside you telling her the same thing?  I don’t.

I don’t know if you are lying.  I don’t know if you are still just saying words to say words and cover your butt.  I don’t know if you are really alone at 6pm or not.  I don’t know if things are going to fall through.  It makes my stomach feel sick just thinking about it.  I don’t know.  I really want it to work but I don’t want someone who isn’t the man of God they are supposed to be every single day.

I’m indifferent.  I’ve hoped so much, fought so much, stayed in it so much that I have nothing left to fight with.  If you want it…it’s all you.  Your battle.  I’ll try to hang on and hope it works out.  If you change your mind and decide that we aren’t worth the battle, that’s fine.  I had the divorce people’s phone number sitting on the seat beside me a few days ago.  It’s a reality I’ve had to become ok with and I’m ok with that too.  It sucks, but as my friend says, I’m worth the best.  Bring on the best there husband.  Bring on the best.

Sex

I was in the beloved shower again.  Sometimes I consider skipping the shower part of my day, but then the overwhelming need to be free of the boogers, spit up, peanut butter and sour milk beats out the need to avoid the stupid thoughts that always come.

So I had a shower.  Aren’t you glad?

Thoughts of him and her came like they often do.  How could he just have said, “might as well” that first time?  Seriously?  As if it would have no effect?  As if it’s my fault? As if our marriage didn’t matter?  As if not only that piece of paper that we signed didn’t say anything.  That our covenant that we came into didn’t matter.  My word is my promise.  If I say it I try with all my heart to do it.  Divorce was never really an option.  But now it’s a very real reality.

We made a covenant.  A promise to be true to each other, to be faithful, for better or worse, rich or poor, no matter what our feelings said, to love unconditionally…me…only me…you so easily threw that out the window…you so easily betrayed everything you said, everything you promised…not only did you smash all your dreams, but mine too…sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so blinded and saw your selfishness way long ago.  Our marriage, our covenant meant nothing.  If someone broke a covenant elsewhere they would be dead, or forsaken or something intense.

Your words and your actions showed that I mean nothing to you.  Nothing.  I still mean nothing to you according to your actions. “I’ll do what I need to do, be cool.”  What does that mean?  What is it you need to do and if I mean anything to you, if your kids mean anything to you then why don’t you do what you need to do right away?  We aren’t worth much to you if you still can’t sacrifice for us.  If you can’t do the hard deed right away no matter how much it hurts.  I get it.  I get that you have invested some of yourself into her.  That you like her more than me.  That you had sex with her and gave yourself to her.  I get it that you like her.  That you went shopping, out to eat, bought stuff, watched movies, went on trips, camping…everything you and I did.  You replaced me with someone that you didn’t fight with, someone that didn’t challenge you to be better, a relationship that was easier (for now).   But if you are going to do the right thing then you are going to have to sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice if you are going to make anything slightly right.  That needs to start now.

I’m at the point of no return, almost past it.  I’m not sure that this is fixable and it cannot wait.  If you are going to give it a shot you need to start proving it, showing it, doing everything you can to fix it…NOW.  Put me on your bank account or close it and go back to our joint one.  Let me see everything you are buying…no more dates.  Call every day…twice a day. Talk about real things, things that hurt, things that suck, flirt.   Answer my calls the moment I call…even in the evenings…make my hours 24/7 instead of days.  Call your children every single day.  Don’t give them the hope that you are coming but start to build a relationship with them.  Skype.  Send money regularly.  Prove to me that our relationship, the relationship with your children is worth everything to you.

Dump her in the trash and don’t make a move, don’t say anything when I bash her.  When I call her inappropriate names.  When I hate on her.  Don’t defend her.  Don’t look sad for her or your heart.  I really dislike you and I hate her.

Back to the shower…sex.  All desire that I ever had is gone.  You have wiped every desire, every need of it away.  I used to crave it.  I used to beg you to have it with me.  Your cheating on me and addiction to porn had cause me to be unfulfilled because you were having your needs met in other ways.  It makes me feel loved, it’s just something I need, something I want.  I’m kinda like a man in that department.  Or was.

It’s gone.  I want to be held, but at the same time I don’t even want to be touched.  I’ve noticed I cringe when a guy touches me, tries to hug me at church.  I can’t even look in their eyes.  My nights are not spent thinking of you.  My showers aren’t spent remembering good things.  I want to be held, but the thought of being touched at all, in any way, makes me feel dizzy and sick.

It’s a heart issue.  Only God can fix it.  Not everyone is going to hurt me.  I can be healed.  He can heal me.  If my husband wants me back how is it going to happen?  If every effort to prove to me that he is trustworthy, patient, that he loves me, that he would do anything for me, that he loves me like Christ loves the church…I think our relationship is screwed.   We aren’t going to make it.  If I can’t allow myself to be healed, allow myself to trust again.  If I can’t learn from my mistakes.  If I can’t be patient.  We’re screwed.

There is so much riding on this.  So much still to be lost.  So much that could be gained.  You screwed another woman, abandoned me, stopped talking to me, pushed me away,  yet don’t want to divorce me. Talk about confusing.  No wonder why I just want to cry all day.  I wish it was three years from now and could skip this part.

Drowning

Peace.   I need peace so bad right now.  This song brings me peace.  I feel like I’m drowning.  Absolutely drowning.  My body, my face everything is underwater.  My chest is squeezed tight, my lungs are burning, my heart is pounding in great fear, my eyes see nothing but the dark abyss, my ears hear nothing but muffled sounds…i’m drowning and I don’t know how to swim.

I have so much anger.  So much hate.  So much fear. I feel like it’s killing me.

My gut, my instincts are going crazy.

They say I’m an idiot.  I’m an idiot for waiting for you, for believing in you, for being patient.  They say I’m an idiot.

Today it was hard to see any hope.  Any light.

I need more Jesus.  He’s truly the only one that can save me.  He’s the only one that can heal.  The only one that can do anything in our lives.

I want to believe.

I can just see you worshiping.  One of the most beautiful things I’ve seen.  Your eyes closed, your hands stretched wide, your voice sweet,  all of you in abandon to God.  It is seriously one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen.   One of the reasons I fell in love with you.   The hope to hear you sing again, to see you worship again, to worship with you again may be the only thing that keeps me going at this moment.

I thank God for this picture.  A few moments ago I wasn’t sure if I could wait for you.  I wasn’t sure if I could stay for the slight chance that things might work, but the hope of seeing you worship our God again has given me a little more peace, a smidge of hope.

Maybe we’ll be able to dance in the car again.  Maybe we’ll be able to dance in the kitchen again.  Maybe I’ll see you dance with your little princesses and prince again.  Maybe I’ll see you dance with your youngest whom you’ve never seen.  Maybe you and I will be able to have a slow dance one day, I don’t care where, just you and me.  Maybe we’ll be able to dance at a wedding reception that we never had nearly 7 years ago.  Maybe.  This hope makes me drown even more, but in tears.  Good tears.  Those don’t happen too much.

Maybe things will be different.  Maybe you will step up.  Maybe you will be the man God called you to be.  Be the man I know you can be.  Maybe you will leave her.  Maybe you will chose me.  Maybe we will be able to work out our differences.  Maybe I will be your queen and you will be my king.  Maybe things will be good.  Maybe.  Maybe.  Just maybe.

God can do anything.  He is a big God.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders”

Prove to me I can trust you again.  I don’t want to hear my daughter say she misses you anymore.  I don’t want to hear her say she doesn’t want to talk to you.  I don’t want to have to answer why you don’t want to be my husband anymore.  I don’t want to have to explain choices anymore, your choices.  I don’t want to have explain how some people don’t know how much Jesus loves them, how some people don’t always do the right thing.  I don’t want to have to do this anymore.   I don’t want to have to keep the tears back as we discuss these things.  “I really miss daddy.  Why doesn’t he want to be your husband anymore?”  So much heartbreak.  Lord heal us.  Heal my children’s wounds.  My husbands wounds and my wounds.  Bring your healing and peace to us all.  

Immense Fear

I just want to weep.  I just want to cry till there are no more tears.  Wash the stress away.  Relieve the pressure in my chest.  I just want to kick and scream.  To hit something.  To pull my hair out.  To hide.

My hope is soaring.

Yet my faith is little, almost non-existant.

And most of all am I ready for it if he does come back? Am I really ready for this?  Would I survive the influx of emotions and memories that I would feel?  Would I be able to contain my anger when it hit?  Would I be able to restrain the leaps in my heart of love?  Would I be able to contain the overwhelming sadness that would come?

Would I let the little things slide and get back into the hole that we started from?  Would I let him stay, would I remain if the lies still existed, if God wasn’t number one, if I wasn’t pursued, if I wasn’t treated like a queen, if the children weren’t put above himself.  Would I stay or would I have the guts to go.  It scares the poop out of me cause I know that the odds are not in my favor.  I would probably cave.  This is a bad bad cycle to be in.  A bad place to be in.  I pray so desperately that I am protected and brave and strong and that he choses the right thing for not only himself but for the kids and I.

I hope so bad that I don’t get hurt again, that they don’t get hurt again.

That I don’t get a phone call tomorrow saying, “I can’t do it”, “I lied”, “I chose her forever”.  That he doesn’t get here and is the same person.  I can’t do that.  Just thinking about it makes we want to barf.  Just thinking about it makes me want to smash my head against a wall.  I can’t do that again.  I can’t.

It would be so much easier to quit.  To get a divorce.  To be free.  It would still be a battle.  A journey.  But it would be a different one.  An easier one.  Much easier.  But easier isn’t always better.  Easier often isn’t better.  To get the best you often have to work the hardest.

I could say I cleaned and just tidy the house or I could say I cleaned and sweep, mop, wipe the walls, dust every nook and cranny.  The second is better, but harder to get.

God says to forgive infinitely.  God says love is patient.  God says love doesn’t give up.  God says in the end there is faith hope and love.  The greatest is love.  But it’s scarier than seeing my child walk around with their potty full of crap.  It’s scary.  It’s a huge chance.  A huge risk I am taking for myself and for my family.  If it works out it will be the best choice I could have made. If it fails it will be the worst mistake of my life.

Dear Lord help me.  Please don’t let my husband fail me again.  Atleast the kids aren’t at risk as long as he is not here for now. If he shows up, their hearts are at risk all over again.  They know nothing about him thinking about coming back.  They don’t know mommy and daddy have a chance at staying married.  They don’t know he asked for his resume to be emailed to him.  They don’t know there is hope.  They are safe where they are.  Processing the fact that he isn’t here and isn’t coming.  I can’t risk breaking their heart all over again.   They are safe for now.

Please keep our hearts safe Lord.  You love us more than anyone else.  

Hopeless Hope

What am I supposed to do?

My hope soars.  I’m happy.  Yet I know it will more than likely bring me pain.

I’m still on wife number one’s hours.

I need to stop conversing with you.  I really need to.

As I said in the last blog I’m an idiot.  I want to believe the best in you, but it’s hard.  I’ve been hurt so many times and I’m still on your hours.  It makes me so angry.

It would bring me so much joy if you got to meet your daughter.  If your son knew who you were.

It would bring me so much pain if you came back the way you are now.

You said by the middle of the week you get an incredible sense of sadness.  One were you just want to crawl in a ball and cry.

I know that feeling.  I feel it every single day.

You sounded so adamant when you talked to me.  You cried when you talked about a certain obstacle keeping you from coming.  Yet I still see very little change.

You are trying to help with the search of a vehicle.  You are asking how much I need.  Yet the conversation still stops half way through.  So stupid.  You have some concern about providing, but I’m still treated like crap.

Now is when I want to curl in a ball and cry.  I just wish it were all over.  I wish we were either done or things were more on the positive side.  I hate this.

Why do I have hope when it feels so hopeless.

Can you please come and get your newborn to sleep?  Can you give me all your attention?  Will I ever feel beautiful again?  It’s a heart issue.  Lots of things are heart issues.  I don’t feel beautiful.  I don’t feel of worth.  I don’t feel special.  I don’t feel pretty.  So I treat myself like that.  As I eat endless amounts of cookies to deal with all these emotions.

So many heart issues.

Dear Lord heal our hearts.  Make our hearts whole.  Bring love into our hearts.  Wether our relationship makes it or not, heal us.  I forgive him for not putting me first.  I forgive him.  Help me to forgive him.  Teach my heart to forgive.  In Jesus name amen.