So Messed Up

I am so behind on writing that I don’t know what to say.

I need to fall out of love with a man that doesn’t love me.  I need to fall out of love with a man that I am going to divorce.  I need to stop talking to him the way I do.  Inappropriately for a man that is cheating on me.  I have become his “dirty little secret”…wrong on so many levels.

A week ago I had sex with a man that I knew I was going to divorce.

I still love the man that is living with another woman.  Something is seriously wrong with me I think.

I’m still talking to him because I don’t want to be alone.  I’m scared to say goodbye.  I’m scared to say I can’t do this anymore.  I don’t want to be Mrs. Name anymore.

Yet at the same time I want to call him all the time.  I want to text him.  I want to FaceTime him.  Then two minutes later I remember he is spending Christmas with another woman and not his own children and I get so pissed.  I wish I could just divorce him then and there.

It’s so easy to get married how come it can’t be that easy to get divorced?  I have to be Mrs. Name for at least 4 more months because I have to live here for a year before I can file.

I’m in such a screwed up situation.  I know he is bad to me.  I know he is probably spewing out lies left and right, but it’s so nice to hear the I love you.  It’s so nice to hear him call two minutes after we talked just to say I love you again.  It’s so nice to hear him say you aren’t an idiot.  It’s so nice to hear him say you’re not stupid your in love and so am I.

But to be quite frank I am an idiot.  He doesn’t love me.  If he did he wouldn’t have cheated on me.  He wouldn’t have lied about continuing to cheat on me and he wouldn’t still be cheating on me.  I’m an idiot and I can’t stop talking to him.

My friend said quitting talking to him is like quitting crack.  She’s right.  Not that I’ve ever had to quit crack…never did drugs…ever…never plan on it.  I tried to quit him for a day.  I went almost 24 hours.  I felt panic, I felt my chest tightening, I felt sick, I felt like my world was crashing down…most of the day I went hour my hour and my friend helped me through.  It felt good to get through it.  I feel like I can do it again more stronger on my own, but I failed at keeping the silence.  I had to see him.  He’s cute what can I say…and that “zing” is there when we look in each others eyes…but it’s all a freaking lie.

I am filing for custody and access after Christmas and then divorce.  He isn’t going to do what it takes to move here.  He is still with her.  He abandoned us.  He doesn’t really love us.  If he did he wouldn’t have left us.

My life is so messed up right now.

So Messed Up

Break the Ties

I was mistaken.  Today will be the first day I don’t talk to him.

It’s so hard not to call him just to talk, but I have to break myself from him.  I have to fall out of love.  I have to stop talking to him and do it without bitterness seeping in.

I can’t talk to him when he’s with someone else’s family Christmas day and has some other persons little girl on his lap.  Yes I saw a pic of him with “her” family and some little girl wrapped around his neck.  Yes his girlfriend face booked me, yes it was horrible and yes I am bigger than all that and blocked the nasty lady, yes she is a nasty person who also lied to try to hurt me on purpose.

I have to break this tie.

It’s really really hard, but I have to do it.  Christmas and our quickly approaching anniversary is going to be unbearable if I don’t.

I now know why people have rebound flings.  I feel as if it would help, but I won’t do it.  I can’t do it, not that anyone would want someone with four kids and so much baggage.  But I now understand.

I must break these ties.  I am thankful for this blog and for my one friend who is there through it all to keep me accountable.  It’s been nearly 6 hours without speaking to him, I can do this.

Still Alive…barely

It’s been a week and one day since I picked my husband up from the airport.

I’m not really in the mood for talking.  I’m at the point of no sleep, exhaustion, no want for food and just existing, but I managed to get half a bowl of cereal down this morning.

It was the funnest most passionate weekend probably that we have ever had.

Saying that it’s also the worst of my life.

After months of calling me three times a day and saying I love you constantly and sending me gifts and notes I catch him face timing “her” in my own house.

I enjoy my time with him, he cries, I cry…atleast half the time we are crying and he apologizes profusly.  I say goodbye, he says don’t say goodbye.  I say goodbye.

He gets home and I get a text saying “I finally know what I want”….

A little late.

I cannot divorce him until I’ve been here a year…so April 29 I will be filing for divorce.  In the meantime I can start the custody paperwork.

If he really truly wants me he will do whatever he has to to get here and he will cut her out completely which I will have no way of knowing, but he won’t.

Today is the first day I am not answering his phone calls.

It sucks.  I started his box of his stuff that I am going to tuck away in a closet.

Please no “I told you so’s”

My life sucks right now.

Dear Lord help me.

UFC

Christmas is coming.

I was very afraid that it would be horrible this year…emotionally.  But I am still quite excited like my usual self.  That is brings me a smile to my face.

We are all recovering from the stomach flu…that’s just horrible stuff.  Hopefully I get the sick feeling out now and I don’t feel sick when I go pick husband up from the airport.  I still can’t believe he is coming.  He kept his word, he is coming to see us after soooo long.  Man I don’t know what to think.

“You get what you deserve”…”No No I didn’t get what I deserved”…”yeah…you’re right”…..So many of our conversations bring back the past.  Even if we aren’t speaking anything about the past comments bring up thoughts of it.  I so often just have to shut my lips.  Does he not remember?  I’m sure he does…he’s so nonchalant about it.  Does it hurt him so much?  He tries to forget about?  I don’t know how I would live with myself if I cheated on him, if I broke him like he broke me.  Although don’t get me wrong at times I just want to go be with another man just to see his reaction, show him how much it hurts….but that’s just the selfish side of me.

Life goes on….I passed by chicks fighting on ufc while flipping…I don’t understand why people would want to endure that pain or why they would want to inflict it on someone else.  It makes no sense to me.   Why would you want to hurt anyone?  I know why you would want to hurt them…why would you actually go do it?

Thank you Father for your love.  Thank you that you don’t want to hurt me.  That you always love me, always want to see me safe and happy.  Thank you that I get to live this life for you.  Thank you that it’s almost Jesus’ birthday.  Thank you that my children are super blessed this year even though we have had a crazy year.  Lord I am super scared about husband coming to visit.  I’m tired of not feeling loved.  I just want to live my life and be happy God and not have to deal with with relationship crap.  Thanks again for loving me.  Amen

Mary Pushed

I’ve been listening to Christmas music trying to put together a small christmas program for the kids at church.  One music video from Hillsong (love them) showed Mary and Joseph and a real live baby Jesus…dear 6lb 7ounce baby Jesus…it’s astounding to think that in a little tiny human body dwelled the Son of God.  That’s amazing.  The Son of God was in the form of a tiny helpless human being.  Mary had a mind boggling task.  I wonder what she thought about it all.  She grew and housed the Son of God in her body and then pushed Him out…ha ha she pushed God out threw her woman parts…how weird!

How amazing would it have been to hold the Son of God in your arms, to have Him reach up and touch your face, to have the sole responsibility of caring for Him and providing for Him.

Looking at 3 right now as she sat in her little rocking chair and talked to me I thought, what would it be like if that was the Son of God right there…it’s just such a strange thought!  I’m so glad that wasn’t my responsibility, but I certainly would have traveled far to worship Him.  Man.

I still think the funniest thing is that Mary pushed Him out.  And what did she do without a soother/pacifier?  Did He cry?  Did He irritate His brothers?  Did He do silly shoulder shrugging dances?  Did He randomly grab His mom’s head and hug her?   Just such weird things to think about.  A Savior came to the earth as a human and lived as a human just for us.  So we could go to heaven, so we could know what true forgiveness is and so we can live forgiving so we don’t have to carry that burden of hate.  He came so that I don’t have to hurt anymore.  He not only died but he was birthed into the world from a woman’s body for us.  He sure didn’t have to, but He did so things could work out properly.  He was pushed through a pelvis for us. Ha Ha

Thanks Jesus for not only dying but coming into this world the crazy human way.  Thank you for setting the ultimate example of forgiveness.  Thank you for teaching me to forgive.  I love you!  As one song I ran across said…Your great, you rock, you rule and You are totally cool.  

I loved this Christmas video. Hope you enjoy!  I thought Christmas was going to suck for me, but I think it’s going to be all right 🙂