Ugh

Today I had a really great day.  It included playing spies and bad guys with the kids, wrestling and getting caught in their “trap” that took an hour to set-up and I had noooo idea about.  It included a “dinner party” with a 5 year old cutie, yet slow waitress, and watching one of our favorite tv shows.  It included a little shopping and riding the train at the mall.  I think I get more excited than the kids about the train.

My day was great…on the outside.

On the inside I was a mess.  I wanted to cry and scream in rage all at different points.  I am unhappy with my life.  I am unhappy with where I am.  This is not where I imagined myself to be.  I am not happy with where I am living and many other things.  I am not happy that my team mate bailed on me. I am not happy with his choices that have affected my life and my children’s.

5 wanted to get a knife for daddy for christmas.  We couldn’t because he can’t take it on the plane home with him.  She said well we can just keep it until he comes back.  Telling your daughter that you aren’t sure if he will ever live with us again sucks! Especially in front of the sales lady.

And worst of all.  When I closed my eyes today images flashed before me that should never be seen.  Images that I have never actually seen but only imagined. They make me hate him all over again.  They force me to say.  “I forgive him. I forgive him.  I forgive him.” over and over and over again.   How do I make these go away?

He stopped cursing on the phone, but today he started saying things that I don’t find appropriate.  Just little things that I don’t really want my kids growing up saying.  Like calling people a retard.  I’m down with silly name calling in the name of fun, but when you do it with a different attitude and tone it’s not cool.  You might as well call someone stupid or an idiot. Or thinking your better than most everyone, or talking about balls.   Just little things like that.  Maybe I’m nit picking because of the images I imagined earlier out of dislike for him, but to be honest.  If we were dating and didn’t have four children together…not even the children, if we didn’t have a marriage.  If I didn’t commit myself to him already I wouldn’t date him.  He would not be a man I would choose again.  It breaks my heart to say that.

I love him.  I know who he can be.  I’ve seen it before.  But right now, that’s often not him.  Maybe I’m just being naggy and seeing all the stuff I dislike because he had sex with another woman.

He asked what I wanted for Christmas.  I said to see him and to effectively communicate our feelings without oober tension or fighting and to know I’m loved.  I am very concerned about him coming.  Today it’s more so for my children’s sake.  I hope he is a good example for them.  He’s been a crappy father for a while now.  I hope he steps up and shows them what a gentleman looks like for the 5 days he gets to influence their lives.

Well this was a lot of negative nancy today.  But it’s off my chest and tomorrow is a new day.

Father, my life sucks right now.  I don’t really hate my husband.  I have forgiven him.  I do love him.  Thank you for him.  Thank you for who he is.  Help me to fall more in love with him.  I made a commitment to him.  I told him I would give him more time.  Help me be true to that word.  Lord I know you love me and you have super great things for me.  Show me the good things in my husband.  Help him to show me how much he loves me.  Help our relationship Lord.  It’s exhausting having a broken marriage.  I had a super great day on the outside Lord, help make my insides to have super great days too.  God you are amazing and spectacular and I’m so thankful that you live on the inside of me.  If you live there, how can anything but awesome and amazing be on the inside?  Take over my being.  Take over my head too.  I love you God.  In Jesus name Amen.

Prince Charming

I dreamt of having a husband since I was a little girl.

I used to have a Minnie Mouse diary with one of those cute little keys from when I was about ten years old.  I wrote about the boys I liked and wondered if they were my husband.  I was ten for goodness sake.  I have countless journals of prayers and things I had been learning in the Bible.  Most of the prayer included somewhere, “Thank you for my husband, thank you for bringing him to me, thank you for keeping him for me”…or something to that effect.

When I was 16 I started a journal written specifically to my husband.  It talked about how I prayed for him, how I was thankful for him, excited to meet him, couldn’t wait to live my life with him, the things I wanted to do with him and other hopes and dreams.

I had a scrapbook of my dream wedding.  Dresses, ideas…mostly dresses.  For the day I would dress up and be a princess and marry my prince charming.

I would spend hours on the floor praying and pouring out my heart to God.  I would ask why it was taking so long.  I would beg him to send me someone.  I had visions and God spoke to me about being patient.

One night as I was laying on my face I saw a park.  It was a beautiful field of grass with a few trees off in the distance and one near by me.  There was a bench under the tree.  I don’t remember everything but I do remember seeing a silhouette on the other end of the field.  He walked up towards me and said something like “I’m waiting for you.”  He sat down behind me and we rested back to back.

Weird I know.  But it kept me going.  Being patient.

I think God was keeping me safe my whole teenage hood and my awkwardness and weirdness were probably helping keep the boys away.  When I got to be 16 the anticipated year of when I would be allowed to date…it came and went with no prospects..or even asking of me.  The whole year went.  As did most of my 17th year.  I waited, trying to be patient, immersing myself in God.  One night I cried out to God..”What’s wrong with me?! Why does no one like me?!”

The very next day while chatting on ICQ…remember ICQ?  The coolest thing around, you could talk to anyone who  was on their computer without having to actually be on the phone or in the same place.  Reply whenever you wanted, ignore or anything…kinda like text!  Anyways I was chatting on ICQ with…a boy…I actually talked to lots of boys on ICQ and msn or whatever the other version was, but I suppose my awkward weirdness got in the way.

I was finally asked…”Do you want to hang out?”

AHA! Champion!  The moment finally arrived!  I was going on a date!  Actually he asked me to go over to his house  where he and his friends were playing video games.  My anti-social and warning alarms went off that that was a bad idea, but a few evenings later he picked me up in his momma’s car.

It was actually one of the funnest dates I had been on.  We went mini-golfing, ate at Montanas and then got some ice cream and went for a walk.  He attempted to tickle me…I failed at that one.  And he returned me home before dark…disappointed.  I proceeded to dive out of the car when he commenced at rubbing my hair (like you do a child)…I was totally turned off by that and ran inside.  Slammed the door shut and did the typical girl thing of leaning against the door.  I was enchanted by just the fact that a boy dated me.  I jabbered on about it to my friends.  Tried to continue to talk to him on ICQ, but after a “we should do that again” I never heard back from him again.

It was not much heart break but it was enough to renew my convictions of waiting for the right guy.  It gave me hope that I am not a weird, nothing is wrong with me I was just waiting for the right guy.

I waited for my prince charming.

My grandma would write me encouraging notes as I went to her house every weekend.  “Your prince charming is coming.”  I will never forget that.  She believed in me.  To be honest she still does.  She has no idea of the turmoil my life is in right now.  She was one of the ones rooting me on.

I knew he would come when he would come and I believed I would know when it was time.

Well as described in one of my first blogs I met him.  I met my prince charming.  The one who made me laugh, prayed with me, held the door for me and didn’t make fun of my dorkiness.

My prince charming…was hard to live with at times.  Disappointed me at times.

My prince charming failed me.  He lost the spot of my prince charming.  Prince charming is not supposed to lie, abandon, betray or cheat on me.

Prince Charming is a gentleman, Godly, respectful and loves unconditionally.

Mine failed.  The repercussions are huge.  The princesses that prince charming found does not feel like a princesses.  Not loved, not cherished, not beautiful, not worthy, not clean.

Expectations are too high sometimes and most often failed.

Thoughts are not what a princess should think about.  They are dark.  They are scary.  They are disgusting.  They are anything but lovely.  It is a daily, often moment by moment battle to keep the lovely things in mind.  It’s a constant battle to rejoice, to find joy, to be happy.  It’s a battle to swat away the worry and expectations that are not met.  I want to shut everyone out.  I want to cry and sleep the day away until the pain and images that come to my head are gone.  I want to go back to the days were I was just an innocent dork waiting for my prince charming to come.

Lord give me new visions and new hope.  New dreams and renew my passion for the days.  Take away the darkness.  Take away the sadness please.  Joy comes in the morning…make it morning.  Help me Lord fall in love with you again.

Conditional Love

I am hurting husband.

Nights have become long again and sleep has gone again.
A problem has come up, a hurt has surfaced and I am not the one that is talked to about it.  I am abandoned.  It feels very much like I am loved conditionally.   If I say something wrong, even if my family hurts I’m the one that gets abandoned and loved conditionally.
Maybe I should have just listened.  I understand that, sometimes the need to fix everything overcomes your need of just listening.  But when I’m shut out of your life it truly feels like their are conditions on the love you have for me.  That’s how I feel.
I was first abandoned basically because I didn’t work (that was the excuse I was given), then I was just shut out…that’s not being loved unconditionally.   And now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells because if I say the wrong thing I’ll be abandoned again or left out.  I know it’s slightly an extreme but as I said it’s how I feel.
I can’t keep doing this.  I can’t be shut out every time a problem is faced.  Let me in.  Even if I screw up in handling it.  I need to be loved unconditionally and I need to be the number one person you talk to in your life.  You always told me not to bottle stuff up inside, please don’t do it to me.
I get shut out and nightmares come.  Even though I don’t go to bed thinking this dreams about my husband and another lady.  Dreams of me going to visit him and he still won’t come home with me.  Dreams of me visiting for three days and he won’t have sex with me because he’s getting satisfied by her.  Dreams that he won’t cuddle me and is just going through the emotions with me because he would rather be invested other places and with other people.
Don’t shut me out and don’t love me conditionally.  It’s not going to work and I can’t do this.

Dark

I’m so tired.

Life is exhausting.  Trying to find work, trying to do things single moms have to do, dealing with the emotions of my husband, why hasn’t he come here yet, will this actually work?  Knowing that I will be up tonight thinking, nursing and taking people to the potty is exhausting in itself.

It’s still hard to believe that you actually care.  You actually care that I got some sleep last night.  It’s kind of nice.

I think sometimes emotions are more exhausting than the physical day of chasing mini-me’s.

Somedays are just so dark.  Waking up the other day realizing my body will never compare to her is horrible.  The days when I can’t stop thinking about the crap you did.  The sex you had with her.  The lies you told me.  It’s hard.  Thinking about you holding me, our conversations, doing life together…is now exhausting, will it actually happen?

One moment life is good, the next it’s midnight and dark and scary and I can’t escape.

It feels like postpartum.  Whatever it is it’s freaking dark.  It’s depressing.  It’s hard to get out of.  It’s hard to be cheerful when talking to you.  It’s hard not to hurt you with my words.  It’s hard to walk in love.

I can do all things with Jesus.

Joy

I’m so thankful that joy really does come in the morning.

Sometimes it gets so dark, I just want out, I want away, I want a divorce.  I detests looking at pictures of you.  I hate you.  I hate you for what you have done to me.  I hate her.  I hate myself for getting here and not getting out.

And then I call Jesus and peace comes.  The morning comes and everything is ok.  I have peace again.  I have joy.  I have purpose.  I’m ok.  I love you, I hope, I dream, I’m going to survive and it’s going to be ok.  I smile again.  Joy comes again.

It’s exhausting emotionally.  Someday this will end.  Someday there will be more joy and hope than doubt and fear and darkness.

Joy comes in the morning.

I told you last night I prayed for you.  You said you prayed in tongues.  Hello.  That’s good news!  That’s a little bit of light in darkness.

God is faithful.  His promises are true.  Joy comes in the morning.  He is my prince of peace.  He is strong and almighty.  He is my lover.  There is nothing that is going to get in between us again.  He is my all.

Drowning

Peace.   I need peace so bad right now.  This song brings me peace.  I feel like I’m drowning.  Absolutely drowning.  My body, my face everything is underwater.  My chest is squeezed tight, my lungs are burning, my heart is pounding in great fear, my eyes see nothing but the dark abyss, my ears hear nothing but muffled sounds…i’m drowning and I don’t know how to swim.

I have so much anger.  So much hate.  So much fear. I feel like it’s killing me.

My gut, my instincts are going crazy.

They say I’m an idiot.  I’m an idiot for waiting for you, for believing in you, for being patient.  They say I’m an idiot.

Today it was hard to see any hope.  Any light.

I need more Jesus.  He’s truly the only one that can save me.  He’s the only one that can heal.  The only one that can do anything in our lives.

I want to believe.

I can just see you worshiping.  One of the most beautiful things I’ve seen.  Your eyes closed, your hands stretched wide, your voice sweet,  all of you in abandon to God.  It is seriously one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen.   One of the reasons I fell in love with you.   The hope to hear you sing again, to see you worship again, to worship with you again may be the only thing that keeps me going at this moment.

I thank God for this picture.  A few moments ago I wasn’t sure if I could wait for you.  I wasn’t sure if I could stay for the slight chance that things might work, but the hope of seeing you worship our God again has given me a little more peace, a smidge of hope.

Maybe we’ll be able to dance in the car again.  Maybe we’ll be able to dance in the kitchen again.  Maybe I’ll see you dance with your little princesses and prince again.  Maybe I’ll see you dance with your youngest whom you’ve never seen.  Maybe you and I will be able to have a slow dance one day, I don’t care where, just you and me.  Maybe we’ll be able to dance at a wedding reception that we never had nearly 7 years ago.  Maybe.  This hope makes me drown even more, but in tears.  Good tears.  Those don’t happen too much.

Maybe things will be different.  Maybe you will step up.  Maybe you will be the man God called you to be.  Be the man I know you can be.  Maybe you will leave her.  Maybe you will chose me.  Maybe we will be able to work out our differences.  Maybe I will be your queen and you will be my king.  Maybe things will be good.  Maybe.  Maybe.  Just maybe.

God can do anything.  He is a big God.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders”

Prove to me I can trust you again.  I don’t want to hear my daughter say she misses you anymore.  I don’t want to hear her say she doesn’t want to talk to you.  I don’t want to have to answer why you don’t want to be my husband anymore.  I don’t want to have to explain choices anymore, your choices.  I don’t want to have explain how some people don’t know how much Jesus loves them, how some people don’t always do the right thing.  I don’t want to have to do this anymore.   I don’t want to have to keep the tears back as we discuss these things.  “I really miss daddy.  Why doesn’t he want to be your husband anymore?”  So much heartbreak.  Lord heal us.  Heal my children’s wounds.  My husbands wounds and my wounds.  Bring your healing and peace to us all.  

Immense Fear

I just want to weep.  I just want to cry till there are no more tears.  Wash the stress away.  Relieve the pressure in my chest.  I just want to kick and scream.  To hit something.  To pull my hair out.  To hide.

My hope is soaring.

Yet my faith is little, almost non-existant.

And most of all am I ready for it if he does come back? Am I really ready for this?  Would I survive the influx of emotions and memories that I would feel?  Would I be able to contain my anger when it hit?  Would I be able to restrain the leaps in my heart of love?  Would I be able to contain the overwhelming sadness that would come?

Would I let the little things slide and get back into the hole that we started from?  Would I let him stay, would I remain if the lies still existed, if God wasn’t number one, if I wasn’t pursued, if I wasn’t treated like a queen, if the children weren’t put above himself.  Would I stay or would I have the guts to go.  It scares the poop out of me cause I know that the odds are not in my favor.  I would probably cave.  This is a bad bad cycle to be in.  A bad place to be in.  I pray so desperately that I am protected and brave and strong and that he choses the right thing for not only himself but for the kids and I.

I hope so bad that I don’t get hurt again, that they don’t get hurt again.

That I don’t get a phone call tomorrow saying, “I can’t do it”, “I lied”, “I chose her forever”.  That he doesn’t get here and is the same person.  I can’t do that.  Just thinking about it makes we want to barf.  Just thinking about it makes me want to smash my head against a wall.  I can’t do that again.  I can’t.

It would be so much easier to quit.  To get a divorce.  To be free.  It would still be a battle.  A journey.  But it would be a different one.  An easier one.  Much easier.  But easier isn’t always better.  Easier often isn’t better.  To get the best you often have to work the hardest.

I could say I cleaned and just tidy the house or I could say I cleaned and sweep, mop, wipe the walls, dust every nook and cranny.  The second is better, but harder to get.

God says to forgive infinitely.  God says love is patient.  God says love doesn’t give up.  God says in the end there is faith hope and love.  The greatest is love.  But it’s scarier than seeing my child walk around with their potty full of crap.  It’s scary.  It’s a huge chance.  A huge risk I am taking for myself and for my family.  If it works out it will be the best choice I could have made. If it fails it will be the worst mistake of my life.

Dear Lord help me.  Please don’t let my husband fail me again.  Atleast the kids aren’t at risk as long as he is not here for now. If he shows up, their hearts are at risk all over again.  They know nothing about him thinking about coming back.  They don’t know mommy and daddy have a chance at staying married.  They don’t know he asked for his resume to be emailed to him.  They don’t know there is hope.  They are safe where they are.  Processing the fact that he isn’t here and isn’t coming.  I can’t risk breaking their heart all over again.   They are safe for now.

Please keep our hearts safe Lord.  You love us more than anyone else.  

Remember When

I’m in such a fog.

You didn’t show up at my door.  You don’t love me.  You don’t love them.  I never really expected you to, but I always hope.  Why do I always hope?  I would always hope that you would surprise me and come home early.  Little did I know you were with her.  I would always hope that you would bring me home a present.  I would always hope that you would send something in the mail.  I would always hope that you would call me.  I would always hope that you would answer your phone even when I knew you wouldn’t.  I always hoped you would come back to me.  Even now when I gave you a deadline.  When I hated you more than I ever had I still hoped.  I hoped you would do the right thing.  Why do I always hope?  It always breaks me heart.  No matter how much I try not to hope, I know it’s bad news to hope, I do it anyways.

I need to remind myself constantly that there is no more hope.  You did not show up for your family.

I’ve felt so much grief today.  So much sadness.  Distress.  I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  My chest hurts from the stress.  How am I going to survive?

That still small voice came this morning.  I must forgive.

How can I forgive?  I must.  I can’t live with this hate, this grief, this disgust for you or her.  I must somehow learn to forgive once again.

I can start by remembering the good.  The good will help me forgive.

A facebook quote…”Don’t fall for someone who won’t catch you.”…yeah that lesson is learned.

Remember going to the cottage for Christmas a few years ago?  Christmas isn’t going to be the same anymore.

But remember that?  The beautiful water on the beach.  You and papa running away from the waves with your two year old?

Remember being in the town square on our anniversary dancing to Party Rock Anthem?   The car ride after?

Sitting at the table with the family?

Exploring the area?

It was fabulous.  I thought we were going to do it again?

Remember…it’s hard to think of another memory…when you drew that bath for me the one night in the big house?  Just you and me?

Do you remember me whooping your butt at the card game magic?  Watching you build a fire?  Going off roading in the truck? Building gingerbread houses?  Playing halo together…with my “awesome” skills.  Those darn walls always got in my way.

Remember the birth of our daughter?  How exhausting it was?  But we did it together.  You fell asleep holding my leg.  ha ha.  That’s not a bad memory.  It’s a funny one.

Remember me hitting you as you facebooked our second child’s labor?  Another good memory.  You helping me off the toilet and run to the bed so she wasn’t born in the toilet?

Our little man was born.  You were there for me more than you ever were.  You gave me a card after.  It said something like,  “I love you and am so proud to call you my wife.  I promise to do everything I can to show you how much I love.”

That was a lie.  A lie.

You were excited for our future the day we flew out.

There are good memories and I will forgive you.  I will forgive you.  If Jesus forgave me I can forgive you and I will.

My life is going to be ok.  Actually it will turn out great.  I will get out of this fog.  It will be ok.

I Hate Him

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.

There is probably going to be no Jesus in this one.

It’s been really bugging me.  You say you don’t want a divorce, but are you still with her?

I called and called and called tonight.

I texted asking if you were.

I texted saying if your drunk answer, if you are with her answer.

I called again.

The second time you answered.

“Do you want a divorce?”

“no”

“Are you still with her”

“Yes”

“Do you want a divorce?”

“no”

“Are you confused”

“yes”

“Are you still with her?”

“yes she is right here.”

“are you serious?”

“Do you want to talk to her?”

“yes”

“You’re on speaker phone”

“You do know he doesn’t pay child support”

“That’s none of my business honey”

“You know you destroyed our marriage.” As he tries to take me off speaker phone…”why are you with him, if he cheats on me he’ll cheat on you”

Hang up.

I hate him.  I absolutely hate him.  How am I supposed to forgive him again?

Why did he do this to me?  Why?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why?

I can hardly see the screen through the tears.

WHY!?!?!?

Why lead me on?  Why talk to me every day.  Why call to just talk to me.  Why?!

I hate him.  I absolutely hate him and I hate myself.

I’m so shattered.  So destroyed.  So many pieces of me, it’s unbearable.

How do I hide this pain from the kids tomorrow?  How do I live with a smile on my face?  How do I smile when they talk about him?  How am I supposed to say I miss him too now?  I feel sick.

No words can describe the absolute pain I feel inside.  No words.

You suck.  You have sucked everything out of me.  How am I supposed to love again?  Feel clean again?  Trust again?  How?

I really want to know why.  Why did you chose her over me?  Why?

I hate you.  How in the world can she call me honey?  How can she stand to be with you?  You cheat, you lie, you don’t support your responsibilities.

I hate you for what you’ve done to our kids.  I find random pictures all over of mommy and daddy holding hands and cuddling.  Secretly I hoped those pictures would come true for our little artist.  But you are choosing a lady instead of them.

I hate you for what you’ve done to me.  Dirty, ugly, shameful, filthy, contaminated, hurt, destroyed, broken, alone, abandoned, worthless.

I hate you for what you’ve done to yourself.  You were something great.  You could be something great.  You don’t care what others think so you could do the right thing.  You are a great speaker.  You are charismatic. You are strong and talented.  You could be great, but you chose the easy road…all the time.  You chose her over me.  Her over the poopy diapers.  Her over the crying children.  Her over the fighting for your marriage.  Her over family obstacles.  You chose her over your children.  How could someone do that.

I told you, you had tomorrow to fly here and be with us or you have chosen her for the rest of eternity.  I need to back of.  I need to let go.  You have chosen her.  You may be confused, but this isn’t something you are allowed to be confused about.  We are married.  We have children.  It’s an easy choice.  You need to leave that place.

I wish with all my heart you would make the right choice.  It would bring me great gladness.

I must leave you.  I must say goodbye.  I cannot be chained anymore.

You chose her over your kids.  Her over me.

I am so incredibly sad right now.

So sad.

Vivid

I had two very vivid thoughts of you today.

I am still dealing with the ramifications of the emotions brought on by these memories/thoughts.

One.  You very rarely took a kid to help lighten my load.  If you were going out you left them with me.  If I was going out you often sent them with me.  Dance, errands, church.  My load was not very often lightened.  Near the end you did, but for most of our relationship it was all me.  The cart full of kids while you did your own thing.  Thanks.

The other picture I couldn’t get out of my mind was you making out with another woman.  It disgusts me so much. Our moments of intimacy destroyed.  Intimacy was supposed to be between you and me only.

Unfortunately these thoughts brought me down this evening.  The beginning of the day was successful and productive and loving.  The second half was dark.

It’s hard to hide my grief from the kids sometimes.  They don’t need to bear my grief and my burden.  I love them.  That’s all they need to know right now, sunglasses and blasting David Crowder hide my tears well.

I’m exhausted.  The kids are exhausted, which makes me even more exhausted.

Are you going to let me go or are you going to keep holding on?  If we are going to talk more often can you at least ditch her?  Have you ditched her?  I feel choked.  I feel confused.  Why haven’t you divorced me?  You pushed me so far away yet we are still technically married.  We are separated, but you still want to talk.  Your lonely I suppose.  I may the one person you’ve actually kept a long distance relationship with.  I’m confused.

My whole life feels….I don’t know what it feels.   I guess like I said yesterday or was it this morning …face planted on the concrete…can you see the scrapes?  Can I get out of this mess somehow?

Lord my Savior You saved me from my sins and that was the most impossible thing ever so you can save me from this mess too.  Give me strength.  Give me your unending strength.  Give me your grace, your mercy, favor and love.  Tonight I need your strength the most God.  Wrap your strong arms around me and be that strength for me.  Amen.