Let There Be Peace

“Let there be peace on earth”…I really enjoy that darn Glad commercial.

Love his voice…love the song…or at least the portion of the song that you hear ha ha.

I really wish more for peace in my family though…how can we have peace on earth when there isn’t peace in your family?

My children’s lives are about to be tore up again with daddy coming and I hope it’s not for nothing.  I’m hope it’s not fruitless.  I feel like they are about to be picked up shaken around and then expected to be plopped right down again and continue living normally.  Why isn’t daddy staying? Why do you talk so much on the phone again? Why are you holding hands? Why isn’t daddy staying?  When is he coming back?  Are you going to be married still?  I can foresee all the questions and it breaks my heart.  I don’t want to mess with my children’s hearts.  I want their life to be easy and simple and carefree and most of all hurt free.  But I’m about to deliver more pain to them and it makes me so stinking sad.

This week with him better decide if it’s going to work or not.  Because if it’s not I can’t bring him back here.  Yes they need their daddy but it’s not possible for him to be part of their every day lives while he’s over there and it will bring so much pain if it’s not going to work and they keep hearing me talk to him on the phone like I do.  Flirting and saying I love you.  If it’s not going to work it just needs to stop so I can help them heal.   But somewhere deep deep down I really do want it to work.  Somewhere deep down I want that man that used to hold the doors for me, who wrapped his arms around me, who I thought was perfect to be my husband and to be my children’s dad.

Let there peace in my family, let there be peace in my family.

Heavenly Father, 

I come before you as your daughter.  I need to ask your forgiveness Daddy for not spending enough time with you.  I’ve failed to read your Word lately, I’ve failed at going to you first, I’ve failed at putting you number one in my life.  I thank you for forgiving me.  I thank you that your forgiveness is endless.  Teach me to forgive like you.  Father, I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m in pain and I feel empty.  Fill me up again with you.  When I’m filled with you I will always be full of hope and joy and peace.  As the visit of husband quickly approaches bring peace to my children.  Let their hearts to be still and soft, but protect them too.  Keep us all safe from any attempts of the enemy.  Keep us safe from lies and deceit and unsafe places.  Give the kids and I wisdom.  Protect my husbands heart.  Give him wisdom and discipline and show him how to be the man of God he’s called to be.  Lord I’ve also been struggling with imagining other men in my life.  Men who seem better.  Men who I see being good dads.  Lord, my relationship is not over with my husband, it is just going to get me in a bad situation please help me fall in love with my husband.  Help me keep my imagination at bay and don’t let me go searching in places I shouldn’t.  I am married until the day I sign a divorce paper and I will be a woman of integrity and faithful forever.  Lord help me.  It’s so hard to not want more.  I love you Daddy.  I know you have my back, please show me that you do.  I’m believing for a miracle and you are the miracle maker.  Show me love in numerous ways.  In your Son’s holy name Amen!

How is This Going to Work?

How is this going to work?

I don’t know.  I really don’t know.

We had a fun day texting.  Then you get home and call me.  You can’t come up with anything to say.  I get tired of asking all the questions and then end up asking ones that bring up bad feelings.

You said your plans were to clean your room and living room and work on your truck…you called and said you were laying on the couch eating cheetos and watching tv and napping…and proceeded to say I’m lazy the living room isn’t that bad…way to go.  Way to step up.

You are missing your children’s lives.  If nothing else motivates you I don’t know what will.  Since when do leases matter to you?  Since when is a lease more important than your children.  Although with our conversation just now, you probably still aren’t a good father.  It may not be worth bringing back a bad father, it may be better without one.

I would sacrifice anything for my children if it was necessary, I would even die.  You clearly won’t.  That’s wrong and there is a problem with that.  Selfish-ness is destroying your chance of seeing their child-hood.  I wish you would suck it up and grow up.

You said you hated being told to grow up and I said I never would tell it to you, but grow up.  Seriously growup.  There are other people in this world that your choices are affecting.  It’s not all about you dude.  It’s really not.

How in the bleepity bleep is this going to work?

My Choice Now

Nearly unattainable expectations aren’t met.

Remembering that you still haven’t chosen me one hundred percent.

Knowing that I will have to grieve by myself.  I am alone in this process.

Happiness is a choice.  Tons of things in life are a choice.  My attitude is one of them.

It’s also my choice to let the things that have happened bother me.  Yeah I have every right to have these feelings, but I also have the right to stop them from letting me function.  I have the right to choose to dwell in those negative feelings or choose positive feelings.  I have the right to choose happiness, quit thinking about the past, quit thinking about what might or might not be.  I have a choice of what I think.  If my mouth starts speaking good things, my head has no choice but to follow.  It’s like an eraser for the negative thoughts that always pop in, but it has to be done regularly.

My husband had a choice and he made his stupid choice.  Now I have to deal with the consequences and have choices to make about how I’m going to deal with them.  I need to choose more positive thoughts, choose to be happy, choose to ignore the stupid thoughts that come.  I can do this.  God inside of me can do it.

Peace

At church peace was preached.  It was so good.  Just what I needed.

The Prince of Peace lives inside of me therefore I have peace all the time.

If I have anger, frustration, anxiety, stress, offense, jealousy, fear then I’m not in peace.

The Prince of Peace lives inside of me, I have peace all the time.

Jesus dealt with a lot of crap.  He had people trying to stone Him, arrest Him, make Him angry, test Him and push every button.  Yet not once did he loose his peace.  He walked away from the people trying to stone him and healed someone.  He wasn’t angry when mobs surrounded and pushed all around Him.  He didn’t lash out when people said things to Him or pushed His buttons.  He had peace.

I then thought God did you suffer as I have suffered?

The answer is yes.  I was betrayed the ultimate betrayal.  He was too.  Judas, Jesus’ friend.  His money-keeper, one of his closest buddies abandoned Him, betrayed Him, sold Him for death.  I was betrayed by my best friend and it felt like I died.

How did Jesus feel?   I really don’t know.  He never lost His peace.  He could have felt angry, upset, anxious, fear, I could imagine there would be great fear for His life and great anger at his friend.  His friend betrayed Him, someone he trusted greatly (he let him hold His money and be in His personal space) sold Jesus out.  He was sold out, abandoned, given up for someone else or something else…money.  I was abandoned for someone else and for the love of money too.  Jesus must have felt the same feelings as me.  Anger and fear and great sorrow.  Yet he reacted differently.  He didn’t lose His peace, He didn’t let it effect the way He lived His life.  He healed one of the men trying to arrest him wrongly.  He forgave Judas.

He forgave Judas.  He forgave the person that hurt him the worst.  He forgave him.

He forgave his disciples for disappointing Him and falling asleep instead of praying.  He forgave Peter when he betrayed Jesus three times.  He denied knowing Jesus and Jesus forgave Him.

Jesus didn’t get depressed.  He didn’t lash out in anger.  He felt the pain.  He cried out to God, gave it to God and moved on.  He did it right.  He had peace through it all.  He never lost His peace and He always walked in peace.

I need this.  If Jesus did it I can too.  “I tell you the truth, anyone, who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater works than these, because I am going to the Father.”  John 14:12

I can have peace through it all.  I can have peace when I have to face the feelings I feel.  When I have to deal with them and sort them out and feel them and not just ignore them because I have to talk to the person who is the source of the feelings.  I can have peace when I do this.  I have peace.  I have peace and give the anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety, depression, sorrow and everything else that’s not peace-ish to God.

He is my Prince of Peace and He lives in me!  I can do this God’s got my back.

Tje

“I’m really trying hard at keeping my word.”

I Don’t Trust You

It’s extremely difficult to trust you.

I have dreams I want to share with you, but I don’t know if I can or ever will.

Your attempts are still going strong but I can’t help but doubt your motive every time you call or text.

I can’t help but not trust you.

The only thing you’ve done to try to earn my trust back is to call every day, but it’s not enough.

You don’t even have things to talk about.  If you can’t think of anything look online and get an idea.  That’s what I did to get an idea for a cheesy text when I didn’t even want to talk to you.

I really don’t know if I can do this.  I know I say this all the time and I will probably say it again.  But it’s true.  I don’t trust you.  Why should I?  I want you hear.  Not there.  I don’t know how long I can do this.  Some days it makes me sick.  It makes me stressed.  My relationship is supposed to make me better not worse.

Life sucks sometimes.

My Way

I suppose it’s what I get for posting my life on the internet for the world to see.

Most comments I receive are encouragement and people saying they are praying for me.  That brings a great big smile to my face.

Some say that I’m being played.  Some meaning two, but two feels like a billion.

But it’s ok.  If one person gets encouraged from this, if one person sees that there is hope, that they aren’t alone, that they aren’t nuts or that forgiveness is possible than it is all worth it.

Those that say I’m being played.  Yeah it hurts, but as my friend just reminded me last night, “I’m a big girl.”

I’m fully aware of the death circle trap thing.  The thing were you just live your life on repeat going through the same crap over and over and over again until you finally somehow escape.  Hopefully I am able to see this (some may think I’m blind), and I could very well be in the circle already and maybe I’m on my way out or maybe I’m on my way around again…but my point is it’s my circle.

If I tell my kids not to do something, they are all the more likely to do it.  “Don’t go to sleep.  You must stay awake”…genius-ness that actually works in my house.  They fall asleep.  “Don’t go in the fridge”…the next thing I know, there is juice, a cheese stick and ten apples out of the fridge.

Being told that I’m stupid, that I’m being played, that it’s pointless…just makes me want to prove them wrong all the more.

But as you are trying to point out…it’s not all me.  If he’s playing me then he’s playing me.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about his heart and his actions.  If he’s not…there is hope.  There is always hope.  It’s a risk I have to decide on.  Right now…it’s something I’m seriously considering.  But that’s my choice.  My consequences if it fails and my reward if it succeeds. Yes my close friends and family and even you may feel some of the good or bad that comes from it, but the brunt of it is on me.

It’s not going to be an easy journey.  It may not get very far.  It will be very long whichever way it turns out.  But it’s my journey. A journey I wish I didn’t have to go on, but I do.  So I’m going to do it my way.  Yes it looks like I’m getting played.  Yes I feel like I’m getting played sometimes, but I seem to always have hope and I always seem to be led by hope, so I’m not going to stop.  I’ll follow that because it is more positive and joyful and …well hopeful!

Just like my kids are going to live life their way when they get older, I may say “be careful” or “I’m not sure that’s wise”…but they are still going to make their own choices and there won’t be anything I can do about it (when they are adults).

My life my way.  Right now I choose hope and forgiveness.   I will always choose forgiveness…I may not always choose the hope in the situation, but for now I do.

Dear Lord, I thank you for this beautiful morning.  I thank you that I got to walk my daughter to her bus stop and hold her the whole time there.  I thank you for always giving me the words to speak. Your words are kind and loving.  You correct me but you always do it with love.  Teach me to speak that way.  I thank you that You gave me choice.  You gave my husband choice and you gave me choice.  Thank you that you let me live my life the way I choose.  I choose to live it for you.  Help me to follow you every where I go and in everything I do.  Lead me to where you want me to be.  Help me to make the choices that you want me to make.  Your ways are good.  Your ways are simply amazing.  I thank you that you can turn what the devil meant for bad into good.  I thank you that you can do that in any situation.  I thank you for your encouragement and love.  You are always there for me.  I love you Father.  Thank you again for this beautiful day and for my beautiful children.   Thank you also that there is always hope, faith and love.  Love will be forever.  Your son died because of love.  I love you God.  Amen.

marriage1

Bees

As I keep saying sometimes I want things to work out and sometimes I want to run away and just end it all.

I always remind my kids that if you don’t bug the bee the bee won’t bug you.

Yet for some reason at one point in their lives they get an irrational fear of the bee that isn’t caused by a sting, but they know that the bee can cause them pain.  Suddenly they start screaming and running away from the bees.

It dawned on me.  When you know something causes you pain you automatically stay away from it or change the way you act around it.  A hot stove, you don’t touch.  A street, you cross safely.  A knife, you use wisely.  A bee…you run away from.

Some things that cause pain, you automatically just run away from.

My relationship causes me intense pain.

Save the Potatoes!

Sometimes I so want to give my all to you again.  I enjoyed being a wife.  I wasn’t perfect but I sure did put 100% of my effort into being a good wife.  I enjoyed texting you every morning.  I enjoyed going to the store and buying you a surprise just because.  I enjoyed leaving you notes.  I enjoyed making your favorite suppers, packing your lunch, going shooting with you, playing frisbee golf, doing the things you liked.  I enjoyed being a wife.   Sometimes I want to give you my all again.

But then I’m reminded of the times you didn’t want to play video games with me, didn’t want me playing frisbee golf with you because the children were impeding on your fun and I couldn’t keep them out of the way or quiet.  I’m reminded of the times my texts were never answered.  The times where hardly ever you initiated the texts or calls.  It was most often me…I don’t really remember you texting me to have a good day.  I remember the fact that you cheated on me and lied about it for who knows how long.  And like today I’m so clearly reminded that to an incredible amount of people “being a stay at home mom is easy and not work.”

It amazes me how many people think this.  “Cook supper for me because you have to bring the kids to dance tonight and you have a doctors appointment today but you aren’t doing anything else.”  That’s right.  I don’t have to clean up ten spills, do the laundry, feed, bathe, get 5 people dressed, wipe tears, do time outs and spankings, clean the kitchen a thousand times, change diapers or anything.  It’s all good lets add your needs too.  But not just this, people post of Facebook about how hard it is to be a mom…people laugh at those jokes but really don’t have any idea how hard it is until they are in those shoes for more than a day.

You husband, are one of those people.  “You need to get a job, you could go to school to be a radiologist”…yes I could and then I have to let someone else raise my kids (not that I’m doing a heck of a great job) and pay all my income to the childcare and then I have to come home and be a mom still.  Or what about the idea of you being able to do just as good as me or better?  For some reason I’m reminded of the time I ran out at 6am before anyone was awake to buy a christmas present for the kids that was on sale…I got back around 7:30 and the first thing I saw when I walk in was our infant rolling around in the garbage from the knocked over garbage can…you were in bed doing I don’t want to know what.

It really pisses me off when people think that being a mom is easy.  We just sit around all day doing nothing.  I am currently typing this in my hour of nap time, using my foot to rock the baby and cooking potatoes on the stove that are about to boil over.  Will you ever be able to give me credit for the work I do?  And you aren’t the only one that has this thinking, but I hate to tell you this…you guys are all wrong.  Being a mom is a never ending job.  If I do get a babysitter it’s to do an errand and for the next 6 months I won’t be alone…ever as I am the one source of food for a child.

All I’m saying is good job to those who work and are mom’s…you are amazing.  But give us some darn credit if we don’t work out of the house.  I can’t imagine what will be said when I say my work is on the computer…psh…get a real job right?

Thank you Lord for patience.  Continue to teach me forgiveness.  I seem to have forgotten how to forgive lately.  Lead me and guide me God, give me wisdom in all areas of my life.  Thank you for helping me provide for my children.  Let me be a blessing to others.  Help me keep my eyes on you God and my focus on you.  Help me to not let my thoughts or focus stray from your love and your grace.  You are all I need.  You have mighty plans for my life.  I have a purpose.  So does my husband.  Thank you for him and thank you for my life.  In Jesus name amen.

Save the potatoes!

Happy Meet-aversary

It’s our Meet-aversary today.

7 years ago this cute guy got off his motorcycle and started talking to me, making lame jokes.

I fell for him.

The next few years brought on a whole bunch of challenges and adventures…

Looking back I wish they were slightly funner adventures, but non the less they were adventures.  But I never thought I would be here seven years into it.

I never thought I would be debating every single day wether it’s worth holding on and seeing if this change of heart is for real or wether just to cut the cord and move on.  I never thought my husband would cheat on me.  That was my greatest fear in our relationship and it became a reality…that’s something to think about right there.  He knew it was my greatest fear too.

I never thought the word divorce would be said in my mind or said in our relationship with a serious tone.  (I said it once before at an inappropriate time).  Divorce is not a word to be messed with and not a word your children need to know.

I never thought that on this day my child would walk into the bathroom while I’m showering and say “mom!  I need glue to stick this envelope so we can send it to dad because we are never going to see him again.”…ouch  I bent over as if I were hit in the gut with that one.

This is not the place I wanted to be.  I wanted to be on fire for God with my husband, I wanted to be raising our children together and on the same page.  I wanted to be in love and I wanted to undoubtedly know that I was loved no matter what happened in our lives.  No matter how much or how little money we had, no matter where we were, who we were with that I would always be his.

That’s not how things worked out.  Life hit me and it hit me hard.  So hard that some days I can’t see a way up.

So I sit here, in my few precious minutes called nap-time thinking still.  Do I want to stick this out and hope to see an 8th meet-aversary?  Is this hope real?  Can things really change?  Am I going to be treated like the woman I deserve to be treated like?  No matter what finances look like, no matter what life looks like?  Am I going to be wholly his or is he going to keep screwing around?

I want to celebrate a 7th anniversary together, he will probably be having drinks at a party with his friends that night…without me.  That saddens me.

I want to reach an 8th meet-aversary and an 8th anniversary.  Can we be a fresh new changed couple or will be in the same darn circle of pain and disrespect?

I want so badly for this meet-aversary to bring on a new life.   Freshness and abundant hope to go with this abundant grace.  There is always hope.  Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  Do I have the faith to see this through to a good ending?

I will hope without soaring too much.  It’s a start.

Eggshells

Acting like it’s over when I want to hope it’s not is harder said than done.

Yet I’m also terrified I’m going to get hurt again as you keep calling.

So much peace comes when I give it to God.

Yet it’s so hard to keep the thoughts of hope away.

But as soon as hope comes so does the mistrust.

What are you doing right now?  Who are you with?  Are you secretly setting me up for the greatest hurt of all?  Are you secretly talking to a lawyer?  Are you playing me?  Or is it all for reals and you actually had a heart change?  You’ve never really pursued me before like you are pursuing me now.  What made the change?  Is it for real or a set-up?

It’s so hard to trust you.  So so hard.

There was a great word spoken at church today.  One thing I got out of it was put the Word first, above books and sermons and friends, and everything else will fall into place.

When those thoughts of mistrust come I need to dwell on them less and give them more to God.  I can do all things through Christ.

I am God’s and whatever else happens, happens.  I trust God.