Begin the Process

I went to the courthouse today.

Left after I got to talk to a lawyer.  He made the process simple and I’m going for full custody and access and support.

I just have to fill out some papers and bring them back to file.

When I left I had the most horrible feeling ever.

He still calls me every day, emails me every day.  As soon as I serve him I will be saying, goodbye to him.

Yes he hurt me, yes I often struggle with hate, but yes I miss the heck out of him.

This sucks so much.

This weekend I will out my paperwork and next week the paperwork will be couriered to a process server.  Next week I will be truly saying goodbye to my husband as I foresee him reacting very negatively.

Struggling with keeping it together right now.

These killer headaches I’ve discovered are from stress.

Breathing and praising Jesus helped today’s ease up.

Jesus can get me through everything.

Hope Rising.

My parent’s watched the kids tonight after I put them to bed so I could go out and get some much needed me time.  I needed to get an answer on a business opportunity but ended up praying in the car and feeling this urge to read this one book I have on forgiveness and continue the healing process.

I ended up at a coffee shot in one of my favorite parts of town and got lost in my own little world reading. It talked about not pushing the memories aside when they come but holding onto it and crying it out, realizing it’s over and crying until it doesn’t sting as much.

It was good stuff.

As I was lost in my own little world I heard someone say “hi name!”

I looked up and saw an old Facebook friend again.  He was on a date with his daughter.  She was five and shook hands.  It was just encouraging to see a gentleman and a good dad all in one package.  Not all men are evil and not all men abandon their children.

Let the healing begin and the hope rise up.  I’m ready for my Saviour to be my man.

Stress

I’m presuming it’s stress.  The stress and wrapping my head around the idea of single-ness again.  The stress of raising four children on my own, the chaos of school and daycare drop offs and working three days a week with swimming and dance in the evenings, errands, appointments.  The pressure of making the decision of moving, finding a home that I can afford on my own, of moving my daughters school, registering 3 for school and getting her into the same school as 5, the pressure of finding childcare for baby, the crunch of getting financially stable to purchase a new vehicle, creating kids church every week, starting custody and access, divorce, budgeting..but mostly moving and school decisions are stressing me out the most…I’m thinking all this pressure has started to cause headaches…sudden ones that come quick and within an hour I have my head in the toilet vomiting from the pain.  It is pretty horrible.

I need to lean on Jesus more.  There are so many things I have to do alone now, no one to share these things with.  I need to rely on Him.  Give them to Him and get into His word more.  That’s the only way I can relieve this stress, that and punch the heavy bag harder!  That is fabulous.  God is my only source of strength and can get rid of these migraines.

Jesus it used to annoy me so much when people would say “Jesus take the wheel” but …Jesus take the wheel!  I need help with my life.  I need help with decisions, with the little things, with the big things, with raising my children, with everything! God help me, provide for me, lead me, guide me and give me wisdom.  Lord give me favor and blessings along the way.  I thank you for blessing me, guiding me, and providing for me.  You know my every need.  I love you Father.  Thank you for never leaving me nor forsaking me.  You are my Rock and my everything.  I love you.  In Jesus name.  amen.

Harder Then Easier

The few days after my anniversary where rather difficult.

I went long into the midnight hours trying to stop my brain from thinking.  From seeing images I didn’t want to imagine, from thinking things I didn’t want to remember.  I would even get up and walk around to try to shake them.  Maybe if I walked around enough they would rattle right out of my head.

I struggled with separating myself from him.  But as time went on it got a little easier.  We haven’t talked on the phone since and my emails have grown cold.  I’ve done it on purpose.  He doesn’t really love me.  Life would have been different if he truly loved me.  If he loved me like he should he would be willing to die if necessary so I can live or for his children too…but I know he would never give himself up for any of us…when it comes down to it that’s love.  That’s the love Jesus showed and that’s ultimately our goal of love for all other people.  If you can’t show it to your own family you sure aren’t going to show it to others.  He doesn’t truly love me.  He doesn’t know the meaning of love.  He doesn’t know what love is.  I tried to show him, but my time of showing him is done.  I cannot keep doing it.  He is still with her, my time of waiting for him is done.

It’s really mind boggling to think that I’m single.  That I’m under no obligation to not flirt with another man if the opportunity arrived.  It’s strange to think that I can check out another mans butt and not feel guilty.  Yes I’m still married but my marriage is over.  He left me, he was unfaithful and still is.  He knows we are getting a divorce.  Yes he continues to say he’s coming, but as far as I’m concerned that’s a load of…well bull.

I went to meet a friend (of the female kind) Saturday night.  We met for coffee then went to dinner (backwards I know), as we were leaving the coffee shop there was a Facebook friend that walked by with his daughter.  We knew each other waaay back in the day when I was…well single.  It’s just weird being single and it’s weird knowing that no one else knows that I’m single.  Well family, three friends and you guys of course, but that’s it.  I’m not about to announce it to the world and I’m not about to be a drama queen and change my marital status on Facebook or even my last name.  As a matter of fact my status update was “I have a crush on a heavy bag, it’s official”  and my father in law said “name is in a relationship!”  I politely messaged him saying I was deleting the comment as I don’t want a bunch of drama and questions.

Yes I worked out…it was freaking amazing!  And yes I envisioned a certain two people and their guts being struck by my boxing glove and yes I am feeling the muscles cramp already…as long as I don’t feel my guts that four months ago were exposed to the world to expel my child from me, I’m happy.

Back to the communication with “him”.  It’s cold.  He tries to call, but I don’t answer.  I mostly right now don’t answer because I don’t want the kids hearing my talk to him, and my family who I work with think I’ve ceased all communication and it’s embarrassing that I can’t quit him quite yet.  But my desire to talk to him is getting less and less.  All I remember is over the summer when he was only able to talk to me at certain times because he couldn’t and wouldn’t when he was with her and had no interest in me…that removes all desire to communicate with him.  As well as all the lies he has told me…yuk.

Longest blog ever. Sorry.  Life has gotten too busy to do it daily now that I’m working three days a week.

It’s strange having some major life decision coming up quickly and “he” doesn’t even know about them or even really care.  Moving, schools, cars, work, goodness.  I can do this.  I’m a big girl.

It’s hard, but it’s getting easier.  I can do this.

Relatively Unscathed

I survived my anniversary relatively unscathed.  To be honest the day after was harder.

He called 5 times the day of our anniversary.  I ignored the call 5 times.

I think the key to my success was not labeling the day “my anniversary”  it was just another day in my books as my marriage is basically no more.

I did end up answering after the 6th call.  We had a good normal person conversation and that was it.

I’m still struggling with detaching myself from him.

I have told him I no longer want to be Mrs. and no longer desire to be his wife as he plays foolish games and we are basically at the point of abuse with all these shenanigans.

Yet we are still able to talk and have fun together…blah.

Anyways, yesterday was a little tougher, the year kinda looks bleak but I got dressed, even wore my one and only necklace and put on the make up, forcing myself to rock out this new year.

It is such a weird thought that I may be going on a date this year with someone who is not my husband.  How weird!! Kinda stressful.  I don’t want to have to deal with that whole dating thing.  I never did it before and don’t really want to do it again…but then again look where that got me.

The past is in the past.  There is nothing I can do about it, no amount of stewing about it will accomplish anything so I might as well let it go and begin the healing process.  No amount of stewing about what is still going on is going to accomplish anything.  No amount of Facebook on pintrest stalking is going to accomplish anything.  The past is in the past and I’m going to move on, no I’m not “going” to…I am moving on.  I am! I am one rocking single hot momma!  ha ha….atleast keep telling myself that.

Gosh.

Gosh.

Yesterday playing at mcdonalds..yes mcdonalds the ultimate kid place 3 comes half crawling half walking off the slide screaming with a trail of blood behind her.  The mcdonalds slide sliced her toe pretty darn good.  Enough to go to the hospital.  They couldn’t stitch it cause of the spot it’s in, but it was bad.

I texted her dad  (my friend suggested if I don’t call him husband it may help so I’m trying it, but it sucks). Thought it may be something he would care to know.  Eventually he called and after asking if she’s ok the very next words were you should sue.  That just made me want to hang up right there and do the total opposite.  Yes of course it came to my mind.  One.  A kid friendly zone should not cut my child.  Two.  They should have a first aid kit and not just two tiny bandaids.  Three.  They really need to clear out the play area and get the blood cleaned up asap instead of letting the little kids feet prints run through the blood and leave it in the restaurant where people are eating food.

But the first thing he told me to do was sue.  Don’t tell me what to do!  You have no right whatsoever to tell me what to do.  And why do you have to hate on every single person you meet?!  He comments to every person that walks in the “out” door at walmart…every single person.  And really all you care about tis money?  What so you don’t feel so obliged to pay child support?

Anyways…My whole afternoon was spent at the hospital.  Yesterday.

Today.  4 kids, 2 hours, 3 nurses, 1 doctor, 1 very small room, 7 immunizations and 1 oral made for 1 exhausted mom.

Tomorrow.  Well, lets just say 7 years ago I married a man.  Last year was a lie.  This year’s anniversary doesn’t even exist.  Trying to push the past behind me and not think about it because thinking about the hurts will not be produce anything but more pain and more hurt.  Looking to the future is only scary. and bleak..so right now I’m looking at the board game I’m going to play with 5 tomorrow.  That will be fun.

Gosh.

God.  My life sucks!!!!!  It’s my anniversary.  The man of my dreams I married.  He’s not the man of my dreams anymore.  He stole my man, he stole my dreams, he stole my joy, he stole my hope.  It’s all gone God…I need you to replenish it Lord.  This next year God looks so freaking scary.  Moving (again), custody, access, divorce, spending money on a car…it looks so bleak God.  You are my prince of peace, you are my provider, you are my all, you are my lover, my friend.  You are my saviour.  You save me.  God save me.  Wash the pain and hurt away.  Erase the painful memories Lord.  Heal my heart.  Heal my daughters toe too.  Heal their hearts.  Be my all, be my everything.  I need you so much God.  Fill me to overflow with you.  Give me rest tonight and peace tomorrow.  Thank you for carrying me through the tough times.  In your sons holy name.  Amen.

Pain go away.

His background picture on his phone was his girlfriend, not his own child.

His debit card and phone unlock code are his girlfriends numbers.

He face timed her in my own home with his kids in the same room.

He spent Christmas with her.  He’s about to spend our anniversary with her.

He still talks about moving here.  He says he can’t get out.

The only thing that drowns the pain is the fact that I am divorcing him.  I can put the pain behind me.  I don’t have to think about him coming because as of right now he isn’t.  He’s not welcome to as long as he is with her, if ever.

I am getting a divorce.  That day in April when I have been here a year I will be doing what I have to get a divorce.

In the meantime I will do what I need to to get custody of the children and do that paperwork.

He doesn’t get that its  over.  He keeps calling.  Yes I talk to him like a fool.  Yes I’m an idiot I know.  I finally called him back and yelled and said we cannot have a relationship, we cannot fix anything, build anything as long as you are with her in any form or fashion.  Our marriage is dead.  I cannot talk to you on the phone for this very reason.  You are with her.

My life sucks right now.  I totally understand rebound dude’s now.  My anniversary is Wednesday.  I’m not looking forward to that.  But life will go on. One day at a time, one moment at a time reminding myself I’m getting a divorce, I don’t have to worry about the past.  The time he took her to Vegas,the place I’ve always wanted to go with him, how he bought her birthday presents and me just a text.  It doesn’t matter.  Something better awaits.

Pain go away.

So Messed Up

I am so behind on writing that I don’t know what to say.

I need to fall out of love with a man that doesn’t love me.  I need to fall out of love with a man that I am going to divorce.  I need to stop talking to him the way I do.  Inappropriately for a man that is cheating on me.  I have become his “dirty little secret”…wrong on so many levels.

A week ago I had sex with a man that I knew I was going to divorce.

I still love the man that is living with another woman.  Something is seriously wrong with me I think.

I’m still talking to him because I don’t want to be alone.  I’m scared to say goodbye.  I’m scared to say I can’t do this anymore.  I don’t want to be Mrs. Name anymore.

Yet at the same time I want to call him all the time.  I want to text him.  I want to FaceTime him.  Then two minutes later I remember he is spending Christmas with another woman and not his own children and I get so pissed.  I wish I could just divorce him then and there.

It’s so easy to get married how come it can’t be that easy to get divorced?  I have to be Mrs. Name for at least 4 more months because I have to live here for a year before I can file.

I’m in such a screwed up situation.  I know he is bad to me.  I know he is probably spewing out lies left and right, but it’s so nice to hear the I love you.  It’s so nice to hear him call two minutes after we talked just to say I love you again.  It’s so nice to hear him say you aren’t an idiot.  It’s so nice to hear him say you’re not stupid your in love and so am I.

But to be quite frank I am an idiot.  He doesn’t love me.  If he did he wouldn’t have cheated on me.  He wouldn’t have lied about continuing to cheat on me and he wouldn’t still be cheating on me.  I’m an idiot and I can’t stop talking to him.

My friend said quitting talking to him is like quitting crack.  She’s right.  Not that I’ve ever had to quit crack…never did drugs…ever…never plan on it.  I tried to quit him for a day.  I went almost 24 hours.  I felt panic, I felt my chest tightening, I felt sick, I felt like my world was crashing down…most of the day I went hour my hour and my friend helped me through.  It felt good to get through it.  I feel like I can do it again more stronger on my own, but I failed at keeping the silence.  I had to see him.  He’s cute what can I say…and that “zing” is there when we look in each others eyes…but it’s all a freaking lie.

I am filing for custody and access after Christmas and then divorce.  He isn’t going to do what it takes to move here.  He is still with her.  He abandoned us.  He doesn’t really love us.  If he did he wouldn’t have left us.

My life is so messed up right now.

So Messed Up

Mole Doctor

Another oober busy day…I mean oober.

I had grocery bags sitting by the front door, supper half made, laundry needing to be flipped and I had just given in to 3 and 5’s arguing and had them settled in front of electronic devices, by the time 5 rolled around son had missed his nap, baby hadn’t slept much because son enjoys squishing her and pulling her “plug” aka soother aka pacifier.  Son suddenly and I mean suddenly started crying uncontrolably and became unconsolable.  I put him to bed and he went to sleep…for 15 minutes then started all over again.

His distress caused baby distress and she started crying.   He didn’t want food, he didn’t need a new diaper, he didn’t want to play, he didn’t want down, he just wanted me to hold him…and he cried and screamed…not a I’m mad cry or an I’m not getting my way cry…a something is wrong, but I don’t know what cry.

Eventually I just sat on the floor beside baby’s bouncy seat rocking him back and forth and patting his back while bouncing her and keeping her plug in her mouth and I joined in his tears.  And to add to this the phone starts to ring with a call from husband.  I knew if I answered then and there in my moment of desperation, the moment I need an “you’re doing great, it’s going to be ok” the chaos would overwhelm husband and he would get frustrated because there is too much going on and he can’t focus, so I choose the lesser of two evils and ignored it…twice.

With the girls oblivious to the three of us in distress we cried.  Eventually son decided he wanted the oatmeal on the table he was staring at and everything became good again!  Such a strange thing, he normally doesn’t have melt downs like that.  And once he stopped life was good again.

Random toddler meltdowns not fun…I would much rather him run around behind me smack me in the back run back around growl at me and make it rain crayons…that was much more enjoyable.

PS our massively ginormous Christmas tree 5 picked is freaking amazing!!  It takes up the whole room its in and is so fluffy it does not require a tree skirt…brings me so much joy.

Today was successful at choosing to be happy, other than my moment of overwhelmed-ness.  It included 3 and I blaring the music in the car and dancing like crazy women.  Watching the kids have so much fun checking out the daycare, racing through the rain with the double stiller loaded with two babies and 3 “skateboarding” a whole block to drop one piece of paper off to someone…not being sarcastic here…we laughed the whole way and got exercise…double duty!  Staring  a good 5 minutes at my cute girlies focus faces as they played on those darn electronic devices and craziest of all…acting happy on the phone with husband which turned into actually happiness.

Fake it till I make it!  It works.  I’ve…disliked him quite a lot this week, but I decided it’s a whatever situation and I might as well enjoy my life and think less about what could be happening, what should be happening, what did happen, what I do or don’t want and just be happy.  I always thought when he had left us that the children alone are a good reason to fight for our love and marriage…I’ve had to remind myself of this a lot this week…to be quite frank I would have been ok with divorce this week…but not anymore…I’m going to be happy no matter what.  And honestly that will probably make me more attractive to him and somewhere in the Bible it says my behavior and lifestyle will change my husband…HA! He has no chance…I’ve got the joy joy joy down in my heart!

So as the random dermatologist or as I call him “mole doctor” told me yesterday (yes I had an appointment on a Sunday…weird I know)…you’ll be ok, it will be ok, and something like…just be “and I’m not talking as a doctor now”…how he randomly asked how many kids I had and what my husband did for a living leading him to find out we are seperated I will never quite know, but God is pretty cool and will use anyone to love on me, including you who read this’ encouraging comments and…it will be ok, just be…even a mole doctor.

P.S.S again…my billions of moles are all benign…woop woop!! Praise God.

Feel Like It’s Over

Today is a day I feel like it’s not going to work.  I feel like it’s failed and I’m getting a divorce, that it’s over.

I feel like I’m on my own and he’s given up on me and chosen something else. We haven’t had a chance to talk in a while and his emails have almost stopped.  That’s the way I feel, i’m not sure what an outside view would look like but it’s what it feels like.

I’m angry at him, upset I can’t ask the questions I want to ask because someone is always in overhearing distance and I had another “nightmare” last night which doesn’t set the day up for success.

I dreamt he chose her again.  I dreamt I asked him where he met her.  He said a strip club.  I dreamt I asked him when and he said last year when I went to visit my parents in the summer.  I dreamt that he was still with her and I said goodbye.  The dreams always make me want to ask if they are true.

So frustrating.  Maybe he will call tonight and we will actually be able to talk…maybe he won’t call at all.  It’s weird feeling like it’s over, like h…………….

And guess who I just got off the phone with?  God’s funny that way.  He met her at apple bees, he hung out with her while he was still with me, he said he never slept with her while we were still together, he said the meals weren’t for her…I really don’t know what to believe.

It sucks.  I wish he never screwed up.  I wish he never dated her, had sex with her or anything.  It hurts and sucks.  I can feel it in my chest again.  It had been a while since I felt it for real.

You flirted with her while you were still with me.  You hit on her.  You suck.

Lord help me forgive him again.  Lord heal all these hurts.  Help us discuss them and heal them.  Lord keep me focused.  Lord I don’t even know if I even want this marriage restored, but I trust you.  I know it could be great, but the work and the hurt feel insurmountable at the moment.  Help me please.  Help me Lord.  I love you Jesus