Come Along

So much has happened.  So much in the past and so much lately and so much today.  Atleast it feels like it.

The past has a lot of CRAP.

Lately has been a lot of learning and hurting and healing and growing.

Today has been revelations and surprises.

During worship I just saw path/road out in the country and it was freshly smooched down and almost in flames as if someone had just blazed a trail on it.   I realized I do want to be in full time ministry, I want to own a business, I want to own my own home and there is nothing going to stop me.  I am going to do it and if he wants to join he can and if not I will leave him in the dust.  There is nothing going to stop me, I’m not waiting around anymore to see what happens with my life, I’m moving forward with or without him.  As of that moment I was done with the waiting, limbo, sitting in confusion, wondering if he was coming or if he should be coming.  I’m going on.  If he wants to tag along or be dragged along cause I’m not going to go slow then he is welcome to join.  If he chooses not to, then so be it.  I’m going on.

It sounds like it shouldn’t be something I’m just realizing but I am.  When hit with such grief and crisis your world stops.  It sits still in utter darkness.  And even before I was waiting for him, following him and it should never have been.  I should have still been moving forward and up with my life.  So it does sound silly to have been sitting still, but now I’m going forward and if I fall, if I still face plant I’m getting up and going full speed ahead again.  He’s not going to make me wait anymore to live my life…actually it was me stopping myself, I’m going forward.  I hope he comes a long but that’s up to him.  It will be hard for him. Logistics usually get the better of him, hard stuff, stuff he has to work for usually gets the better of him.  If he truly loves me and wants to pursue me he’ll get over it and just do it.  I’m not doing it for him anymore.  He’ll have to put everything into it to keep up with me, to get here, to join my team and momentum…otherwise he’s in the dust and God’s got something on my path up ahead that’s even better.

And then for the surprise today.  The old you never kept your word.  You always threw out grand ideas, said impressive things, spoke the right thing to do and say, but never actually did what your mouth spoke.  “I’ll help you get the kids ready”…an hour later after video games you ask what needs to be done and everything is already done.  “I’ll move in a few months to be with you”…yeah you lied.  “I’ll try to come during labor day”…more lies.  You don’t actually try anything, you just say it cause it’s what people want to hear, what the right thing to do is, but as I said it’s never done.

Then you said “I’ll try to visit in December”…then you said, “I’m trying to visit in December, no I’m not going to try I’m coming in December.  I’m going to do what I said I would do.”….then you booked time off work….today I get the email with your flight itinerary.  I can’t freaking believe it.  You did what you said you would do.  You did something that took effort on your behalf.  You had to fill out paperwork, you had to go online and pay for a ticket.  You did it!  Once again this may seem trivial but it really is huge.  You actually booked your ticket.   You are coming.

Those words…I can’t stop staring at those words…you are coming.  I never thought you would.  I was ready for a divorce.  I wanted a divorce.  I wanted out..I wanted out of this loveless relationship.  And then something happened.  As my father in law told me…”I knew you would fix it when you prayed.”   It sure ain’t fixed, but one word was kept.  A very hard task was accomplished for him.  It’s a huge step.  A huge step.  You are coming.

I don’t know how I’m going to react.  Right now I’m ecstatic and I’m also nervous beyond belief.  I have so many negative feelings toward you lately, but am so overwhelmed that you are actually coming.

I don’t know if I’m going to cry, barf, hit you, run to you or run away from you when I see you.  I’ll probably grin like a freak and run to you and then recoil and weep in the car.  Who knows.  That week will have so many emotions.  I need stand my ground, not change the way I act, not change my beliefs, not change my standards.  I need to set them even higher.

Your children are going to see you.  You are going to see your daughter for the first time ever.  Your son is going to put a face to your voice.  He’s going to see his real dada who isn’t actually his papa.  Your princesses are going to get a hug from their daddy.  They are going to get a hug from their daddy.  It’s such a special thing.  Those were taken for granted before.  Don’t take hugs for granted.  Don’t take any time with anyone for granted, you really never know when you won’t have it anymore.  They need their daddy.  Their daddy needs them.

That’s what makes you a man.  When you are responsible for something more important than yourself.  When you have to care for another human being.  When you have to provide for someone more than just financially, but also emotionally, physically and spiritually and mentally.  Provide proper intimacy, guidance, wisdom, and live values.  That’s what makes you grown up.

Man my insides are going crazy.  When I get excited I get excited.  I used to not sleep because of hate and hurt and sadness, now it may because of excitement and nervousness..and of course the nursing and pee breaks and dreams.

I’m also frustrated with your lack of responding to emails.  That’s frustrating.  But as I said earlier, I’m leaving you in the dust.  I’m not chasing you anymore and I’m certainly not waiting for you…that goes no where and in the wrong direction…I’m going forward with God and I’m going fast.  Answer your emails if you want to come along.

Thank you Father for this life. Thank you for my husbands.  Thank you that he took the first step in coming to visit.  Thank you that he did it by himself.  I pray that his visit goes smoothly.  That he shows and proves his love, that I can trust him again, that his heart is changing, that he’s becoming the man of God he’s supposed to be.  I pray that he is able to love on me and his children extravagantly and appropriately.  I pray that you would lead and guide me in terms of intimacy.  That you would heal me in that way.  I pray that you keep me strong and whole while he is here and confidant in who I am and where I am going.  I pray for a joyful time, a productive time in healing and sorting and addressing our issues.  I pray that we are able to accomplish much in our relationship and that we rekindle our love for each other.  I just pray that your hand is on this visit and our relationship for the rest of our lives and that everything goes smoothly and well.  I love you father.  Thank you thank you thank you.  I trust you God.  I trust in you alone.  You always have my back and thank you for showing me you love me.  In Jesus name Amen

Genuine Concern

While texting today it was brought up that you are concerned for me.

I mentioned that I often never felt like I was concerned for.  If I was sick you didn’t care, if I had a hard day…whatever, if I forgot to eat, if I needed a break, if I was struggling…whatever.  And then you go and cheat on me…that’s really a whatever.  Absolutely no concern for me whatsoever.

My favorite time in our relationship was the birth of our son.  I truly felt loved, cherished and cared for.  It’s amazing how wrong things can go in one year.  What the heck happened.

I wish I could make the pain go away.  I really do.  I wish I was like God and could forget what I have forgiven.  How does He not remember my thousands of sins?  How does He move on when I hurt Him?  Abandon Him? Neglect Him?  Am unconcerned for Him?  He does it every day.  He loves me unconditionally and only sees me as amazing.  How do I do that?  How do I not hurt anymore?

I’m really not sure of this answer.  I just will keep going and think on the good things.  The I’m proud of you card I got after the birth of OUR son.

…our son that doesn’t even know who you are.

If you are truly concerned for us you would be here right now.

One step at a time I suppose.

Bodies

Are you aware that my body isn’t like hers?

I’m way more jiggly, my gut is way more disgusting and marked and big, my boobs are smaller.  I’m not as beautiful as her you know?  My body isn’t going to be as nice as hers.

This is hard to deal with.

Will I always compare myself to her? Will you compare me to her?

This feeling of insignificance, nothing-ness, worthlessness sucks.

Peace

At church peace was preached.  It was so good.  Just what I needed.

The Prince of Peace lives inside of me therefore I have peace all the time.

If I have anger, frustration, anxiety, stress, offense, jealousy, fear then I’m not in peace.

The Prince of Peace lives inside of me, I have peace all the time.

Jesus dealt with a lot of crap.  He had people trying to stone Him, arrest Him, make Him angry, test Him and push every button.  Yet not once did he loose his peace.  He walked away from the people trying to stone him and healed someone.  He wasn’t angry when mobs surrounded and pushed all around Him.  He didn’t lash out when people said things to Him or pushed His buttons.  He had peace.

I then thought God did you suffer as I have suffered?

The answer is yes.  I was betrayed the ultimate betrayal.  He was too.  Judas, Jesus’ friend.  His money-keeper, one of his closest buddies abandoned Him, betrayed Him, sold Him for death.  I was betrayed by my best friend and it felt like I died.

How did Jesus feel?   I really don’t know.  He never lost His peace.  He could have felt angry, upset, anxious, fear, I could imagine there would be great fear for His life and great anger at his friend.  His friend betrayed Him, someone he trusted greatly (he let him hold His money and be in His personal space) sold Jesus out.  He was sold out, abandoned, given up for someone else or something else…money.  I was abandoned for someone else and for the love of money too.  Jesus must have felt the same feelings as me.  Anger and fear and great sorrow.  Yet he reacted differently.  He didn’t lose His peace, He didn’t let it effect the way He lived His life.  He healed one of the men trying to arrest him wrongly.  He forgave Judas.

He forgave Judas.  He forgave the person that hurt him the worst.  He forgave him.

He forgave his disciples for disappointing Him and falling asleep instead of praying.  He forgave Peter when he betrayed Jesus three times.  He denied knowing Jesus and Jesus forgave Him.

Jesus didn’t get depressed.  He didn’t lash out in anger.  He felt the pain.  He cried out to God, gave it to God and moved on.  He did it right.  He had peace through it all.  He never lost His peace and He always walked in peace.

I need this.  If Jesus did it I can too.  “I tell you the truth, anyone, who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater works than these, because I am going to the Father.”  John 14:12

I can have peace through it all.  I can have peace when I have to face the feelings I feel.  When I have to deal with them and sort them out and feel them and not just ignore them because I have to talk to the person who is the source of the feelings.  I can have peace when I do this.  I have peace.  I have peace and give the anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety, depression, sorrow and everything else that’s not peace-ish to God.

He is my Prince of Peace and He lives in me!  I can do this God’s got my back.

Tje

“I’m really trying hard at keeping my word.”

Vast Emotions

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again it’s amazing the amount and range of emotions that one can feel.  Even at the exact same moment in time.

Last night after speaking with my husband for a good chunk of time, even while speaking to him panic came.  It always comes at night.  It’s ridiculous.  Even while speaking to him panic still arises.  I’m not sure it will ever end.  I’m not even sure that we will make it.  It would be so much easier to get to know him again if we lived in the same area, yet I don’t want him here in case he hasn’t changed or stops changing and then it will make it even harder to say no to him.  But then I can’t really see it working with so much distance for such a long time.  I really can’t.

Night is horrible not only for the battle of giving it to God and forgetting about the feelings, but also because all this thinking makes sleep very hard to attain.  And then when I do attain it, one child or another wakes up every so often and the brief stretch of every child sleeping at once has ended.

As I lie there in the dark listening to the newborn snore I think man who knew that one person could such a variety of feelings at the exact same time.  I feel anger and anxiety/anxiousness, but really the anger stems from sadness.  I also feel jealousy, sorrow, disgust, helpless and uneasy.  Who knew that at one time we could feel 8 feelings or more at once single moment.  I didn’t know this.  But now I do.  It’s kind of good to be able to describe it and understand it so I can get over it and give it to God.

Heavenly Father,

I thank you for this new day.  I thank you for my adorable children and the hilarious things they say.  Remind me to enjoy more of these moments.  I thank you for my life.  I thank you for the ability to be a blessing to others.  Thank you for giving me purpose and vision and dreams.  Thank you lord for peace and joy in both my life, my kids and my husbands life.  Thank you Lord for taking hold of all the things I give you and thank you for never letting go of me.  Thank you for my husband and where he is today.  Thank you for a future with you and for your endless love.  In Jesus name amen.

Life Goes On

It’s ridiculous the thoughts that can flash through my mind in any given second.

“I wonder what his reply is going to be”

“He’s going to answer soon, probably just pooping.”

“He must be with her again.”

“He’s not going to answer”

“He’s leaving me.”

“Let it go, let it go.  You can’t make him choose you.  There is nothing you can do. Let it go.”

Seriously this is in the span of about five minutes or less.

One minute seems like an eternity when it comes to him.

And then I wake up in the morning with emails.  His phone wasn’t working yet he kept his word and emailed me goodnight as well as multiple other times telling me he loves me and he’s sorry.

Life goes on.  I can’t keep him, I can’t make him text me.  I can’t make him come.  I can’t make him support us.  I can’t make him do anything.  I have to give it to God.  God seems to be doing a good job of taking care of, I just have to remember that and give my worries to God.

Thinking about any of it isn’t going to do an ounce of good. Life goes on.  What happens happens.

Joy

I’m so thankful that joy really does come in the morning.

Sometimes it gets so dark, I just want out, I want away, I want a divorce.  I detests looking at pictures of you.  I hate you.  I hate you for what you have done to me.  I hate her.  I hate myself for getting here and not getting out.

And then I call Jesus and peace comes.  The morning comes and everything is ok.  I have peace again.  I have joy.  I have purpose.  I’m ok.  I love you, I hope, I dream, I’m going to survive and it’s going to be ok.  I smile again.  Joy comes again.

It’s exhausting emotionally.  Someday this will end.  Someday there will be more joy and hope than doubt and fear and darkness.

Joy comes in the morning.

I told you last night I prayed for you.  You said you prayed in tongues.  Hello.  That’s good news!  That’s a little bit of light in darkness.

God is faithful.  His promises are true.  Joy comes in the morning.  He is my prince of peace.  He is strong and almighty.  He is my lover.  There is nothing that is going to get in between us again.  He is my all.

Nights Suck

Nights are the toughest.

They are the times that I want to give up.  Where I don’t think I can do this anymore.  When I want a divorce.

What are you doing?  Why aren’t you texting me?  Why haven’t you texted to say goodnight like you said you would.  I doubt you.  I don’t believe you.  I have no faith in you.  I want to quit.  My heart doubts, it feels sick, like something is wrong.

Maybe it’s the coffee talking or maybe my heart knows something that my head doesn’t want to hear.

I was looking through pictures on my phone.  I found one with three of our children squished side by side on our bed all looking in the same direction and your hand at the far end of them.  It had a controller in it.  They were all three watching you play a game.  That was our family time.  Disgusting.

Is my heart telling me something that I should be listening to?  or are you really just out and your phone is dead like something else on the inside of me is saying.

The pressure is lifting even as I write this.  Maybe I just had to get it out.

Nights are so dark.  More thank just physically.  It’s like a darkness engulfs me.  Some nights are worse than others.  Sometimes I feel so swallowed in it that I can’t get out.  I even forget about Jesus.  Jesus the name above all names.  The One who can lift me out.  The only One who can save me.  The Only one.  My husband can’t.  Jesus can.

Sometimes I can’t even seem to grasp Jesus at night, when everything around me darkens, my heart tightens and gets gripped by fear.  It sucks and it’s hard.

And then nights like tonight my son cries.  I get up and move and hug the small being.  And I listen to him breathe.  I listen to my daughter breath in the bed next to us and I remember Jesus.  I whisper it over and over.  I’m reminded of life.  The little lives I’m living for.  That their lives are so bright.  That yes maybe that picture I saw may be the last they saw of their father or maybe it won’t be.  But their lives, feeling my son breathe in my arms, it clears away the darkness, my fears.  It doesn’t matter what happens to me as much as it does my reactions that effect their lives.  Their lives are more important than mine and God’s life is a hundred times more important.  My mission in life is to bring God’s love to this world and part of that mission is multiplying HIs love through my children.  I have a purpose and it’s not this marriage.  It’s living in God’s love.  The marriage may be part of His plan, but right now I need to stay focused on me and His love and my kids so that I can survive and be in more than tattered pieces in the end.

When I got back from putting my son back to sleep, I had a text.  Sometimes a few minutes in text-land feels like an eternity.

God is faithful.  Calling the name of Jesus changes things.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Jesus Your name is above all names.  Your name is higher.  Your name is greater.  Your name is the best name around.  I love your name and I love you and who you are.  You are amazing and awesome.  You are my protector, my redeemer, my savior and my Lord.  You are my King, my friend, my lover, my prince of peace, my provider and even my prince charming.  Prince Charming in my daughter princess monopoly caused me bankruptcy twice today, You will never leave me bankrupt, spiritually, emotionally, mentally or physically.  Instead of taking away my ten bucks, you always give.  You are a giver.  Make me a giver like You are.  Make me a giver.  Let me be a blessing to others.  I am blessed to be a blessing.  Let my life and my story bless others.  Let it show people Your great and mighty love.  Be with my husband.  Speak to him.  Teach him.  Love on him.  Show him your love in great and mighty ways.  Show him your love so that he’s got so much of it he can’t contain it.  Teach him to love me.  Teach me to love him.  Continue to teach me to forgive.  I forgive him.  I forgive him for everything he ever did and for everything he’s ever going to do.  No human is perfect.  Only you are God.  I love you Father.  Thank you for my husband.  Yes I thank you for him.  Keep him safe and bless him and show him your love.  Thank you for my precious children as well.  In Jesus name Amen.

Jesus Jesus Jesus

Nights will not suck forever.

Who Is This Person?

The kids and I went out of town for thanksgiving.

It’s different doing it on my own with four, knowing there is a possibility that I may never do it with my husband again.

In other news, you still haven’t given up.  I’m quite quite surprised by this.  Shocked.  Amazed.  I’m not sure the exact word, but I truly didn’t expect you to keep going this far.  I’m impressed.  You still call daily, reply to most all my texts, tell me you love me, even sent me a picture.

You looked rough.  Very rough.  Homeless-esque.  Messy unkept hair, crazy beard and tired eyes…to be honest you can keep that look until you get here…keep the ladies away.  Hopefully most ladies don’t throw themselves at homeless people.  As I observed your messy overgrown hair on the top of your head and then your exhausted looking eyes and your unkept wild beard I saw your neck.   Sigh.  There is no hiding the fact that it is attached to something big and strong.  If a neck could be defined yours would be.  Is it possible to have a crush on a neck?  Can you put a turtle neck on please?

I really struggle at night.  What are you doing?  Who are you doing it with?  Why haven’t you answered my text that I sent…two minutes ago…  You actually didn’t get mad at me this morning when I brought up my concern and fear.  You said, “why should I get mad, it’s my fault.”  Normally you reaction would be anger and offense and redirecting the blame to me.  Who is this person that takes responsibility, and actually acts like they care what I’m feeling?  Who is this person?

You also haven’t said “shit” on the phone in a long time.  It may seem insignificant but I see it as a reflection of your heart.  The Bible says “out of the abundance of the heart your mouth speaks”…if you have filth in your heart, it’s going to come out.  Yeah there are worse words to say, but you know where I stand on those kinds of words, I see no point, if you wouldn’t say that around your kid, why say it at all?  But you haven’t said it lately.  Maybe your heart is changing?  That’s what needs to change first.  You can’t make any changes permanently unless it first comes from the heart.

I feel as if the move is a daunting task to you.  I’m not one hundred percent sure what you are waiting for, but I’ll let you wait.  I have come to learn a few months ago, that I can’t make you do anything.  I can’t make you love me, I can’t make you take responsibility, I can’t make you move.  Yes if you love me, you would have done it by now.  If you love me you would have not cheated on me, but we all make choices and we all make mistakes.  You’ll do it in your time.  I understand that.  To be frank I’m not sure I’m ready for you to be here.  Yes my heart hurts sometimes.  Wishes we could be together, wishes we could work our problems out face to face.  But then some of me wonders if we were together would we revert back to our old ways and not work anything out?  Would I shut down and shut up?  Would you overpower?  I don’t know.  I also know that I’m not ready.  To be honest, I don’t really want you here yet.  I like being able to “find myself,” oh how I hate that, but it’s real.  I also like being able to slowly work out our issues on our own pace.  You aren’t here, I’m not really afraid to speak my mind, cause you are already gone.  There isn’t any more damage that can be done if I irk you the wrong way.

But when I purposely try to irk you lately…it isn’t working.  You were once confused and screwed our life up.  I’m confused now.   You buttons seem to be less.  Your attention to me seems to be more than it’s ever been.   Our issues are real, they are big, they are scary big at times.  As I told you when you first left me, working out our issues is pointless unless you love me.  If you don’t love me it’s pointless to talk about the other issues.  But now you act like you love me.  My heart is going to take forever to heal, but you took the first step…that’s scary, I was ok with you not, I was ok with divorce, I was ok with the choices you made, I was ok with you not choosing me, but God.

God came in, those ten thousand people must have said ten thousand words and you must have heard something.  You are fixing the one biggest issue to start the healing process.  You have chosen love.  It’s baffling.  It makes me want to weep.   What do I do with this?  You want our marriage to last.  How do I react?  You want to be there for our children, “not just physically but on our A game”…as you said, since when?  Who are you?  Whoever it is I may like them.

Will we overcome the daunting mountain of an issue called finances?  Will we cross it in one piece?  I didn’t think our marriage was going to make it, but it might.  As I said to my amazing friend who has been my biggest supporter, “there may be hope”…she reminded me if there is that we may be witnessing a humongous miracle.

If someone’s heart as stubborn and rough and prideful as my husbands can be changed and our marriage has hope for restoration and if He is becoming the man of God my family needs…that is a miracle.  The Miracle Maker is able.  God is a miracle maker and He loves me.

Who is this person that keeps texting me?  No things aren’t perfect, they will never be, but they are better than before.  I am being pursued, how can that be bad?  It may cause for another fall, but it’s also the direction of success.  It takes one step at a time to get up the mountain.  I gave up.  I was done trying to climb the mountain and then you seemed to take over.  You seemed to take over on the climbing and to be honest you started carrying me up.  I often feel like I’m just lying lifeless, flopping around cause I don’t want to put much of me into this relationship or into this mountain of a healed marriage.  But you started to walk up it and you started to drag me along.  How can I not follow if you are the one pursuing me?  Who knows what will happen at the top.  If you will continue to pursue me when you have me in your arms again.  Who knows if we will get that far, but I like it.  I like not having to do all the work.  I like being carried, i like being able to rest my emotions for moments at a time. I like it.  And I may like this person carrying me.  I may just like them.  God is able.

Grace.

Last night he disappeared again.

That was hard.  I flipped via text.  It’s hard to flip via text sometimes.  But for me it’s even harder to do on the phone.  I seem to not be able to get my words out verbally.  It’s a very difficult thing for me.  Probably why communication is an issue in our relationship.

I probably could have handled it differently.  But you got the point.  Don’t disappear. Period.  At this point in our relationship it’s a detriment if I can’t talk to you whenever I want.  It’s security.  Safety.  Re-asurance.

Some people…most people think I’m a complete idiot.  But as this blog is titled, abundant grace.  I live in it, seek it, embrace it. I refuse to live in anything but grace.

Grace is defined as elegance and also God’s favor, blessings coming my way left and right.

I will walk in this situation with as much grace as I can.  Sometimes I fail, but I will pick my self up and start walking in it again.

I will live my life with abundant grace.  And right now I need it to forgive you.  To live in the hope that this could work out.  To think the best of you when my whole world doesn’t think so highly of you.  I may be the only person other than God who believes in you right now.  I will not abandon you.  If I need to separate myself I will, but at the moment you asked for hope, so I will give it to you.  Our children are safe at the moment, so I will give a little of me in hopes that that little bit of me will be what you need to be the man of God you can be.

Abundant grace.  I choose to live in abundant grace.  God’s got my back.  His blessings follow me everywhere I go.  I have His favor.  He loves me.  I’m so thankful for Him.  I’m so thankful for His blessings.  I’m so thankful He takes care of me.  I love my God!