Prince Charming

I dreamt of having a husband since I was a little girl.

I used to have a Minnie Mouse diary with one of those cute little keys from when I was about ten years old.  I wrote about the boys I liked and wondered if they were my husband.  I was ten for goodness sake.  I have countless journals of prayers and things I had been learning in the Bible.  Most of the prayer included somewhere, “Thank you for my husband, thank you for bringing him to me, thank you for keeping him for me”…or something to that effect.

When I was 16 I started a journal written specifically to my husband.  It talked about how I prayed for him, how I was thankful for him, excited to meet him, couldn’t wait to live my life with him, the things I wanted to do with him and other hopes and dreams.

I had a scrapbook of my dream wedding.  Dresses, ideas…mostly dresses.  For the day I would dress up and be a princess and marry my prince charming.

I would spend hours on the floor praying and pouring out my heart to God.  I would ask why it was taking so long.  I would beg him to send me someone.  I had visions and God spoke to me about being patient.

One night as I was laying on my face I saw a park.  It was a beautiful field of grass with a few trees off in the distance and one near by me.  There was a bench under the tree.  I don’t remember everything but I do remember seeing a silhouette on the other end of the field.  He walked up towards me and said something like “I’m waiting for you.”  He sat down behind me and we rested back to back.

Weird I know.  But it kept me going.  Being patient.

I think God was keeping me safe my whole teenage hood and my awkwardness and weirdness were probably helping keep the boys away.  When I got to be 16 the anticipated year of when I would be allowed to date…it came and went with no prospects..or even asking of me.  The whole year went.  As did most of my 17th year.  I waited, trying to be patient, immersing myself in God.  One night I cried out to God..”What’s wrong with me?! Why does no one like me?!”

The very next day while chatting on ICQ…remember ICQ?  The coolest thing around, you could talk to anyone who  was on their computer without having to actually be on the phone or in the same place.  Reply whenever you wanted, ignore or anything…kinda like text!  Anyways I was chatting on ICQ with…a boy…I actually talked to lots of boys on ICQ and msn or whatever the other version was, but I suppose my awkward weirdness got in the way.

I was finally asked…”Do you want to hang out?”

AHA! Champion!  The moment finally arrived!  I was going on a date!  Actually he asked me to go over to his house  where he and his friends were playing video games.  My anti-social and warning alarms went off that that was a bad idea, but a few evenings later he picked me up in his momma’s car.

It was actually one of the funnest dates I had been on.  We went mini-golfing, ate at Montanas and then got some ice cream and went for a walk.  He attempted to tickle me…I failed at that one.  And he returned me home before dark…disappointed.  I proceeded to dive out of the car when he commenced at rubbing my hair (like you do a child)…I was totally turned off by that and ran inside.  Slammed the door shut and did the typical girl thing of leaning against the door.  I was enchanted by just the fact that a boy dated me.  I jabbered on about it to my friends.  Tried to continue to talk to him on ICQ, but after a “we should do that again” I never heard back from him again.

It was not much heart break but it was enough to renew my convictions of waiting for the right guy.  It gave me hope that I am not a weird, nothing is wrong with me I was just waiting for the right guy.

I waited for my prince charming.

My grandma would write me encouraging notes as I went to her house every weekend.  “Your prince charming is coming.”  I will never forget that.  She believed in me.  To be honest she still does.  She has no idea of the turmoil my life is in right now.  She was one of the ones rooting me on.

I knew he would come when he would come and I believed I would know when it was time.

Well as described in one of my first blogs I met him.  I met my prince charming.  The one who made me laugh, prayed with me, held the door for me and didn’t make fun of my dorkiness.

My prince charming…was hard to live with at times.  Disappointed me at times.

My prince charming failed me.  He lost the spot of my prince charming.  Prince charming is not supposed to lie, abandon, betray or cheat on me.

Prince Charming is a gentleman, Godly, respectful and loves unconditionally.

Mine failed.  The repercussions are huge.  The princesses that prince charming found does not feel like a princesses.  Not loved, not cherished, not beautiful, not worthy, not clean.

Expectations are too high sometimes and most often failed.

Thoughts are not what a princess should think about.  They are dark.  They are scary.  They are disgusting.  They are anything but lovely.  It is a daily, often moment by moment battle to keep the lovely things in mind.  It’s a constant battle to rejoice, to find joy, to be happy.  It’s a battle to swat away the worry and expectations that are not met.  I want to shut everyone out.  I want to cry and sleep the day away until the pain and images that come to my head are gone.  I want to go back to the days were I was just an innocent dork waiting for my prince charming to come.

Lord give me new visions and new hope.  New dreams and renew my passion for the days.  Take away the darkness.  Take away the sadness please.  Joy comes in the morning…make it morning.  Help me Lord fall in love with you again.

It’s the End of the World

My three year old crawled into bed this morning with me at 5:30am, “mommy I want to cuddle your hair”…she has a strange creepy obsession with hair.  Kind of like the creepy dark haired guy in the movie Charlies Angels that goes and cuts off a chunk of peoples hair and then sniffs it in pleasure.  Weird.

Then at 6am my 1 year old starts screaming at the top of his lungs and my 5 year old ends up getting up with him, taking him out of his bed, leaves him and I find her on the potty.

All while my 2 month old is nursing.  Needless to say she was cut-off early and she didn’t like it.

Meanwhile my brain is reeling from why in the world did you not say goodnight.  Why does your phone go straight to voicemail. I’m trying very hard to let it slip right off of me and think the best of you.  It’s easy at first, but as time slips away it gets harder and harder to not think about it and stay positive.

Regardless of the reason there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  I even told you directly last night on the phone that I need you to keep telling me you love me even if it seems redundant.  That obviously didn’t get through to you.

It’s also so hard to keep my thoughts from drifting to what you had done.  It’s hard not to picture you with another woman.  When I think about kissing you, she pops into picture with you.  When I think about possibly wanting sex you and her together come into mind.  It’s horrible.  Makes me feel disgusting and brings the darkness and sadness in.

It’s going to be an interesting day today.  I refuse to let the darkness in and stay.  This is the day that the Lord has made…I WILL REJOICE!

Building a House Called Me

My dearest husband,

I gave you an article to read about people with ADD/ADHD and I asked you if it was you or if it was true.  You said it was you to a T.   I really don’t know where to go from there.  I don’t understand it and to be honest I feel as if it’s just excuses.  This is something I need to learn more about.

You need to look at me as a building.  I’ve been absolutely destroyed.  The building is in pieces.  You said you wanted to continue to be married to me and be with me.  In saying that you are choosing to be with this building and it’s not right for you to be with this destroyed building and not fix it.

You can’t just start building again and then drop the process. The wind and the weather is going to destroy all the progress you have made.  Whatever you built is going to be torn apart again if you stop working on it.

It’s going to take many years to build the building totally back up.  You said you were going to do it.  So why do you stop?

The article I sent you said that you have a hard time starting a challenge…you seemed to have started it.  Then it said you have a difficulty staying on task…I can see that, but at the same time it also said when you dive into something you dive into it head on and it’s hard to stop a task once you’ve started…which one is it?  Those two statements are contradictory.

Why have you stopped telling me multiple times a day that you love me?  Why have you stopped calling me baby and beautiful and wife and other sweet things?  That you are proud of me.   Why have you stopped texting me goodnight? Those are the things that really build me up.  They really build this house back up.  But the past few days you have stopped.  I’m testing the grounds of trust and it’s failing. You said you would text me goodnight every night, you haven’t the past two nights.   And I feel myself being torn back down again, being ripped apart by the weather of emotions and thoughts and memories and the crap swirling by me.

Can we fix this?  Can we fix our problems?  Are you really willing to put your all into me, into this marriage, into our lives?  I know the man you can be and it’s amazing.  I know the marriage we could have and it’s dreamy.  I know the family we can have  and it’s out of this world.  But it’s going to take some serious dedication and hard work and not giving up to do it.  Not letting our standards slide.  If you are building a house, do you just stop and take a month long break?  I’m pretty sure you keep building until it’s complete and strong and can stand on it’s own.

Heavenly Father,

I love you.  I love you with all my being.  Draw me closer to you and help me become more intimate with you.  Teach me to be a Godly parent.  A loving parent.  Teach me to be a Godly wife.  A wife that follows God and is truly a treasure worth more than any amount of jewels or money.  Help me understand my husband.  Help me to help him.  Help me to be patient and kind.  I thank you for his apology.  I thank you for his wanting to be better.  Help him truly get there.  Guide him, give him wisdom and gosh darn it just fix him.  Can I ask that?  I know it’s not all him, but I feel like we are constantly taking one step forward and then one back and not getting anywhere.  It’s frustrating.  Lord take our lives into your hands and mold them and move them and love on them.  Be with him.  Keep him safe and calm and set his mind at ease.  Heal his mind.  Heal his heart.  Lord thank you for never leaving me.  Thank you for always leading me and guiding me. Teach me all I need to know Lord.  Help me grow in love.  I love you God so so so stinking much.  You are amazing and wonderful and truly worthy of all my praise.  All my praise goes to you. In Jesus name amen.  

My Choice Now

Nearly unattainable expectations aren’t met.

Remembering that you still haven’t chosen me one hundred percent.

Knowing that I will have to grieve by myself.  I am alone in this process.

Happiness is a choice.  Tons of things in life are a choice.  My attitude is one of them.

It’s also my choice to let the things that have happened bother me.  Yeah I have every right to have these feelings, but I also have the right to stop them from letting me function.  I have the right to choose to dwell in those negative feelings or choose positive feelings.  I have the right to choose happiness, quit thinking about the past, quit thinking about what might or might not be.  I have a choice of what I think.  If my mouth starts speaking good things, my head has no choice but to follow.  It’s like an eraser for the negative thoughts that always pop in, but it has to be done regularly.

My husband had a choice and he made his stupid choice.  Now I have to deal with the consequences and have choices to make about how I’m going to deal with them.  I need to choose more positive thoughts, choose to be happy, choose to ignore the stupid thoughts that come.  I can do this.  God inside of me can do it.

Expectations

Expectations suck.

But aren’t expectations the same as hope?

Expectations that you will talk more than me.  Expectations that I will hear from you.  That something will increase in communication.  That you will initiate more.  That something will be different.  Than you will ask more about how I am.  That you will tell me more that you love me instead of less.  That you will improve more instead of seem to be sliding again.

This sucks.

You cursed over the phone again.

Are we going around the cycle again?

If we are I may need to seriously consider cutting it off again.  How do I really know?

You need to run.  Run from the place you are in, but you won’t.  That leaves us….now where, that really does lead us no where. We are here, and this is no where.  Expectations are useless.  Hope is useless.  It’s all useless while you are still there.  This is stupid and frustrating and agonizing.

Dreaming

Dreaming about what could be while trying to say in the what is.

Trying to keep three children at the table while getting everyone seconds and drinks and keeping a baby from crying.  Cleaning up the spilled milk, smelling the poopy diaper, washing the dishes and trying to have a legit conversation with my daughters.  Trying to wash hands and faces before they all escape and reminding them to scrape their plates.  Eating their leftovers that don’t actually get scraped…my supper was delicious. (note sarcasm, second hand food isn’t my number one choice).

Doing all this while dreaming of doing this my husband.  Cooking the meal for him.  Then we could tidy up together, put the kids to bed together then curl up, chat and watch some tv together.  You even suggested some hot chocolate…together.  oh the dreams.  It’s weird dreaming with you.  But will it ever actually happen?  Will you ever show up?  If you do will you actually help out?

I’ll never know unless you come here to test it out.

Needless to say, doing this parenting thing alone is hard, but I will enjoy as many moments with these short people because they are simply amazing and worth the world to me.  Maybe one day they will mean the world to their daddy too.

Let It Go – Seriously

I made a list today of things I’m learning.

The one thing I’ve really been learning is letting it go.

Thinking about what he’s doing.  Thinking about what he’s done.  Thinking about the past.  It’s going to do absolutely nothing positive for me.

Thinking about what I would do if he showed up.  Thinking about how much I hate that he hasn’t shown up and what that really means…isn’t going to do diddly squat for me.

Thinking about how hurt, sad, desperate, alone or pained I am is going to accomplish nothing.

The biggest battle right now…wondering what he’s doing constantly, thinking of things that I want to tell him, things I want to talk to him about, things I want to do to fix stuff…at this moment it’s going to do nothing to improve things.

I want to so badly text him constantly, talk to him constantly, beg him to come “home”, talk to him about what needs to be changed, fix things…but I can’t.  That is going to do nothing.  I cannot help him.  Getting in his space is going just irritate him.  I need to let him go.  If he screws up again, then he screws up again.  I can’t stop it.  If he leaves me again, then he leaves me again.  I can’t stop it.  If he doesn’t text me as often as I would like, I can’t make him.  If he doesn’t call me as often as I would like, talk to his children often enough, send emails, written letters, finances…I can’t make him.

There is absolutely nothing I can do to change him.  It’s a process he has to go through himself.  He has to learn and do it for himself.  Hopefully through my backing off he’ll want me more.  Hopefully through my deliberate choice of words he’ll want me more.  But if he doesn’t there is nothing I can do about it.  Thinking about it isn’t going to help either.  If he lets me down, doesn’t meet my expectations, doesn’t make me feel loved enough, says goodnight too early, doesn’t say good morning, fails me…there is nothing that I can do.  No amount of thinking, worrying or being anxious about it is going to change it.

It’s his choices.  His life right now.  Yes it effects his whole family, but they are all his choices.  What he does is his decision.  I can only follow God and obey Him and leave it to Him.  No matter how much he hurts me, fails me, and doesn’t ever show up I have to let it go and let God.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to change my husband.  I must leave it in God’s hands.  Sometimes it is very difficult to do this.  To shut off the brain, to not give up, to find peace, to just trust and be still.

God’s got my back, He always has and He always will.  God is for me and not against me.  People may fail, but He won’t.  He doesn’t even know how to fail me.  He is my number one lover and my number one friend.  No man can take His place.  No man.  He knows what I need and when I need it.  He is my provider.  He can hold all my worries and all my troubles for me.  He always carries my baggage for me and He even carries me.  He holds my hand, He holds me, He hugs me, He kisses my cheek.  He calls me daughter.  He is my all in all.  No other can compare and no other can take His place.  No other can take His place.  That’s quite the concept.  No other can take God’s place in my life.  The spot is way too big to fill.  My heart is safest in His hands so I’ll just keep it there.

Let it go to God.  Shut up brain.