They Are Worth It

I finally got it out of you.  What was bothering you.  It only took me two days.

I finally got fed up with the one word answers and the phone conversations where you weren’t paying any attention to me.  I called you and asked what was wrong.  You said nothing.  I asked why you were upset.  You said nothing was upsetting you.  I asked again.  Finally you said that my whole family hated you and can you move here and live with that?

To me I heard it as if you were debating wether the children and I were worth pain.  This realization brought doubt to your head if you really wanted this.

I said this and then said “are your children not worth everything?”

You said they were, you knew.

I said it.  I said I don’t think you really do (think that they are worth everything).

You then went into the whole I suck, I’m a horrible person ya da ya da ya da.

I hate when you do that.

I don’t know if you are trying to make me feel guilty or if you truly think that, but its so frustrating.  You couldn’t stay and talk it through.  You were done.  Kept trying to hang up.  I can’t decide if it’s serious ADD or bipolar or depression.  You go from such highs to such lows and when you are low wether it’s my fault or not you block me out, change the way you treat me, stop showing me love.

You go for a few days or even weeks doing really well and then you shut down.

Your children are worth everything.  They are worth leaving everything, leaving your job so you can be there.  They are worth breaking your lease and commitments.  They are worth it.  I’m really not sure you understand or believe that.  If you truly did you would act on it.

You need to face this straight on.   Deal with the problems.  Talk through them, face them.  I want this to work.  I want someone to love and who loves me no matter what.  Right now you don’t love me unconditionally.  You love me on condition of me and on condition of my family.

I forgave you for the greatest betrayal of all and I’m still treated like crap..now for things I didn’t even do.  You had better figure this out quick and fix it fast.

My Choice Now

Nearly unattainable expectations aren’t met.

Remembering that you still haven’t chosen me one hundred percent.

Knowing that I will have to grieve by myself.  I am alone in this process.

Happiness is a choice.  Tons of things in life are a choice.  My attitude is one of them.

It’s also my choice to let the things that have happened bother me.  Yeah I have every right to have these feelings, but I also have the right to stop them from letting me function.  I have the right to choose to dwell in those negative feelings or choose positive feelings.  I have the right to choose happiness, quit thinking about the past, quit thinking about what might or might not be.  I have a choice of what I think.  If my mouth starts speaking good things, my head has no choice but to follow.  It’s like an eraser for the negative thoughts that always pop in, but it has to be done regularly.

My husband had a choice and he made his stupid choice.  Now I have to deal with the consequences and have choices to make about how I’m going to deal with them.  I need to choose more positive thoughts, choose to be happy, choose to ignore the stupid thoughts that come.  I can do this.  God inside of me can do it.

Dark

I’m so tired.

Life is exhausting.  Trying to find work, trying to do things single moms have to do, dealing with the emotions of my husband, why hasn’t he come here yet, will this actually work?  Knowing that I will be up tonight thinking, nursing and taking people to the potty is exhausting in itself.

It’s still hard to believe that you actually care.  You actually care that I got some sleep last night.  It’s kind of nice.

I think sometimes emotions are more exhausting than the physical day of chasing mini-me’s.

Somedays are just so dark.  Waking up the other day realizing my body will never compare to her is horrible.  The days when I can’t stop thinking about the crap you did.  The sex you had with her.  The lies you told me.  It’s hard.  Thinking about you holding me, our conversations, doing life together…is now exhausting, will it actually happen?

One moment life is good, the next it’s midnight and dark and scary and I can’t escape.

It feels like postpartum.  Whatever it is it’s freaking dark.  It’s depressing.  It’s hard to get out of.  It’s hard to be cheerful when talking to you.  It’s hard not to hurt you with my words.  It’s hard to walk in love.

I can do all things with Jesus.

Scream

You called this morning,

I was having troubles finding a happy place to be when you called.

I didn’t tell you anything, but honestly I’m really struggling with not having you all to myself here.  I’m really struggling with the fact that you layed me aside, but now you can’t lay down everything for me.  It’s just a job…you haven’t kept a job for more than a year since I’ve met you, except to be youth pastors in which I did most of it.  Why must you keep this job now?  You’ve broken leases, why must you keep it now?

Yup I could very well be played, not sure what the benefit of leading me on is, but I am fully aware that you may be up to  something.

I want you all to myself.  I want to work on this where I can see you.  I want the physical aspect of love.  The touch, the hand holding, the stroke of my cheek, the extra hugs that I need lately.

I want my own home.  I want your help choosing a vehicle.  I want to tell you so many things, that I just can’t right now because it will mess with your own journey of healing and growing.

I’m tired of this.

The kids were all screaming and crying today.  The boy has a huge bag of raisins all over the floor, the three year old is full of snot and cranky and not feeling well, the 2 month old is cranky (you haven’t even met our two month old), the house is a mess, thank goodness the five year old is out with grandparents.  I give up.  I’m staying in.  I had grand plans of being out and doing some things I wanted to do, but I give up.  I’m staying in.  It’s just not going to work and my frame of mind isn’t going to be of any help either.

I have resigned myself to elves and unicorns on tv, a son happy with the mess in the kitchen and coffee brewing.  Maybe I’ll be able pintrest some dreams.  Hopefully I’ll be able to forget about you and what you may or may not be doing.  I really dislike you for leading me on and not meeting my expectations and for not just coming.  But life goes on. I can’t do anything about.  I may as well enjoy my day, the extra cuddles and worship my God regardless.

Lets get that coffee and give it all to God.  I can do this.  He’ll take care of it.

Vast Emotions

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again it’s amazing the amount and range of emotions that one can feel.  Even at the exact same moment in time.

Last night after speaking with my husband for a good chunk of time, even while speaking to him panic came.  It always comes at night.  It’s ridiculous.  Even while speaking to him panic still arises.  I’m not sure it will ever end.  I’m not even sure that we will make it.  It would be so much easier to get to know him again if we lived in the same area, yet I don’t want him here in case he hasn’t changed or stops changing and then it will make it even harder to say no to him.  But then I can’t really see it working with so much distance for such a long time.  I really can’t.

Night is horrible not only for the battle of giving it to God and forgetting about the feelings, but also because all this thinking makes sleep very hard to attain.  And then when I do attain it, one child or another wakes up every so often and the brief stretch of every child sleeping at once has ended.

As I lie there in the dark listening to the newborn snore I think man who knew that one person could such a variety of feelings at the exact same time.  I feel anger and anxiety/anxiousness, but really the anger stems from sadness.  I also feel jealousy, sorrow, disgust, helpless and uneasy.  Who knew that at one time we could feel 8 feelings or more at once single moment.  I didn’t know this.  But now I do.  It’s kind of good to be able to describe it and understand it so I can get over it and give it to God.

Heavenly Father,

I thank you for this new day.  I thank you for my adorable children and the hilarious things they say.  Remind me to enjoy more of these moments.  I thank you for my life.  I thank you for the ability to be a blessing to others.  Thank you for giving me purpose and vision and dreams.  Thank you lord for peace and joy in both my life, my kids and my husbands life.  Thank you Lord for taking hold of all the things I give you and thank you for never letting go of me.  Thank you for my husband and where he is today.  Thank you for a future with you and for your endless love.  In Jesus name amen.

Thank You For My Husband

Heavenly Father,

I just pray for my husband right now.  I pray that you would be with him and protect him.  Surround him with your mighty protective angels.  I pray that you would love on him, show him your grace and peace.  Show him where he should go and what he should do.  Teach him, guide him, love him.  I thank you father for restoring our marriage.  I may not seem thankful, but I am.  Thank you for restoring it.  Thank you that you make all things turn out for good, either way it turns out for good for me simply because I love you.  I just feel really strongly to pray for my husband right now.  I’m not sure what exactly for, but I pray it! Keep him safe from the top of his head to the bottom of his stinky feet.  Even his heart.  Heal his heart.  Show him your mercy and your forgiveness.  Show him your grace and your love.  Show him your peace and your joy.  Show him your ways.  Show him how to obey you.  Teach him how to be a father.  Teach him how to be a husband.  Teach him how to be a son and a brother.  How to be my lover and a friend.  Teach him how to be a man of God.  A gentleman.  Thank you Lord for him.  Thank you Lord for showing us how to love again, play again, flirt again, be a team again.  Thank you Lord for teaching us all we need to know.  Thank you Lord for bringing him back to us.  Thank you Lord for helping us all become one family serving you with all our hearts.  Thank you Lord for my husband and who he is in you.  In Jesus name Amen.

Joy

I’m so thankful that joy really does come in the morning.

Sometimes it gets so dark, I just want out, I want away, I want a divorce.  I detests looking at pictures of you.  I hate you.  I hate you for what you have done to me.  I hate her.  I hate myself for getting here and not getting out.

And then I call Jesus and peace comes.  The morning comes and everything is ok.  I have peace again.  I have joy.  I have purpose.  I’m ok.  I love you, I hope, I dream, I’m going to survive and it’s going to be ok.  I smile again.  Joy comes again.

It’s exhausting emotionally.  Someday this will end.  Someday there will be more joy and hope than doubt and fear and darkness.

Joy comes in the morning.

I told you last night I prayed for you.  You said you prayed in tongues.  Hello.  That’s good news!  That’s a little bit of light in darkness.

God is faithful.  His promises are true.  Joy comes in the morning.  He is my prince of peace.  He is strong and almighty.  He is my lover.  There is nothing that is going to get in between us again.  He is my all.

Who Is This Person?

The kids and I went out of town for thanksgiving.

It’s different doing it on my own with four, knowing there is a possibility that I may never do it with my husband again.

In other news, you still haven’t given up.  I’m quite quite surprised by this.  Shocked.  Amazed.  I’m not sure the exact word, but I truly didn’t expect you to keep going this far.  I’m impressed.  You still call daily, reply to most all my texts, tell me you love me, even sent me a picture.

You looked rough.  Very rough.  Homeless-esque.  Messy unkept hair, crazy beard and tired eyes…to be honest you can keep that look until you get here…keep the ladies away.  Hopefully most ladies don’t throw themselves at homeless people.  As I observed your messy overgrown hair on the top of your head and then your exhausted looking eyes and your unkept wild beard I saw your neck.   Sigh.  There is no hiding the fact that it is attached to something big and strong.  If a neck could be defined yours would be.  Is it possible to have a crush on a neck?  Can you put a turtle neck on please?

I really struggle at night.  What are you doing?  Who are you doing it with?  Why haven’t you answered my text that I sent…two minutes ago…  You actually didn’t get mad at me this morning when I brought up my concern and fear.  You said, “why should I get mad, it’s my fault.”  Normally you reaction would be anger and offense and redirecting the blame to me.  Who is this person that takes responsibility, and actually acts like they care what I’m feeling?  Who is this person?

You also haven’t said “shit” on the phone in a long time.  It may seem insignificant but I see it as a reflection of your heart.  The Bible says “out of the abundance of the heart your mouth speaks”…if you have filth in your heart, it’s going to come out.  Yeah there are worse words to say, but you know where I stand on those kinds of words, I see no point, if you wouldn’t say that around your kid, why say it at all?  But you haven’t said it lately.  Maybe your heart is changing?  That’s what needs to change first.  You can’t make any changes permanently unless it first comes from the heart.

I feel as if the move is a daunting task to you.  I’m not one hundred percent sure what you are waiting for, but I’ll let you wait.  I have come to learn a few months ago, that I can’t make you do anything.  I can’t make you love me, I can’t make you take responsibility, I can’t make you move.  Yes if you love me, you would have done it by now.  If you love me you would have not cheated on me, but we all make choices and we all make mistakes.  You’ll do it in your time.  I understand that.  To be frank I’m not sure I’m ready for you to be here.  Yes my heart hurts sometimes.  Wishes we could be together, wishes we could work our problems out face to face.  But then some of me wonders if we were together would we revert back to our old ways and not work anything out?  Would I shut down and shut up?  Would you overpower?  I don’t know.  I also know that I’m not ready.  To be honest, I don’t really want you here yet.  I like being able to “find myself,” oh how I hate that, but it’s real.  I also like being able to slowly work out our issues on our own pace.  You aren’t here, I’m not really afraid to speak my mind, cause you are already gone.  There isn’t any more damage that can be done if I irk you the wrong way.

But when I purposely try to irk you lately…it isn’t working.  You were once confused and screwed our life up.  I’m confused now.   You buttons seem to be less.  Your attention to me seems to be more than it’s ever been.   Our issues are real, they are big, they are scary big at times.  As I told you when you first left me, working out our issues is pointless unless you love me.  If you don’t love me it’s pointless to talk about the other issues.  But now you act like you love me.  My heart is going to take forever to heal, but you took the first step…that’s scary, I was ok with you not, I was ok with divorce, I was ok with the choices you made, I was ok with you not choosing me, but God.

God came in, those ten thousand people must have said ten thousand words and you must have heard something.  You are fixing the one biggest issue to start the healing process.  You have chosen love.  It’s baffling.  It makes me want to weep.   What do I do with this?  You want our marriage to last.  How do I react?  You want to be there for our children, “not just physically but on our A game”…as you said, since when?  Who are you?  Whoever it is I may like them.

Will we overcome the daunting mountain of an issue called finances?  Will we cross it in one piece?  I didn’t think our marriage was going to make it, but it might.  As I said to my amazing friend who has been my biggest supporter, “there may be hope”…she reminded me if there is that we may be witnessing a humongous miracle.

If someone’s heart as stubborn and rough and prideful as my husbands can be changed and our marriage has hope for restoration and if He is becoming the man of God my family needs…that is a miracle.  The Miracle Maker is able.  God is a miracle maker and He loves me.

Who is this person that keeps texting me?  No things aren’t perfect, they will never be, but they are better than before.  I am being pursued, how can that be bad?  It may cause for another fall, but it’s also the direction of success.  It takes one step at a time to get up the mountain.  I gave up.  I was done trying to climb the mountain and then you seemed to take over.  You seemed to take over on the climbing and to be honest you started carrying me up.  I often feel like I’m just lying lifeless, flopping around cause I don’t want to put much of me into this relationship or into this mountain of a healed marriage.  But you started to walk up it and you started to drag me along.  How can I not follow if you are the one pursuing me?  Who knows what will happen at the top.  If you will continue to pursue me when you have me in your arms again.  Who knows if we will get that far, but I like it.  I like not having to do all the work.  I like being carried, i like being able to rest my emotions for moments at a time. I like it.  And I may like this person carrying me.  I may just like them.  God is able.

Them Rolls

I was talking to you and I mentioned that it seemed hopeless.

You asked what I meant.

I said that you will ever get here.  It seems like an eternity and feels hopeless.

As if you won’t show up.  As if all this working on our communication has been useless, a waste of time.

It may be and it’s kind of depressing.

While our relationship may be doomed or it may flourish, my growth doesn’t get stunted.

I will continue to strive for independence, confidence, knowing who I am, seeing myself as beautiful, and just plain old learning.

People say they separate to “find themselves.”

That’s bologna.  You don’t need to separate from your spouse whom you have chosen.  You are married, once married there shouldn’t be an easy way out…fix your problems and move on.  I’m saying this in light of those who have to “find themselves.”

I am finding myself.  It’s amazing how much I’ve grown and gained as an individual while being alone and apart from my husband, but I should not have had to be away from him to grow as a person.  That was my choice not to grow when I was with him, not to learn, not to be less dependent.  It was my own fault for not figuring me out while I was still married and with him.  I could have done it then…I just had blinders on.

But that’s not where I am anymore.  I don’t want to be single, but I am so I will use it to my advantage and when I get a second chance, be it with or without my husband I will continue to grow, learn about myself, gain confidence, know who I am and learn in general.  If we as individuals in a marriage become stunted how will we keep our relationships from becoming stunted?  I don’t think it’s possible.  As we grow and continue to be us and learn more about ourselves and love ourselves our relationship will continue to grow.  We can learn to be better spouses, we can learn how to be better parents, Jesus lovers, career opportunities, hobbies, we can learn new things, new opportunities, new ways to dress, new ways to cook…we can always be growing and becoming more confident in ourselves.  That should never stop…unfortunately it did for me.

Being married is not an excuse to stop being yourself and to stop growing as an individual.

That right there is a heart issue.

If we stop growing as a person something in our heart is hurt or needs to be fixed.  Maybe it’s pride, maybe it’s someone that once told us we aren’t good enough, maybe it’s someone that didn’t believe in us, abused us, abandoned us, belittled us…something needs healing so you can begin to grow again.

Another heart issue I’m trying to deal with is this weight thing.  I’m not overly obese.  I was just a super tall girl with “big bones” that had 4 babies, 7 pregnancies in 6 years and has developed eating and laziness issues.

Clothing shopping for me is the worst.  I hate it.  If I could avoid it like the plague I would.

I want cool jeans, I want sweet shirts, I want cute pjs and underwear, but it’s absolutely depressing trying to find ones that look good.  Even shoes for goodness sake…cute shoes are incredibly hard to find in a size 11 ladies…wide.

These rolls are hard to hide.  This extra fat is hard to disguise underneath clothes that like to be tight and clingy.  Finding a winter coat is even ridiculous…I find one that doesn’t look like a belly top finally and actually buttons up…but the sleeves go to my elbows.  I amy be exaggerating a little, but you get my point.

Granny panties are great when you are pregnant and uncomfortable as heck, but once the babies out, you want to look and feel beautiful again, but is a daylong wedgie worth it?

I remember one pregnancy I needed underwear so stinking bad…my hips and butt expanded rapidly.  Husband and I went to the trusty old walmart…it was depressing trying to find cute ones…I started to cry in the middle of the underwear aisle.  Hubby then was sweet and hugged me and said it was no big deal.  We grabbed a pair and ran right out of that stressful place.  He was good then.

Point is.  I hate clothing shopping because I hate my body.  Yet I’m not able to do anything about it.  I just ate half a bag of chocolate chips, probably because I just talked to the husband on the phone.  I don’t over eat…I just eat bad things….that’s all I’ve had today and it’s 2pm.  I’ll end up binge eating this evening after the kids are in bed…leftovers, egg roll, cereal…whatever I can find.  It’s called not eating properly and not taking care of your body the way it deserves.  It stems from the damage in my heart.  I don’t feel beautiful so I don’t take care of it.

If I have a precious figurine.  I take care of it and treasure it and dust it and put it somewhere safe.  I don’t treasure my body, so it’s not taken care of.  Why don’t I like my body?  I don’t know. That’s something I’m figuring out.  Somewhere someone probably said something that causes some pain.  My husband cheating on me, definitely didn’t help either.

It’s a heart thing still.  Healing has to begin.  I am beautiful.   My butt is beautiful.  My thighs are beautiful.  My legs are beautiful, my face, my arms, my hair, my hips, my gut is all beautiful.  I am special.  I am important.  I am worth something.

It’s a heart thing.  Forgive.  Grow.  Learn.  Be you.  Take care of yourself, you are special.

My Way

I suppose it’s what I get for posting my life on the internet for the world to see.

Most comments I receive are encouragement and people saying they are praying for me.  That brings a great big smile to my face.

Some say that I’m being played.  Some meaning two, but two feels like a billion.

But it’s ok.  If one person gets encouraged from this, if one person sees that there is hope, that they aren’t alone, that they aren’t nuts or that forgiveness is possible than it is all worth it.

Those that say I’m being played.  Yeah it hurts, but as my friend just reminded me last night, “I’m a big girl.”

I’m fully aware of the death circle trap thing.  The thing were you just live your life on repeat going through the same crap over and over and over again until you finally somehow escape.  Hopefully I am able to see this (some may think I’m blind), and I could very well be in the circle already and maybe I’m on my way out or maybe I’m on my way around again…but my point is it’s my circle.

If I tell my kids not to do something, they are all the more likely to do it.  “Don’t go to sleep.  You must stay awake”…genius-ness that actually works in my house.  They fall asleep.  “Don’t go in the fridge”…the next thing I know, there is juice, a cheese stick and ten apples out of the fridge.

Being told that I’m stupid, that I’m being played, that it’s pointless…just makes me want to prove them wrong all the more.

But as you are trying to point out…it’s not all me.  If he’s playing me then he’s playing me.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about his heart and his actions.  If he’s not…there is hope.  There is always hope.  It’s a risk I have to decide on.  Right now…it’s something I’m seriously considering.  But that’s my choice.  My consequences if it fails and my reward if it succeeds. Yes my close friends and family and even you may feel some of the good or bad that comes from it, but the brunt of it is on me.

It’s not going to be an easy journey.  It may not get very far.  It will be very long whichever way it turns out.  But it’s my journey. A journey I wish I didn’t have to go on, but I do.  So I’m going to do it my way.  Yes it looks like I’m getting played.  Yes I feel like I’m getting played sometimes, but I seem to always have hope and I always seem to be led by hope, so I’m not going to stop.  I’ll follow that because it is more positive and joyful and …well hopeful!

Just like my kids are going to live life their way when they get older, I may say “be careful” or “I’m not sure that’s wise”…but they are still going to make their own choices and there won’t be anything I can do about it (when they are adults).

My life my way.  Right now I choose hope and forgiveness.   I will always choose forgiveness…I may not always choose the hope in the situation, but for now I do.

Dear Lord, I thank you for this beautiful morning.  I thank you that I got to walk my daughter to her bus stop and hold her the whole time there.  I thank you for always giving me the words to speak. Your words are kind and loving.  You correct me but you always do it with love.  Teach me to speak that way.  I thank you that You gave me choice.  You gave my husband choice and you gave me choice.  Thank you that you let me live my life the way I choose.  I choose to live it for you.  Help me to follow you every where I go and in everything I do.  Lead me to where you want me to be.  Help me to make the choices that you want me to make.  Your ways are good.  Your ways are simply amazing.  I thank you that you can turn what the devil meant for bad into good.  I thank you that you can do that in any situation.  I thank you for your encouragement and love.  You are always there for me.  I love you Father.  Thank you again for this beautiful day and for my beautiful children.   Thank you also that there is always hope, faith and love.  Love will be forever.  Your son died because of love.  I love you God.  Amen.

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