UFC

Christmas is coming.

I was very afraid that it would be horrible this year…emotionally.  But I am still quite excited like my usual self.  That is brings me a smile to my face.

We are all recovering from the stomach flu…that’s just horrible stuff.  Hopefully I get the sick feeling out now and I don’t feel sick when I go pick husband up from the airport.  I still can’t believe he is coming.  He kept his word, he is coming to see us after soooo long.  Man I don’t know what to think.

“You get what you deserve”…”No No I didn’t get what I deserved”…”yeah…you’re right”…..So many of our conversations bring back the past.  Even if we aren’t speaking anything about the past comments bring up thoughts of it.  I so often just have to shut my lips.  Does he not remember?  I’m sure he does…he’s so nonchalant about it.  Does it hurt him so much?  He tries to forget about?  I don’t know how I would live with myself if I cheated on him, if I broke him like he broke me.  Although don’t get me wrong at times I just want to go be with another man just to see his reaction, show him how much it hurts….but that’s just the selfish side of me.

Life goes on….I passed by chicks fighting on ufc while flipping…I don’t understand why people would want to endure that pain or why they would want to inflict it on someone else.  It makes no sense to me.   Why would you want to hurt anyone?  I know why you would want to hurt them…why would you actually go do it?

Thank you Father for your love.  Thank you that you don’t want to hurt me.  That you always love me, always want to see me safe and happy.  Thank you that I get to live this life for you.  Thank you that it’s almost Jesus’ birthday.  Thank you that my children are super blessed this year even though we have had a crazy year.  Lord I am super scared about husband coming to visit.  I’m tired of not feeling loved.  I just want to live my life and be happy God and not have to deal with with relationship crap.  Thanks again for loving me.  Amen

Feel Like It’s Over

Today is a day I feel like it’s not going to work.  I feel like it’s failed and I’m getting a divorce, that it’s over.

I feel like I’m on my own and he’s given up on me and chosen something else. We haven’t had a chance to talk in a while and his emails have almost stopped.  That’s the way I feel, i’m not sure what an outside view would look like but it’s what it feels like.

I’m angry at him, upset I can’t ask the questions I want to ask because someone is always in overhearing distance and I had another “nightmare” last night which doesn’t set the day up for success.

I dreamt he chose her again.  I dreamt I asked him where he met her.  He said a strip club.  I dreamt I asked him when and he said last year when I went to visit my parents in the summer.  I dreamt that he was still with her and I said goodbye.  The dreams always make me want to ask if they are true.

So frustrating.  Maybe he will call tonight and we will actually be able to talk…maybe he won’t call at all.  It’s weird feeling like it’s over, like h…………….

And guess who I just got off the phone with?  God’s funny that way.  He met her at apple bees, he hung out with her while he was still with me, he said he never slept with her while we were still together, he said the meals weren’t for her…I really don’t know what to believe.

It sucks.  I wish he never screwed up.  I wish he never dated her, had sex with her or anything.  It hurts and sucks.  I can feel it in my chest again.  It had been a while since I felt it for real.

You flirted with her while you were still with me.  You hit on her.  You suck.

Lord help me forgive him again.  Lord heal all these hurts.  Help us discuss them and heal them.  Lord keep me focused.  Lord I don’t even know if I even want this marriage restored, but I trust you.  I know it could be great, but the work and the hurt feel insurmountable at the moment.  Help me please.  Help me Lord.  I love you Jesus

It Hurts

It hurts.

That’s all I really have to say tonight.  It hurts.  There isn’t really a word to describe the pain I feel.  My heart hurts, even physically.

Phones “aren’t working properly”…whether I believe it or not doesn’t matter because there is nothing I can do about it.  But it is now bringing in the doubt.  The doubt that he is not cheating on me anymore.  It just brings pain.

I stumbled across a few things that brought so much pain.

Trying to think about good things brings pain.  Was it ever true?  Where you ever really proud of me like the card you wrote me said?  Did you ever want to show me your love like your card said?  Did you ever dream of cheating on me when you placed my wedding ring on?  How long were you doing it for?  What made you think it was ok?  Why?  Is she better than me?  I’ll never be as pretty, I did have four of your children.  What made you think it was ok?  What made you give up?  What made you decide I was a piece of shit? (excuse my language).  What made you not love me?  If you slept with her, talked to her, flirted with her, texted her, took her to a hotel, dated her, you didn’t love me.  You didn’t love me.  What made you think it was ok to have a relationship with her while continuing to make me live in the hell I was living in with you gone most of the time and then leading me on the rest of the time?  What made you think it was ok to drag me through all the crap the lies brought.

And you still aren’t here to prove otherwise.  To prove that you love me now.

It just hurts.  There is so much pain.  So much pain.

I wish it would all just go away.

I wish it would all go away.

God.  You see my hurt.  You see my pain.  You see what I am going through and how I feel.  Jesus felt this times a billion when he was on the cross.  He felt all our pain.  Please take it away. Remind me that you have a plan.  Remind me that you are for me.  There is so much going on in my life more than just a broken marriage.  Remind me of who you are.  Remind me of how big you are, how much you truly love me.  Remind me that I am loved and cherished.  Take care of me God, because it’s just so hard to do it myself right now.  Show me you love me God.  

Hating

My trigger; the shower.

Yesterday was quite satisfying actually.  I got so angry with her.  I imagined giving her the one twos…the jab then the cross that knocks her out and gives her something to remember for a long time to come.  It was satisfying to imagine and think of.

I hate her.  Maybe I should work on forgiving her too.  Something I need to work on.

Today’s shower was less eventful as it was done in a rush to avoid too much toothpaste in my sons hair and I had no time to think.

He sent me an email today.  A picture randomly. You were topless, my heart skipped a beat.  Then I felt disgust and sadness.  There is a picture of a man.  My man that I cannot have.  My man that last had sex with another woman.  The picture makes my skin crawl.

You said you were going to keep your word and you were going to come in December for a visit.  You took the time off work.  You say you are buying your plane ticket this weekend.  We will see if you go through with it.

You called today like you always do and we lost the call.  I sat there perfectly calm holding my phone knowing that you would call back.  You did.  I knew you would, but it’s still shocking that you did.  I had faith in you and you succeeded.

You had sex with another woman.  I forgive you.  I forgive you.  I forgive you.

I am so nervous to see you in December.  You say you are excited to see me.  You say you are most excited about going on a late night date with me.  I’m impressed you said late night.  You are taking into consideration that it will have to be when the children are in bed.  You are getting to be thoughtful.

That picture still disgusts me and makes me swoon and makes me want to cry.  You were supposed to be all mine.

I’m afraid of how I will react when I see you.  Will I run to you, smile, cry, run away, slap you, punch you, kick you in the balls, barf or go into fetal position?  I really don’t know.  I don’t know if I can touch you.  I don’t know how I will react when you touch me.  I am so scared.

I imagined you slipping your hand in mine this morning while I walked back home from dropping 5 off at the bus.  It made me smile.

But now when I think of you I want to cry and rip my heart out because it hurts too much.

I’ve been reading my book that my friend sent me.  It’s called “The Supernatural Power of Forgiveness” by Kris and Jason Vallotton.  Jason’s wife of 9 years left him and his 3 children.  It’s nice to know I’m not crazy.  That this chaos I feel in my life is not abnormal.  It’s also nice to know that there is a God way out of this.  That there is a good God way to healing and forgiveness.   If he can do it then I can too.

His wife left for good.  Mine (husband) wants back.  Honestly there are many times that I don’t know if I want him back or how I can take him back.  But right now I don’t have to.  He is not here.  I just have to live and survive right now.  The time will come when I have to choose, but for now I can heal a bit and continue to forgive continually.

Heavenly Father, heal me.  Restore me to my fullest.  Bring me joy and peace and love and patience and wholeness.  I just need all of You.  I need every piece of you.  You are all I need.  Father help me.  I have a few good days and then I have a few bad days.  It’s frustrating knowing on the good days that the odds of a bad day coming are quite likely.  I don’t want any more bad days.  Today was a bad day Lord.  Continue to give me more good days.  Continue to teach me how to have more good days.  Train me, teach me, guide me.  I love you Lord. I thank you for my life.  I thank you for peace and for my amazing children.  They bring me so much joy.  They are loving and hilarious.  Thank you for making them funny.  Thank you for the joy they bring in my life right now.  I pray for my husband.  I pray that you would be with him, continue to heal him, continue to help him grow.  Press yourself against him so that he can’t help but see you everywhere he looks.  Reveal yourself to him, surround him with you, surround him with your soldiers, love on him, make yourself known to him.  Thank you for him and for who he is.  Thank you for making him amazing.  Thank you for my man of God who loves me like Christ loves the church and for my children’s daddy who is a father like God is a father.  I love you Lord.  You always have my back.  Thanks.  In Jesus name Amen!

Good Days

Maybe it’s a good thing that your phone isn’t working.

After a really hard two days, the past two have been great!  I think about you less and when I do think about you it’s because you’ve emailed me to say you love me or that you have booked time off of work to come visit.  Now you just need a plane ticket, but at least it’s a step…honestly I wasn’t really expecting you to actually do it..just more proof that you are for real.

It makes me excited to do life with you again.

I now know why I’ve been on an organizing kick lately.  Since before I stumbled upon ADD stuff.  They say being in an organized atmosphere and having organization in your life is supposed to help you succeed better and be able to not feel overwhelmed so you are able to be a better husband and father.  So it’s cool that I already was doing that and God knows what He is doing.

I also messaged your father like you asked and finally told him what was going on.  That was something you should have done but I also know you are ashamed and don’t want to hear his hate.  He too surprised me and said he loved you, the first time in a long time.  Usually he says he hates you.  That brings me great sadness.  No father should hate their child no matter what.  Everyone is learning and growing and healing and can never have enough Jesus.  He wants to go to church with you.  You should.  I would love to see your relationship with him healed too.

Today, life is good.

Last night as I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep and talking to God I realized that I need to be a little more thankful.  I am thankful for my husband, thankful for the growth he has shown, thankful that he still loves me, thankful that he took a step towards visiting, thankful for my children, thankful that I can exercise, thankful for the supper I made last night.  Thankful.

Thankful that I can worship.  Last night driving home I was worshiping and I could hear my little 5 worshiping in the back too.  She is so precious.  When we were almost home she went silent and I thought she was asleep.  As I got out of the van to get her she stood up and looked at me and had big crocodile tears coming down.  I should have known, music always does this to her.  Especially worship music.  She said, “I miss daddy”  and she started to weep.  Shoulder shaking, crocodile tears weep.  I just held her and said “I do too.”  I can’t bear to see her hurt anymore but I can’t bear to tell her there is hope and see her heart broken again if it fails.  The music reminds her of her daddy playing in the band at church, it reminds her of their time together choosing songs on youtube and singing together, it reminds her of when he would sing her a song while she was in bed.  There were good times, they just are sometimes hidden behind hurt and anger.

5 misses her daddy.  I miss her daddy.  If he does show up, I am so excited to see her reaction.  It will bring me so much indescribable joy.

Thank you Jesus for my life.

Building a House Called Me

My dearest husband,

I gave you an article to read about people with ADD/ADHD and I asked you if it was you or if it was true.  You said it was you to a T.   I really don’t know where to go from there.  I don’t understand it and to be honest I feel as if it’s just excuses.  This is something I need to learn more about.

You need to look at me as a building.  I’ve been absolutely destroyed.  The building is in pieces.  You said you wanted to continue to be married to me and be with me.  In saying that you are choosing to be with this building and it’s not right for you to be with this destroyed building and not fix it.

You can’t just start building again and then drop the process. The wind and the weather is going to destroy all the progress you have made.  Whatever you built is going to be torn apart again if you stop working on it.

It’s going to take many years to build the building totally back up.  You said you were going to do it.  So why do you stop?

The article I sent you said that you have a hard time starting a challenge…you seemed to have started it.  Then it said you have a difficulty staying on task…I can see that, but at the same time it also said when you dive into something you dive into it head on and it’s hard to stop a task once you’ve started…which one is it?  Those two statements are contradictory.

Why have you stopped telling me multiple times a day that you love me?  Why have you stopped calling me baby and beautiful and wife and other sweet things?  That you are proud of me.   Why have you stopped texting me goodnight? Those are the things that really build me up.  They really build this house back up.  But the past few days you have stopped.  I’m testing the grounds of trust and it’s failing. You said you would text me goodnight every night, you haven’t the past two nights.   And I feel myself being torn back down again, being ripped apart by the weather of emotions and thoughts and memories and the crap swirling by me.

Can we fix this?  Can we fix our problems?  Are you really willing to put your all into me, into this marriage, into our lives?  I know the man you can be and it’s amazing.  I know the marriage we could have and it’s dreamy.  I know the family we can have  and it’s out of this world.  But it’s going to take some serious dedication and hard work and not giving up to do it.  Not letting our standards slide.  If you are building a house, do you just stop and take a month long break?  I’m pretty sure you keep building until it’s complete and strong and can stand on it’s own.

Heavenly Father,

I love you.  I love you with all my being.  Draw me closer to you and help me become more intimate with you.  Teach me to be a Godly parent.  A loving parent.  Teach me to be a Godly wife.  A wife that follows God and is truly a treasure worth more than any amount of jewels or money.  Help me understand my husband.  Help me to help him.  Help me to be patient and kind.  I thank you for his apology.  I thank you for his wanting to be better.  Help him truly get there.  Guide him, give him wisdom and gosh darn it just fix him.  Can I ask that?  I know it’s not all him, but I feel like we are constantly taking one step forward and then one back and not getting anywhere.  It’s frustrating.  Lord take our lives into your hands and mold them and move them and love on them.  Be with him.  Keep him safe and calm and set his mind at ease.  Heal his mind.  Heal his heart.  Lord thank you for never leaving me.  Thank you for always leading me and guiding me. Teach me all I need to know Lord.  Help me grow in love.  I love you God so so so stinking much.  You are amazing and wonderful and truly worthy of all my praise.  All my praise goes to you. In Jesus name amen.  

Dark

I’m so tired.

Life is exhausting.  Trying to find work, trying to do things single moms have to do, dealing with the emotions of my husband, why hasn’t he come here yet, will this actually work?  Knowing that I will be up tonight thinking, nursing and taking people to the potty is exhausting in itself.

It’s still hard to believe that you actually care.  You actually care that I got some sleep last night.  It’s kind of nice.

I think sometimes emotions are more exhausting than the physical day of chasing mini-me’s.

Somedays are just so dark.  Waking up the other day realizing my body will never compare to her is horrible.  The days when I can’t stop thinking about the crap you did.  The sex you had with her.  The lies you told me.  It’s hard.  Thinking about you holding me, our conversations, doing life together…is now exhausting, will it actually happen?

One moment life is good, the next it’s midnight and dark and scary and I can’t escape.

It feels like postpartum.  Whatever it is it’s freaking dark.  It’s depressing.  It’s hard to get out of.  It’s hard to be cheerful when talking to you.  It’s hard not to hurt you with my words.  It’s hard to walk in love.

I can do all things with Jesus.

Genuine Concern

While texting today it was brought up that you are concerned for me.

I mentioned that I often never felt like I was concerned for.  If I was sick you didn’t care, if I had a hard day…whatever, if I forgot to eat, if I needed a break, if I was struggling…whatever.  And then you go and cheat on me…that’s really a whatever.  Absolutely no concern for me whatsoever.

My favorite time in our relationship was the birth of our son.  I truly felt loved, cherished and cared for.  It’s amazing how wrong things can go in one year.  What the heck happened.

I wish I could make the pain go away.  I really do.  I wish I was like God and could forget what I have forgiven.  How does He not remember my thousands of sins?  How does He move on when I hurt Him?  Abandon Him? Neglect Him?  Am unconcerned for Him?  He does it every day.  He loves me unconditionally and only sees me as amazing.  How do I do that?  How do I not hurt anymore?

I’m really not sure of this answer.  I just will keep going and think on the good things.  The I’m proud of you card I got after the birth of OUR son.

…our son that doesn’t even know who you are.

If you are truly concerned for us you would be here right now.

One step at a time I suppose.

Expectations

Expectations suck.

But aren’t expectations the same as hope?

Expectations that you will talk more than me.  Expectations that I will hear from you.  That something will increase in communication.  That you will initiate more.  That something will be different.  Than you will ask more about how I am.  That you will tell me more that you love me instead of less.  That you will improve more instead of seem to be sliding again.

This sucks.

You cursed over the phone again.

Are we going around the cycle again?

If we are I may need to seriously consider cutting it off again.  How do I really know?

You need to run.  Run from the place you are in, but you won’t.  That leaves us….now where, that really does lead us no where. We are here, and this is no where.  Expectations are useless.  Hope is useless.  It’s all useless while you are still there.  This is stupid and frustrating and agonizing.

Let It Go – Seriously

I made a list today of things I’m learning.

The one thing I’ve really been learning is letting it go.

Thinking about what he’s doing.  Thinking about what he’s done.  Thinking about the past.  It’s going to do absolutely nothing positive for me.

Thinking about what I would do if he showed up.  Thinking about how much I hate that he hasn’t shown up and what that really means…isn’t going to do diddly squat for me.

Thinking about how hurt, sad, desperate, alone or pained I am is going to accomplish nothing.

The biggest battle right now…wondering what he’s doing constantly, thinking of things that I want to tell him, things I want to talk to him about, things I want to do to fix stuff…at this moment it’s going to do nothing to improve things.

I want to so badly text him constantly, talk to him constantly, beg him to come “home”, talk to him about what needs to be changed, fix things…but I can’t.  That is going to do nothing.  I cannot help him.  Getting in his space is going just irritate him.  I need to let him go.  If he screws up again, then he screws up again.  I can’t stop it.  If he leaves me again, then he leaves me again.  I can’t stop it.  If he doesn’t text me as often as I would like, I can’t make him.  If he doesn’t call me as often as I would like, talk to his children often enough, send emails, written letters, finances…I can’t make him.

There is absolutely nothing I can do to change him.  It’s a process he has to go through himself.  He has to learn and do it for himself.  Hopefully through my backing off he’ll want me more.  Hopefully through my deliberate choice of words he’ll want me more.  But if he doesn’t there is nothing I can do about it.  Thinking about it isn’t going to help either.  If he lets me down, doesn’t meet my expectations, doesn’t make me feel loved enough, says goodnight too early, doesn’t say good morning, fails me…there is nothing that I can do.  No amount of thinking, worrying or being anxious about it is going to change it.

It’s his choices.  His life right now.  Yes it effects his whole family, but they are all his choices.  What he does is his decision.  I can only follow God and obey Him and leave it to Him.  No matter how much he hurts me, fails me, and doesn’t ever show up I have to let it go and let God.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to change my husband.  I must leave it in God’s hands.  Sometimes it is very difficult to do this.  To shut off the brain, to not give up, to find peace, to just trust and be still.

God’s got my back, He always has and He always will.  God is for me and not against me.  People may fail, but He won’t.  He doesn’t even know how to fail me.  He is my number one lover and my number one friend.  No man can take His place.  No man.  He knows what I need and when I need it.  He is my provider.  He can hold all my worries and all my troubles for me.  He always carries my baggage for me and He even carries me.  He holds my hand, He holds me, He hugs me, He kisses my cheek.  He calls me daughter.  He is my all in all.  No other can compare and no other can take His place.  No other can take His place.  That’s quite the concept.  No other can take God’s place in my life.  The spot is way too big to fill.  My heart is safest in His hands so I’ll just keep it there.

Let it go to God.  Shut up brain.