Weep

I don’t think I’ve really truly wept until all this happened.

I couldn’t keep it in anymore.  I hadn’t cried in a long time.  A few tears came last night while trying to get my fussy baby to sleep.  But tonight I was able to get out and drive by myself and I wept.  I wept.  I mean I wept.  I cried out to God.  It’s a horrifying sounding cry.  One from the inside out.  From deep down.

I cried out to God.  Jesus Jesus Jesus.  Help me God.  Help me Father!  Save me!  The pain is too much, the pain is unbearable.  It’s too much.  I can’t do this.  It hurts.  It hurts.  It hurts.  Take it away I can’t do this.  It hurts!

I cried and cried until I had nothing left.

All I heard was God call my name.  it was actually more like a yell.  As if He was saying He was there.  He was speaking loud enough for me to hear.  As if I was freaking out for nothing.  As if it’s ok, I’m here but zip it.  I am here.   I am here.

I’ll be ok.  I just had to get it out.

Husband was having phone troubles.  He did email me to tell me.  He called me and we had a good conversation about our days, that I was struggling and ADD and how it’s interesting to learn about and how it explains so many issues that my husband has.  He mentioned that for a time he thought maybe he had aspergers syndrome.  But after looking into it he has all the symptoms of ADD.   It was a good conversation.  Still have a long way to go, but it’s a start.

All I can do is trust that he isn’t lying about his phone.  Of course negative thoughts come, but those aren’t going to get me anywhere or do anything good for me.  Worrying is worthless.

Crying is good, weeping is ok.  Get it all out.

Bipolar

When you go through something traumatic or grief your emotions almost become bipolar.

One moment you are happy and everything little thing will be ok and the next you are sad beyond belief.

One moment you are focused and have a purpose and the next you don’t know what you are going to do with your life or how you are going to survive.

One moment you are forgiving and gracious to the persons and the next you hate them and have very serious anger issues.

One moment you are really hopeful things will work, the next you want a divorce.

One moment you are excited because he seems to be succeeding at showing his repentance and the next you are sorely disappointed because your expectations aren’t met.

It really is a roller coaster ride.

Me

Living a separated life from you.

Living with the ending being divorce so as to not let my heart get broken again.

Living reminding myself that you are probably with her so as not to get my heart destroyed anymore.

Living trying to remind myself that it’s over…not unless, not what if, not hopefully.  I just can’t let my heart soar anymore in regards to this situation.

“Unnecessary Complication”

I’m listening to a sermon from Elevation Church (awesome and you should listen!).  He is talking about unnecessary complication.

My life is very complicated.  How do I live like it’s not?  How do I keep myself from being complicated?  From causing more complications?

It’s really simple actually.  I must live like we are not getting back together.  If he wants to get back together he has some work to do, but must just keep bettering myself to be the perfect person.  I will never get to perfect, but I must keep learning and growing and becoming the best single person I can be.   Whatever happens happens, but this is my life now and I must focus on myself.  If someone else wants to step up and be the man God has called him to be, good.  If not, I’m not going to let it affect me anymore.  I am me.  I am the only person who can change me and I am the only one who can choose to live my life.

I cannot wait for his text or call.  I have to train myself that it’s not going to come and if it does good, but expect it not to.  I know this sounds grim, but sometimes you have to protect your heart.

I have to put myself first right now.  I will grow by reading and listening and learning.  By realizing my mistakes and learning from them.  Focusing on what I like to do and doing it.  Becoming better at the skills that I have and learning new skills.  Becoming more confident and independent.

As I focus on becoming the person God has called me to be God will take care of everything else.

God will steady my heart.

No Words

I have no words to say right now, but I have been reading my book “Becoming Myself” by Stasi Eldredge and found this excerpt very encouraging.

“Let God begin to rewrite your story.  Invite him to show you your past through his eyes.  Ask him to surface good memories you have forgotten.  He would love to do it.  There is healing to be had there.  There is replacing of regret with mercy.

Though our past has shaped us, we are not our past.  Though our failures and sin have had an effect on who we are, we are not defined by our failures or our sin.  Though thought patterns and addictions have overwhelmed us, we are not overcome by them and we will never be overcome by them.  Jesus has won our victory.  Jesus is our victory.

The stories from our past that shaped us and the words that were spoken over our lives that have crippled us do not stand a chance in the light of the powerful grace and mercy that come to us now in the Person of Jesus.  We do not have to remain captive any longer.  Yes, God uses our stories to shape us.  He works all things for the good of those who love him, even the horrible things.  The holy work of God deep in our hearts as we have suffered and struggled and wept and longed to overcome is stunning beyond measure.  You may not see the goodness yet, but you will.  You will.  It comes when we see our lives through God’s eyes.

God is coming.  He has not abandoned us, and he never will.  Yes, the pain of life is sometimes too intense to be borne.  But when from that place we cry out to Jesus to save us, the heavens rejoice, the demons tremble in defeat, and the Holy Spirit who is closer than our skin transforms us.”

“The Holy Spirit who is closer than our skin”…

We are never alone.

Only God

I’ve lived through a lot of crap and still am.  I could go on again about the crap that’s going on, about the feelings I have, I could go on about the hate I feel this morning, the distrust, the stress, but I don’t want to.  I really don’t want to feel this anymore…

Only God.  As I draw and more to the conclusion (which I’ve known all along, but strayed from more often than not) that only God is able to meet my every need I try remember that all the answers I need are in a book sitting beside me.  Granted I read more than I did before I still want to read more than I do.  I want to pursue my relationship with God.  If I pursue Him more, he will become the center of my affection and focus and all other things will begin to wash away and come less prominent in my life and in my perspective.

This morning I was reading Ephesians 1.

There has been so much despair and confusion and frustration and anger in my life lately.  I am the only one that is allowing all that into my life.  As I just said, if I adjust my focus on God it would be much easier for me.

Ephesians 1

“He’s the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him.  Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love.”

I keep talking about wanting to be made whole again…it’s simple His love will do that.  I just have to accept it.

It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.  

and my favorite part…

I ask the God of…Jesus Christ…to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of his glorious way of life he has for his followers…endless energy, boundless strength.  

All I have to do is know him.  And I will have endless energy, boundless strength.  I can get through this I just have to stick with God.  If I spend time with him I will know him.  I don’t have to lock myself up in a closet to know him.  He hears me wherever I am.

Wether I’m in bed screaming at him (God), wether I’m crying out in desperation and pain, wether I am feeling sick because I’m so confused, we are building our relationship in that all.

Wether I just take a quick glance at the Bible in the middle of kids screams, He speaks to me.

That little voice…He’s talking to me.

When I get lost in His presence as I drive my children to dance, He’s there.

All this crap that’s going on in my life.  That I wish upon no one else, that no one should have to feel or go through.  Girlfriends and wives don’t belong together.  Lies and secrets are crap.  All this can have less of an impact on my emotional, mental and physical well being by giving it to God a little more.

“Let it go! Let it go! Can’t hold it back anymore…”  yes that song is in my head, the one many parents have heard a thousand times over again.  I gotta let it go.  Cause only God can do what needs to be done.  Only God can heal me, only God can restore me, only God can teach me to forgive, only God can give me energy and strength.

Only God

Divorce

What does divorce mean?

According to wikipedia…

“Divorce (or the dissolution of marriage) is the termination of a marital union, the canceling and/or reorganizing of the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage, thus dissolving the bonds of matrimonybetween a married couple under the rule of law of the particular country and/or state…..

In most countries monogamy is required by law …

If the family includes children, they may be deeply affected.”

I never wanted it.  Never in a million years.  I saw us preaching side by side one day.  Going to our children’s graduation.  Him leading worship.

Then it became a reality.  He cheated on me.  Wasn’t repentant of it…didn’t change his ways.  I had the divorce people’s phone number in hand.

He called asking me not to do it yet.

But he’s still with her.  I can wait for him to figure things out, but I can’t wait for him to finish his fling.

My gut says leave him.  My gut says he’s not going to change.

It’s never really been in my court before.  I always had it in me to hold on tight, but now my grip is gone.  You left us.  You chose her, and you are still choosing her.  You don’t get much more stupid than that.

I don’t know if I want to fight for this anymore.  Can you stop saying “shit” and start saying “oh my stars” instead?  But most of all can you leave her forever?  Can you?  Will you go to counseling or are you too good for that?  And will you treat us like royalty 24/7?

I just don’t know anymore.

Monogamy is required.

Children may be deeply affected.  Separation affects them, not just divorce.  A fight affects them not just divorce. Sometimes I have to keep reminding myself and hearing the voices of God, my mom and friend that my daughter will be ok.  She will be ok. I so wish I could save her this grief.  I really do.  What is really better for her?  What is better for me?  Either way I’m the one that is raising her….she will be ok.  God is a big God.

Father, be with my children.  Protect them.  Keep them from harm, both physically and emotionally.  Put your strong arms around them and let them know how much they are loved.  As their father is away don’t let them go without.  Let them know the love you have for them.  Let them feel the intimacy they need to grow strong and healthy.  Let them know how much you pursue them.  Show them how they deserve to be treated.  Show them how a man should act.  Teach me too Lord.  Teach me how to love them like you love them.  Teach me how to serve you with all my heart.  Teach me to be loving and caring.  Let me see people through your eyes God.  Let me see my children through your eyes God.  Sometimes with all these emotions and all this stress it’s hard to give them all the affection and attention they need.  Help me fulfill their every need Lord.  Help me to be the best mommy.  The mommy they need.  Fill our hearts with your love so that we are a family totally in love with you and so that your love oozes out of us.  Be it with a father or without, let our family be whole and well and healthy, lacking nothing.  I thank you Lord that you always provide, you never leave and you always take care of us.  You are all we need.  You are always with us.  I love you my heavenly Father.  In Jesus name Amen.  

Help me to forgive also Lord.  

Dead Inside

I texted and asked if you had done the deed.  Otherwise known as left your girlfriend.

No reply yet.  My guess is no.

I really can’t do this anymore.  I feel dead inside.

I want to be loved again.  I want to feel of worth again.

A man can’t do that.  How do I get my head in the right place, my heart in the right place to let God be that person.  To let God be that person.  He gives me worth.  He is my lover.  No man can truly fulfill my needs.

I deserve better.  You know it.  I wish you would do it.

I deserve the best.  I deserve a man who loves only me.  I hate that you cheated.  I hate that you had eyes for another woman.  I hate.

I deserve the best and you still aren’t being it.

Are you ever going to be it?  Right now you aren’t.

I have every right to divorce you.  Why am I not?  I don’t even know.

Maybe it’s because of the kids.  Maybe it’s because I made a promise and I hate breaking a promise.  Maybe it’s because I’m stubborn.  Maybe because I know I love him even if I don’t feel it.   I don’t know.

I feel dead inside.

God fix us.  Heal me.  Be my lover.  Be my soulmate.  Be my one and only.  Be my night in shining armor.  Be my God.  You are my God.  You are all I have.  You are all I need.  Help me to see that.  Help me to know that.  Help me to feel that.  God I have a daughter that has never met her father.  God be her father.  Do what You need to do to bring her the love of an earthly father.  God speak to my husband.  Surround him with your love.  Be his all, be his everything.  Help me to get through this time.  Father, I can’t do this alone.  I can’t survive this alone.  I can’t heal on my own.  I can’t parent on my own.  I can’t become whole again on my own.  I need you God so bad.  I need you when he calls.  I need you when he doesn’t call.  I need you when I hate him, when I love him, when I need to forgive him.  I need you God so much. I am desperate for you Father.  Surround me with Your presence.  I’m so tired of this Lord.  Surround me.  

Exhausted

I want a relationship.  I want a good relationship, a great one.  One where we know how to have real conversations.  One where there are no secrets.  One where there is no lying.  One where there is unlimited trust.  One where love is unconditional.  One where excuses are not made, where blame is not given.

I want to be held, loved, encouraged, built up.  I want to be able to give myself wholly into something worthy of my love.

But I want it now.

I’m so tired of waiting.

You are making some effort.  I can’t promise I’ll ever think it’s good enough…that sucks.  I can promise right now that it’s not good enough because you still haven’t stepped up your game and did the hard deed for your children and wife.  If you can’t do it I’m not sure our relationship is worth the wait.

Life is exhausting.  Physically being the sole provider, being the only parent to four children is physically exhausting.  Emotionally and mentally being a parent even just a human being is exhausting, but add onto it the events of the last few months and it’s draining. The sadness, the anger, the confusion, the frustration, the missing, the images, thoughts, memories, triggers, the hate, the rage, the dreams, the smiling when I don’t want to.   I’ve got nothing left.  Mentally I’m just here.  I just want to curl up in bed and cry and sleep the day away.    When will the rest come?  When will the peace come?

I suppose I’m not helping it by not reading the Word more or worshiping or having more Jesus time.  I suppose that would help.

Lord give me a hunger for more of you.  Keep pursuing my husband.  Don’t give up on him like I feel i have.  Lord give me not only strength to get through what comes my way but endurance for this seemingly very long season of my life.  Lord help me.  I cannot do this on my own.  I just want to give up sometimes.  Give me wisdom and guidance and endurance, patience, energy and a Christ-like love.  Thank you for never leaving me and being with me always. Always.   Amen.

Emotions

Who knew that humans had such a wide variety of emotions.

Who knew we could contain in every crevice of our bodies and minds such an immense amount of feelings.

Anger, hate, frustration, discontent, smite, sadness, sorrow, and on and on.

You called and said I know it’s not fair, but i love you.  I couldn’t say it back today.  It’s hard.  I’m so confused.  Have you said goodbye to her?  How do I know you aren’t sitting there with her right beside you telling her the same thing?  I don’t.

I don’t know if you are lying.  I don’t know if you are still just saying words to say words and cover your butt.  I don’t know if you are really alone at 6pm or not.  I don’t know if things are going to fall through.  It makes my stomach feel sick just thinking about it.  I don’t know.  I really want it to work but I don’t want someone who isn’t the man of God they are supposed to be every single day.

I’m indifferent.  I’ve hoped so much, fought so much, stayed in it so much that I have nothing left to fight with.  If you want it…it’s all you.  Your battle.  I’ll try to hang on and hope it works out.  If you change your mind and decide that we aren’t worth the battle, that’s fine.  I had the divorce people’s phone number sitting on the seat beside me a few days ago.  It’s a reality I’ve had to become ok with and I’m ok with that too.  It sucks, but as my friend says, I’m worth the best.  Bring on the best there husband.  Bring on the best.

Sex

I was in the beloved shower again.  Sometimes I consider skipping the shower part of my day, but then the overwhelming need to be free of the boogers, spit up, peanut butter and sour milk beats out the need to avoid the stupid thoughts that always come.

So I had a shower.  Aren’t you glad?

Thoughts of him and her came like they often do.  How could he just have said, “might as well” that first time?  Seriously?  As if it would have no effect?  As if it’s my fault? As if our marriage didn’t matter?  As if not only that piece of paper that we signed didn’t say anything.  That our covenant that we came into didn’t matter.  My word is my promise.  If I say it I try with all my heart to do it.  Divorce was never really an option.  But now it’s a very real reality.

We made a covenant.  A promise to be true to each other, to be faithful, for better or worse, rich or poor, no matter what our feelings said, to love unconditionally…me…only me…you so easily threw that out the window…you so easily betrayed everything you said, everything you promised…not only did you smash all your dreams, but mine too…sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so blinded and saw your selfishness way long ago.  Our marriage, our covenant meant nothing.  If someone broke a covenant elsewhere they would be dead, or forsaken or something intense.

Your words and your actions showed that I mean nothing to you.  Nothing.  I still mean nothing to you according to your actions. “I’ll do what I need to do, be cool.”  What does that mean?  What is it you need to do and if I mean anything to you, if your kids mean anything to you then why don’t you do what you need to do right away?  We aren’t worth much to you if you still can’t sacrifice for us.  If you can’t do the hard deed right away no matter how much it hurts.  I get it.  I get that you have invested some of yourself into her.  That you like her more than me.  That you had sex with her and gave yourself to her.  I get it that you like her.  That you went shopping, out to eat, bought stuff, watched movies, went on trips, camping…everything you and I did.  You replaced me with someone that you didn’t fight with, someone that didn’t challenge you to be better, a relationship that was easier (for now).   But if you are going to do the right thing then you are going to have to sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice if you are going to make anything slightly right.  That needs to start now.

I’m at the point of no return, almost past it.  I’m not sure that this is fixable and it cannot wait.  If you are going to give it a shot you need to start proving it, showing it, doing everything you can to fix it…NOW.  Put me on your bank account or close it and go back to our joint one.  Let me see everything you are buying…no more dates.  Call every day…twice a day. Talk about real things, things that hurt, things that suck, flirt.   Answer my calls the moment I call…even in the evenings…make my hours 24/7 instead of days.  Call your children every single day.  Don’t give them the hope that you are coming but start to build a relationship with them.  Skype.  Send money regularly.  Prove to me that our relationship, the relationship with your children is worth everything to you.

Dump her in the trash and don’t make a move, don’t say anything when I bash her.  When I call her inappropriate names.  When I hate on her.  Don’t defend her.  Don’t look sad for her or your heart.  I really dislike you and I hate her.

Back to the shower…sex.  All desire that I ever had is gone.  You have wiped every desire, every need of it away.  I used to crave it.  I used to beg you to have it with me.  Your cheating on me and addiction to porn had cause me to be unfulfilled because you were having your needs met in other ways.  It makes me feel loved, it’s just something I need, something I want.  I’m kinda like a man in that department.  Or was.

It’s gone.  I want to be held, but at the same time I don’t even want to be touched.  I’ve noticed I cringe when a guy touches me, tries to hug me at church.  I can’t even look in their eyes.  My nights are not spent thinking of you.  My showers aren’t spent remembering good things.  I want to be held, but the thought of being touched at all, in any way, makes me feel dizzy and sick.

It’s a heart issue.  Only God can fix it.  Not everyone is going to hurt me.  I can be healed.  He can heal me.  If my husband wants me back how is it going to happen?  If every effort to prove to me that he is trustworthy, patient, that he loves me, that he would do anything for me, that he loves me like Christ loves the church…I think our relationship is screwed.   We aren’t going to make it.  If I can’t allow myself to be healed, allow myself to trust again.  If I can’t learn from my mistakes.  If I can’t be patient.  We’re screwed.

There is so much riding on this.  So much still to be lost.  So much that could be gained.  You screwed another woman, abandoned me, stopped talking to me, pushed me away,  yet don’t want to divorce me. Talk about confusing.  No wonder why I just want to cry all day.  I wish it was three years from now and could skip this part.