I Want My Marriage to Work

You called today.

Long story short you said something, it hit one of my triggers and I had a reaction of hurt and anger.  You didn’t like it and ended up hanging on me.

That was really upsetting.  I’m a hurt girl, your a hurting man and our marriage is a mess…there are going to be issues.  Your previous reaction would have been to ignore me for a day or two then act like nothing happened.  But today I was hopeful you would call back and sort it out once you cooled down.

Amazingly you did. God is good and I’m actually proud of my husband.  You called back.  We were silent for a while.  We were probably both debating wether we were going to talk about it or ignore it, move on and let it fester inside…at least I know I was.   But we barfed it up and talked about it.  He got upset, I got upset and in the end we both said our pieces.  I stood my ground too and in the end nothing was settled, no one compromised, but we both said our pieces and we didn’t hang up on each other, ignore the issue and we weren’t angry…does that mean it’s settled?  I don’t know, but I’m happy with the outcome and that we actually talked about the problem.

The rest of the days conversations with you went well.  Praise Jesus!  I hate the fighting.  I hate the ignoring the problems just as much.  I hate that I feel like I’m always wrong…but this is all changing.  It has no choice because I’m done with it and I want my marriage to work.

The texting worked for a good two hours today…that was nice, but now the urge to text you to check up on you all the time is becoming overwhelming…so stupid.

I often am tired of this relationship.  I often dislike my husband, but more than anything I want this marriage to work and I want to be with a man of God I know he can be.  A man who offers to cook, plays with the kids, helps to clean, goes to the park with us and pays attention to the kids.  A man who helps put the kids to nap then runs into the bedroom to have a “nap” with me.  I want a man who watches my shows too, the kids shows and his shows.  A man who goes on adventures with us and loves us unconditionally.  Amazingly enough he’s done most of those things…just not recently and obviously not now, it’s been hard to remember those good things lately.  I want it back and I want to know what the heck happened.  Two years can change two people drastically.  I miss what we had.  I really really miss it.

Abandoned

I’ve been living with a lot of anger lately.  It started today after being woken up by my kids “whispering.”  I say that in quotes because they more often than not don’t know the meaning of a whisper.   I was awoken from a dream.  A dream of constant running and hiding and saving countless babies from some crazy bomb blowing dude and running some more all the while wondering why my husband wasn’t there helping me.

I woke up angry at him for something he didn’t even do.  Yes he’s not here helping me save these babies that are ours, but it was just a dream.  It was just a dream.

Today 5 said, “mom you were awfully grumpy today, what’s making you so frustrated?”  I had to repent.  Grumpiness like everything else is a choice.  It’s a hard one to choose something different.

We got a Christmas tree today.  I was super excited.  The hunt was fun, the hot chocolate, the hayride…it was perfect and enjoyable with all my littles, but then we got home.  The kids were all in the box breaking balls and papa was stringing the lights.  Papa was stringing the lights.  The job I hate the most, but have always had to do was stirring the lights.  My husband usually just put the tree up and sat down or left the room.  He didn’t often help decorate.  I was just sitting there thinking wow he’s stringing the lights how weird.

Then I got a Facebook message from my father in law saying husband sent the money order that my father in law sent.  Um hello, your own dad is sending your family more money than you did.  What the heck.  Something is wrong with that.

You called and we talked and I said how my day was and asked what you did…”nothing”…that leads to so many thoughts…did you have sex, did you watch porn, did you stare at a wall, did you spend a thousand dollars on yourself?

I called you out.  I said something to the effect of how are we supposed to have a conversation when all you say is “nothing.”  How am I supposed to continue a conversation from that?   You got frustrated and asked if I wanted to hear that you had a shower, watched tv, at a burrito and went out…I said yes yes I want to hear the little details.  I want to be part of your life.  I want to be able to continue a conversation from what you say.

I suppose the best word for my all my feelings combined the past few days is abandoned.

This next week is going to be crazy busy, church, doctors, daycare visits, work, dance, swimming…exhaustion.

Dear Lord as I go into this crazy week help me stay focused.  Keep my dreams alive and remind me of your love.  Help me be productive and efficient and joyful and full of energy.  I love you Lord.  Be with my husband.  Give him a dream to focus on.  Give him energy and love on him.  Give him something to focus on.  Show him your ways and your mercy.  Show him your grace.  Help me forgive him as much as needed.  Teach me to love again.  Teach me mercy and grace Lord.  Teach me to be an even better mother and remind me to be patient with my children.  Help me enjoy every moment with them.  Help me to slow down.  They don’t have to hurry up all the time.  You can’t hurry up pooping and you shouldn’t hurry up reading with them.  Remind me of this Lord.  I love you God.  Thank you for your mercy and grace and love.  Thank you Jesus for humbling yourself and allowing yourself to be placed into a human woman and being birthed into this world like a human.  Thank you for coming to earth for me.  In Jesus name …Amen!!!!

Thinking

It’s weird being single.  It’s weird being a single mom.  If he doesn’t want me who is going to want me?

I went clothing shopping today.  I’m tired of pouring all my rolls into jeans or wearing leggings that just aren’t attractive.  The baby came out three months ago today and I still look 6 months preggo, but it’s mushy now not solid with a baby.  Oh the joys. But as I cringed every time I put on pants that made my butt look even more horrible or a shirt that accentuated every stomach.  As I cringed thinking about the 100 pounds I’ve gained and the 5 pant sizes I’ve gone up since the day I met my husband I remember I look this way because I grew and birthed 4 people that are half me.  I grew them.   My body stretched around them and my body pushed them out.  Duh of course I’m going to be different.  I thought man I would die for my children…I would do anything for them…I guess giving up my body for them is doing just that.  I let my body be changed for my children.  They are so worth it.  They are also so worth having a mommy who loves her body, is confident in who she is and who God made her.  They deserve that too.  So I better suck it up buttercup.  They deserve the best.

I was thinking the other day as I observed a single dad waiting with his son at our bus stop, how weird it would be if a man came into my life who had his stuff together.  Who put their children first, who took care of themselves, who had a steady job that pays well and has had it for more than a year.  How weird would that be to have someone like that interested in me and wanting to be involved in my life?  I’m not sure that will ever happen.  If things don’t work out with my husband I will defiantly be raising my standards for when I get a next time.  I deserve better and my children definitely deserve better.  They need someone who will sacrifice everything for them.

Mary Pushed

I’ve been listening to Christmas music trying to put together a small christmas program for the kids at church.  One music video from Hillsong (love them) showed Mary and Joseph and a real live baby Jesus…dear 6lb 7ounce baby Jesus…it’s astounding to think that in a little tiny human body dwelled the Son of God.  That’s amazing.  The Son of God was in the form of a tiny helpless human being.  Mary had a mind boggling task.  I wonder what she thought about it all.  She grew and housed the Son of God in her body and then pushed Him out…ha ha she pushed God out threw her woman parts…how weird!

How amazing would it have been to hold the Son of God in your arms, to have Him reach up and touch your face, to have the sole responsibility of caring for Him and providing for Him.

Looking at 3 right now as she sat in her little rocking chair and talked to me I thought, what would it be like if that was the Son of God right there…it’s just such a strange thought!  I’m so glad that wasn’t my responsibility, but I certainly would have traveled far to worship Him.  Man.

I still think the funniest thing is that Mary pushed Him out.  And what did she do without a soother/pacifier?  Did He cry?  Did He irritate His brothers?  Did He do silly shoulder shrugging dances?  Did He randomly grab His mom’s head and hug her?   Just such weird things to think about.  A Savior came to the earth as a human and lived as a human just for us.  So we could go to heaven, so we could know what true forgiveness is and so we can live forgiving so we don’t have to carry that burden of hate.  He came so that I don’t have to hurt anymore.  He not only died but he was birthed into the world from a woman’s body for us.  He sure didn’t have to, but He did so things could work out properly.  He was pushed through a pelvis for us. Ha Ha

Thanks Jesus for not only dying but coming into this world the crazy human way.  Thank you for setting the ultimate example of forgiveness.  Thank you for teaching me to forgive.  I love you!  As one song I ran across said…Your great, you rock, you rule and You are totally cool.  

I loved this Christmas video. Hope you enjoy!  I thought Christmas was going to suck for me, but I think it’s going to be all right 🙂  

Come Along

So much has happened.  So much in the past and so much lately and so much today.  Atleast it feels like it.

The past has a lot of CRAP.

Lately has been a lot of learning and hurting and healing and growing.

Today has been revelations and surprises.

During worship I just saw path/road out in the country and it was freshly smooched down and almost in flames as if someone had just blazed a trail on it.   I realized I do want to be in full time ministry, I want to own a business, I want to own my own home and there is nothing going to stop me.  I am going to do it and if he wants to join he can and if not I will leave him in the dust.  There is nothing going to stop me, I’m not waiting around anymore to see what happens with my life, I’m moving forward with or without him.  As of that moment I was done with the waiting, limbo, sitting in confusion, wondering if he was coming or if he should be coming.  I’m going on.  If he wants to tag along or be dragged along cause I’m not going to go slow then he is welcome to join.  If he chooses not to, then so be it.  I’m going on.

It sounds like it shouldn’t be something I’m just realizing but I am.  When hit with such grief and crisis your world stops.  It sits still in utter darkness.  And even before I was waiting for him, following him and it should never have been.  I should have still been moving forward and up with my life.  So it does sound silly to have been sitting still, but now I’m going forward and if I fall, if I still face plant I’m getting up and going full speed ahead again.  He’s not going to make me wait anymore to live my life…actually it was me stopping myself, I’m going forward.  I hope he comes a long but that’s up to him.  It will be hard for him. Logistics usually get the better of him, hard stuff, stuff he has to work for usually gets the better of him.  If he truly loves me and wants to pursue me he’ll get over it and just do it.  I’m not doing it for him anymore.  He’ll have to put everything into it to keep up with me, to get here, to join my team and momentum…otherwise he’s in the dust and God’s got something on my path up ahead that’s even better.

And then for the surprise today.  The old you never kept your word.  You always threw out grand ideas, said impressive things, spoke the right thing to do and say, but never actually did what your mouth spoke.  “I’ll help you get the kids ready”…an hour later after video games you ask what needs to be done and everything is already done.  “I’ll move in a few months to be with you”…yeah you lied.  “I’ll try to come during labor day”…more lies.  You don’t actually try anything, you just say it cause it’s what people want to hear, what the right thing to do is, but as I said it’s never done.

Then you said “I’ll try to visit in December”…then you said, “I’m trying to visit in December, no I’m not going to try I’m coming in December.  I’m going to do what I said I would do.”….then you booked time off work….today I get the email with your flight itinerary.  I can’t freaking believe it.  You did what you said you would do.  You did something that took effort on your behalf.  You had to fill out paperwork, you had to go online and pay for a ticket.  You did it!  Once again this may seem trivial but it really is huge.  You actually booked your ticket.   You are coming.

Those words…I can’t stop staring at those words…you are coming.  I never thought you would.  I was ready for a divorce.  I wanted a divorce.  I wanted out..I wanted out of this loveless relationship.  And then something happened.  As my father in law told me…”I knew you would fix it when you prayed.”   It sure ain’t fixed, but one word was kept.  A very hard task was accomplished for him.  It’s a huge step.  A huge step.  You are coming.

I don’t know how I’m going to react.  Right now I’m ecstatic and I’m also nervous beyond belief.  I have so many negative feelings toward you lately, but am so overwhelmed that you are actually coming.

I don’t know if I’m going to cry, barf, hit you, run to you or run away from you when I see you.  I’ll probably grin like a freak and run to you and then recoil and weep in the car.  Who knows.  That week will have so many emotions.  I need stand my ground, not change the way I act, not change my beliefs, not change my standards.  I need to set them even higher.

Your children are going to see you.  You are going to see your daughter for the first time ever.  Your son is going to put a face to your voice.  He’s going to see his real dada who isn’t actually his papa.  Your princesses are going to get a hug from their daddy.  They are going to get a hug from their daddy.  It’s such a special thing.  Those were taken for granted before.  Don’t take hugs for granted.  Don’t take any time with anyone for granted, you really never know when you won’t have it anymore.  They need their daddy.  Their daddy needs them.

That’s what makes you a man.  When you are responsible for something more important than yourself.  When you have to care for another human being.  When you have to provide for someone more than just financially, but also emotionally, physically and spiritually and mentally.  Provide proper intimacy, guidance, wisdom, and live values.  That’s what makes you grown up.

Man my insides are going crazy.  When I get excited I get excited.  I used to not sleep because of hate and hurt and sadness, now it may because of excitement and nervousness..and of course the nursing and pee breaks and dreams.

I’m also frustrated with your lack of responding to emails.  That’s frustrating.  But as I said earlier, I’m leaving you in the dust.  I’m not chasing you anymore and I’m certainly not waiting for you…that goes no where and in the wrong direction…I’m going forward with God and I’m going fast.  Answer your emails if you want to come along.

Thank you Father for this life. Thank you for my husbands.  Thank you that he took the first step in coming to visit.  Thank you that he did it by himself.  I pray that his visit goes smoothly.  That he shows and proves his love, that I can trust him again, that his heart is changing, that he’s becoming the man of God he’s supposed to be.  I pray that he is able to love on me and his children extravagantly and appropriately.  I pray that you would lead and guide me in terms of intimacy.  That you would heal me in that way.  I pray that you keep me strong and whole while he is here and confidant in who I am and where I am going.  I pray for a joyful time, a productive time in healing and sorting and addressing our issues.  I pray that we are able to accomplish much in our relationship and that we rekindle our love for each other.  I just pray that your hand is on this visit and our relationship for the rest of our lives and that everything goes smoothly and well.  I love you father.  Thank you thank you thank you.  I trust you God.  I trust in you alone.  You always have my back and thank you for showing me you love me.  In Jesus name Amen

Thankful

I’m thankful for my life.  I’m thankful for my children.  I am thankful for them laughing at me as I have orange frosting all over my hands and being ok with me hot gluing our gingerbread house together.  For not being upset when I slopped the frosting on.  I’m thankful they could use their imaginations and turned the clearances halloween house into our own christmas one.  I’m thankful that there were no tears or when 5 said “we need daddy here, he’s good at building these.”

I’m thankful for computers, for 3 randomly kissing me and hugging my head, for my son holding onto me as I carry him, for 5 being amazingly helpful tonight, for clean clothes.  I’m thankful for the babes snorts of the begging of her laughs.  I’m thankful for Gilmore Girls …”Does he have a motorcycle?! Cause if you’re going to throw your life away he had better have a motorcycle!”  Oh this cracks me up.  Mine had a motorcycle and seems like I may have threw my life away.  Ohhh boy.

I’m thankful for my God who never leaves me.  For boxes and bins and fun organizing things, for my house, my car.  For microwavable egg rolls, for makeup and lipstick, my cuties and for my body, for me.  I’m thankful for my husband, and my relationship we did have and for what we can have.  I’m thankful.

Funny That Way

God’s funny.

Last night I asked Him to remind me to read the bible and spend more time with him.

This morning I get up.  Sit on my chair and 5 comes up to me and says, “may you please read the bible to me?”

Yes she is that polite and yes she just asked me to read the bible.  Yes God reminded me to read! ha ha I got a little laugh about that.

Then she picks a story based off Ezekiel 37 in her kids Bible.  We started reading it and she was like Whoa and I was like whoa…I never knew that was in the Bible.  Growing up in a christian school I learned a lot of bible stories but I must have forgotten about that one.

God basically took a field of bones.  Old dry weathered, sun bleached DEAD bones.  Ezekiel witnessed as all the bones moved into place, then started to grow muscles and veins and skin.  They went from bones to flesh and blood bodies.  The God told Ezekial to tell the winds to come and fill them with breathe.  Ezekial did and the bodies received breath and got up.  There were so many bones in the field that it created an army.  Maybe they were an army when they all died…who knows.

My point in telling you all this was that one.  God came through like He always does.  Two.  He can do absolutely any freaking thing!  Three.  If God can take those bones in that very dead and broken place and give them life, then he can take my broken and often dead feeling life and circumstances align them together, make new regrowth and bring them back to life.  He can make them jump and run again!  If God can do that to darn bones he can do it in my life to!  Woo hoo!  Preaching myself happy this morning.

In Jesus name I command breathe and life into my life and the circumstances around me.  God you freaking rock!  Thanks for showing up today in a very real way to me.  Amen

Pow

When will it stop hurting?  I’m not sure.

This morning was normal and then I packed up the kids and headed to the grocery store and POW! I instantly had the worst headache ever…honestly it was debilitating.  I grabbed to tylenol and it did nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I didn’t even make it into the store.  As I sat there trying to gain composure I could’t stop thinking about him and her and what they did in bed together.  It was horrible.  I sank down into the darkness and the nausea and dizzy-ness came and then I vomited from the craziness of it all.

So yeah my day was crappy.  After I vomited I hadn’t thought about them since.  I reminded myself thinking about it is going to do nothing and I forgive “them.”  Them…I have to remind myself of that.  It’s easier to forgive him than her.  I don’t know why.

I’m not sure what brought it all on, but i’m thankful it’s over and I’m even more thankful for my mom who came to my rescue.  I got that day in bed…not doing exactly what I wanted, but sleep and nursing ha.  Now I just feel like crap,  not dying crap.

Funny thing is when I told him he sounded genuinely concerned.  Said to take care of myself, get sleep and drink lots of water.  Who is this guy?  Regardless I like that part of him and it made me feel special.

I’m so tired of this darkness.  I was watching CSI just now and they found some creepy nazi guy who was doing disgusting experiments on people.  It was really dark and gross.  That’s the kind of darkness I feel sometimes.  Disgustingly dark.  But I always am able to float my way back up to the light.  I am thankful for that too.  There is always light somewhere.  I’m thankful my little bit of darkness today was a just a little and not a whole day.

Dear Lord, I need more intimacy with you.  It just takes ten minutes to spend reading your word and yet I never seem to do it.  Please forgive me for not spending more time with you.  I’m so focused on myself and that needs to change.  It is not all about me.  It needs to be all about you.  Thank you for forgiving me.  Help me to be better.  Call for me and remind me that it’s your time.  I want to spend more time with you.  I want to talk to you more.  I want to love on you more.  I want to hear what you have to say more.  I love you God, I really do.  I will try to be less self-centered.  Thank you for always being there for me, even as I had tears running down my face in pain you were there and I knew it.  Jesus Jesus Jesus.  I love you.  Amen.

Light Will Come

Today didn’t hurt so much.

Today was ridiculously busy.  Work, organizing, children, more children, errands, basketball for kids and bed.  Doesn’t sound busy this way but it was.

Maybe the busyness kept the pain away.  How does that work?  No time to think?

It would be nice to have a day to sleep in and lie around and read all day.  Ha…maybe when the kids are all moved out…yup I will schedule that date for 20 years from now lol.

Shortest blog ever.  It’s nice to have my emotions at rest today.  But now my body is exhausted ha ha.  Thank goodness it’s not dark forever.  Light does come eventually!  Praise the Lord for that.

It Hurts

It hurts.

That’s all I really have to say tonight.  It hurts.  There isn’t really a word to describe the pain I feel.  My heart hurts, even physically.

Phones “aren’t working properly”…whether I believe it or not doesn’t matter because there is nothing I can do about it.  But it is now bringing in the doubt.  The doubt that he is not cheating on me anymore.  It just brings pain.

I stumbled across a few things that brought so much pain.

Trying to think about good things brings pain.  Was it ever true?  Where you ever really proud of me like the card you wrote me said?  Did you ever want to show me your love like your card said?  Did you ever dream of cheating on me when you placed my wedding ring on?  How long were you doing it for?  What made you think it was ok?  Why?  Is she better than me?  I’ll never be as pretty, I did have four of your children.  What made you think it was ok?  What made you give up?  What made you decide I was a piece of shit? (excuse my language).  What made you not love me?  If you slept with her, talked to her, flirted with her, texted her, took her to a hotel, dated her, you didn’t love me.  You didn’t love me.  What made you think it was ok to have a relationship with her while continuing to make me live in the hell I was living in with you gone most of the time and then leading me on the rest of the time?  What made you think it was ok to drag me through all the crap the lies brought.

And you still aren’t here to prove otherwise.  To prove that you love me now.

It just hurts.  There is so much pain.  So much pain.

I wish it would all just go away.

I wish it would all go away.

God.  You see my hurt.  You see my pain.  You see what I am going through and how I feel.  Jesus felt this times a billion when he was on the cross.  He felt all our pain.  Please take it away. Remind me that you have a plan.  Remind me that you are for me.  There is so much going on in my life more than just a broken marriage.  Remind me of who you are.  Remind me of how big you are, how much you truly love me.  Remind me that I am loved and cherished.  Take care of me God, because it’s just so hard to do it myself right now.  Show me you love me God.