So much has happened. So much in the past and so much lately and so much today. Atleast it feels like it.
The past has a lot of CRAP.
Lately has been a lot of learning and hurting and healing and growing.
Today has been revelations and surprises.
During worship I just saw path/road out in the country and it was freshly smooched down and almost in flames as if someone had just blazed a trail on it. I realized I do want to be in full time ministry, I want to own a business, I want to own my own home and there is nothing going to stop me. I am going to do it and if he wants to join he can and if not I will leave him in the dust. There is nothing going to stop me, I’m not waiting around anymore to see what happens with my life, I’m moving forward with or without him. As of that moment I was done with the waiting, limbo, sitting in confusion, wondering if he was coming or if he should be coming. I’m going on. If he wants to tag along or be dragged along cause I’m not going to go slow then he is welcome to join. If he chooses not to, then so be it. I’m going on.
It sounds like it shouldn’t be something I’m just realizing but I am. When hit with such grief and crisis your world stops. It sits still in utter darkness. And even before I was waiting for him, following him and it should never have been. I should have still been moving forward and up with my life. So it does sound silly to have been sitting still, but now I’m going forward and if I fall, if I still face plant I’m getting up and going full speed ahead again. He’s not going to make me wait anymore to live my life…actually it was me stopping myself, I’m going forward. I hope he comes a long but that’s up to him. It will be hard for him. Logistics usually get the better of him, hard stuff, stuff he has to work for usually gets the better of him. If he truly loves me and wants to pursue me he’ll get over it and just do it. I’m not doing it for him anymore. He’ll have to put everything into it to keep up with me, to get here, to join my team and momentum…otherwise he’s in the dust and God’s got something on my path up ahead that’s even better.
And then for the surprise today. The old you never kept your word. You always threw out grand ideas, said impressive things, spoke the right thing to do and say, but never actually did what your mouth spoke. “I’ll help you get the kids ready”…an hour later after video games you ask what needs to be done and everything is already done. “I’ll move in a few months to be with you”…yeah you lied. “I’ll try to come during labor day”…more lies. You don’t actually try anything, you just say it cause it’s what people want to hear, what the right thing to do is, but as I said it’s never done.
Then you said “I’ll try to visit in December”…then you said, “I’m trying to visit in December, no I’m not going to try I’m coming in December. I’m going to do what I said I would do.”….then you booked time off work….today I get the email with your flight itinerary. I can’t freaking believe it. You did what you said you would do. You did something that took effort on your behalf. You had to fill out paperwork, you had to go online and pay for a ticket. You did it! Once again this may seem trivial but it really is huge. You actually booked your ticket. You are coming.
Those words…I can’t stop staring at those words…you are coming. I never thought you would. I was ready for a divorce. I wanted a divorce. I wanted out..I wanted out of this loveless relationship. And then something happened. As my father in law told me…”I knew you would fix it when you prayed.” It sure ain’t fixed, but one word was kept. A very hard task was accomplished for him. It’s a huge step. A huge step. You are coming.
I don’t know how I’m going to react. Right now I’m ecstatic and I’m also nervous beyond belief. I have so many negative feelings toward you lately, but am so overwhelmed that you are actually coming.
I don’t know if I’m going to cry, barf, hit you, run to you or run away from you when I see you. I’ll probably grin like a freak and run to you and then recoil and weep in the car. Who knows. That week will have so many emotions. I need stand my ground, not change the way I act, not change my beliefs, not change my standards. I need to set them even higher.
Your children are going to see you. You are going to see your daughter for the first time ever. Your son is going to put a face to your voice. He’s going to see his real dada who isn’t actually his papa. Your princesses are going to get a hug from their daddy. They are going to get a hug from their daddy. It’s such a special thing. Those were taken for granted before. Don’t take hugs for granted. Don’t take any time with anyone for granted, you really never know when you won’t have it anymore. They need their daddy. Their daddy needs them.
That’s what makes you a man. When you are responsible for something more important than yourself. When you have to care for another human being. When you have to provide for someone more than just financially, but also emotionally, physically and spiritually and mentally. Provide proper intimacy, guidance, wisdom, and live values. That’s what makes you grown up.
Man my insides are going crazy. When I get excited I get excited. I used to not sleep because of hate and hurt and sadness, now it may because of excitement and nervousness..and of course the nursing and pee breaks and dreams.
I’m also frustrated with your lack of responding to emails. That’s frustrating. But as I said earlier, I’m leaving you in the dust. I’m not chasing you anymore and I’m certainly not waiting for you…that goes no where and in the wrong direction…I’m going forward with God and I’m going fast. Answer your emails if you want to come along.
Thank you Father for this life. Thank you for my husbands. Thank you that he took the first step in coming to visit. Thank you that he did it by himself. I pray that his visit goes smoothly. That he shows and proves his love, that I can trust him again, that his heart is changing, that he’s becoming the man of God he’s supposed to be. I pray that he is able to love on me and his children extravagantly and appropriately. I pray that you would lead and guide me in terms of intimacy. That you would heal me in that way. I pray that you keep me strong and whole while he is here and confidant in who I am and where I am going. I pray for a joyful time, a productive time in healing and sorting and addressing our issues. I pray that we are able to accomplish much in our relationship and that we rekindle our love for each other. I just pray that your hand is on this visit and our relationship for the rest of our lives and that everything goes smoothly and well. I love you father. Thank you thank you thank you. I trust you God. I trust in you alone. You always have my back and thank you for showing me you love me. In Jesus name Amen