Party On

I never really had help planning or setting up for birthday parties.  Mostly he was my food guy.  Cut 5’s watermelon into a shark for her mermaid party and refill the punch.  I was the plan, setup, host and clean up girl.  So it’s not really any different now, but I still miss him, a watermelon shark would be perfect for a pirate party.  😦

This will be his 5th birthday that he has missed of his children.  He wasn’t around for 5’s third one, 5’s fifth one, the birth of baby, and now 3’s fourth…I guess that makes her 4 and the boys second birthday.  We are doing a combined birthday this Friday for 4 and boy.  Mixing unicorns and pirates is quite the task.  Unicorns are definitely a mystical creature.  They avidly avoid normal every day regular human being stores.  So here I am left to cut unicorn shapes out of colorful paper to make decorations, cupcake decorations and crafts for the kids.

It’s all me.  It’s going to be a blast, but I wish their daddy hadn’t made the choices that he had made.

I wish I didn’t have to wait for the package he supposedly sent weeks ago with their dance money and something for his daughters birthday that was a week ago.  Or that his dad didn’t have to pay for their summer camp.

But it is what it is.  God is still God and I am still loved.  Life goes on and we will be absolutely ok.

Party on!  Throwing parties brings me much joy.

Something Good

God’s got something good for me.

God’s got something good for me.

It’s that simple.  God’s got something good for me.  He has a plan for me.  He has a purpose for my life.  He knows what He is doing.  He is still in control.  He hasn’t lost control just because someone rebelled.  God still has control and God has something good for me.  God has something better for me.

Everything is going to be ok.  Everything is going to be ok.  He has control.  He hasn’t left me.  He never ever will.  Humans love is imperfect.  God’s love is perfect.  God’s love is perfect and endless.

My heart may have been broken, but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t still have me in the palm of His hand.  He still has me, He still loves me and He still has a plan.  He has something good for me.

1 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

He still has plans.  Plans of hope.  Plans of a future.  Plans of prosperity.

He is still in control and I have my children.  I will celebrate what I do have.

I Don’t Like It

Normally I’m really good.

Normally it’s mostly anger and fighting of bitterness or just nothing at all, a blank space, but this past hour or so my heart is sad again.  Missing him.  My heart remembers the good tonight for some reason.  My heart hopes again for some reason tonight.  I don’t like it.

The car searching is still going, found some online…getting there to check them out is the difficult part.

And all strep throat and fevers are in remission praise Jesus!

Trying to give 3 her medicine tonight…”hurry up and just take it.”
“Just give me a minute”
“I don’t have a minute”
“well then just go downstairs and I’ll tell Jesus to give me a minute”

…we sit in silence with her eyes closed

About a minute later she drinks most of it.
I say, “Here finish”
“Give mommy a minute”…in a deep man voice…aka Jesus voice

lol She always has me rolling
….we sit in silence with her eyes closed
About a minute later she drinks most of it.
“Here finish”
“Give mommy a minute”…in a deep man voice…aka Jesus voice
bahaha she always has be rolling

Hope Rising.

My parent’s watched the kids tonight after I put them to bed so I could go out and get some much needed me time.  I needed to get an answer on a business opportunity but ended up praying in the car and feeling this urge to read this one book I have on forgiveness and continue the healing process.

I ended up at a coffee shot in one of my favorite parts of town and got lost in my own little world reading. It talked about not pushing the memories aside when they come but holding onto it and crying it out, realizing it’s over and crying until it doesn’t sting as much.

It was good stuff.

As I was lost in my own little world I heard someone say “hi name!”

I looked up and saw an old Facebook friend again.  He was on a date with his daughter.  She was five and shook hands.  It was just encouraging to see a gentleman and a good dad all in one package.  Not all men are evil and not all men abandon their children.

Let the healing begin and the hope rise up.  I’m ready for my Saviour to be my man.

No More Fear

Oy

Lord I pray for my husband.  Bless him, keep him safe, heal him, grow him, give him wisdom and surround him with you and with people who love you.  

Today started out good and in the middle was hit with the anger and frustration and thoughts that are so hard to put away.  She gets to take care of him when he’s sick, he’s having sex with her, he’s holding her, he’s telling her he loves her…too.

But I have my kids.  I have my little people, the joys of my life, the people that melt my heart just by looking at their adorable little faces.  I have the people that run up to me and love me.  I am ever so thankful for that.

How can you tell your daughter that she is your princess but abandon her?  That pisses me off so much.  Don’t tell her that she’s your princesses when you treat her like …I dunno, definitely not a princesses.  A princesses is loved unconditionally, provided for, danced with, people long to spend time with her, they give her their undivided attention when on the phone – not half ass-ing a conversation, a princesses has the door held for her and is loved.  Quick teaching her things that are just going to hurt her when she is older.  You’ve only talked to her 3 times since you’ve been here, but she still thinks she’s your princesses, you still tell her in all those three times.

Lord give me wisdom in raising my children, to show them to be confident and bold and that they are beautiful and keep them from the pain that I have had to feel.  Help me raise them to be great spouses and teach them to be patient for a perfect spouse.  Keep them from this pain that I have felt.  

He needs to learn what love is.  I need to teach my children what a God kind of love is.  Not the human kind that will throw their middle finger up at someone the second they get a little owie from that person.  They need to know the God kind of love that will not abandon them, that will always be there for them, will always provide, that is patient and kind and doesn’t keep a record of wrongs and all that jazz.  They need to know they are beautiful and loved and worth more than any treasure in the world.  

My heart hurts for my children, specifically right now my little 5.  I cannot live in fear though regarding her. My greatest fear in my relationship with my spouse came to reality, I cannot live in fear anymore about anything…birds and heights and my children’s future I’m not afraid of you!

Stress

I’m presuming it’s stress.  The stress and wrapping my head around the idea of single-ness again.  The stress of raising four children on my own, the chaos of school and daycare drop offs and working three days a week with swimming and dance in the evenings, errands, appointments.  The pressure of making the decision of moving, finding a home that I can afford on my own, of moving my daughters school, registering 3 for school and getting her into the same school as 5, the pressure of finding childcare for baby, the crunch of getting financially stable to purchase a new vehicle, creating kids church every week, starting custody and access, divorce, budgeting..but mostly moving and school decisions are stressing me out the most…I’m thinking all this pressure has started to cause headaches…sudden ones that come quick and within an hour I have my head in the toilet vomiting from the pain.  It is pretty horrible.

I need to lean on Jesus more.  There are so many things I have to do alone now, no one to share these things with.  I need to rely on Him.  Give them to Him and get into His word more.  That’s the only way I can relieve this stress, that and punch the heavy bag harder!  That is fabulous.  God is my only source of strength and can get rid of these migraines.

Jesus it used to annoy me so much when people would say “Jesus take the wheel” but …Jesus take the wheel!  I need help with my life.  I need help with decisions, with the little things, with the big things, with raising my children, with everything! God help me, provide for me, lead me, guide me and give me wisdom.  Lord give me favor and blessings along the way.  I thank you for blessing me, guiding me, and providing for me.  You know my every need.  I love you Father.  Thank you for never leaving me nor forsaking me.  You are my Rock and my everything.  I love you.  In Jesus name.  amen.

Gosh.

Gosh.

Yesterday playing at mcdonalds..yes mcdonalds the ultimate kid place 3 comes half crawling half walking off the slide screaming with a trail of blood behind her.  The mcdonalds slide sliced her toe pretty darn good.  Enough to go to the hospital.  They couldn’t stitch it cause of the spot it’s in, but it was bad.

I texted her dad  (my friend suggested if I don’t call him husband it may help so I’m trying it, but it sucks). Thought it may be something he would care to know.  Eventually he called and after asking if she’s ok the very next words were you should sue.  That just made me want to hang up right there and do the total opposite.  Yes of course it came to my mind.  One.  A kid friendly zone should not cut my child.  Two.  They should have a first aid kit and not just two tiny bandaids.  Three.  They really need to clear out the play area and get the blood cleaned up asap instead of letting the little kids feet prints run through the blood and leave it in the restaurant where people are eating food.

But the first thing he told me to do was sue.  Don’t tell me what to do!  You have no right whatsoever to tell me what to do.  And why do you have to hate on every single person you meet?!  He comments to every person that walks in the “out” door at walmart…every single person.  And really all you care about tis money?  What so you don’t feel so obliged to pay child support?

Anyways…My whole afternoon was spent at the hospital.  Yesterday.

Today.  4 kids, 2 hours, 3 nurses, 1 doctor, 1 very small room, 7 immunizations and 1 oral made for 1 exhausted mom.

Tomorrow.  Well, lets just say 7 years ago I married a man.  Last year was a lie.  This year’s anniversary doesn’t even exist.  Trying to push the past behind me and not think about it because thinking about the hurts will not be produce anything but more pain and more hurt.  Looking to the future is only scary. and bleak..so right now I’m looking at the board game I’m going to play with 5 tomorrow.  That will be fun.

Gosh.

God.  My life sucks!!!!!  It’s my anniversary.  The man of my dreams I married.  He’s not the man of my dreams anymore.  He stole my man, he stole my dreams, he stole my joy, he stole my hope.  It’s all gone God…I need you to replenish it Lord.  This next year God looks so freaking scary.  Moving (again), custody, access, divorce, spending money on a car…it looks so bleak God.  You are my prince of peace, you are my provider, you are my all, you are my lover, my friend.  You are my saviour.  You save me.  God save me.  Wash the pain and hurt away.  Erase the painful memories Lord.  Heal my heart.  Heal my daughters toe too.  Heal their hearts.  Be my all, be my everything.  I need you so much God.  Fill me to overflow with you.  Give me rest tonight and peace tomorrow.  Thank you for carrying me through the tough times.  In your sons holy name.  Amen.

Break the Ties

I was mistaken.  Today will be the first day I don’t talk to him.

It’s so hard not to call him just to talk, but I have to break myself from him.  I have to fall out of love.  I have to stop talking to him and do it without bitterness seeping in.

I can’t talk to him when he’s with someone else’s family Christmas day and has some other persons little girl on his lap.  Yes I saw a pic of him with “her” family and some little girl wrapped around his neck.  Yes his girlfriend face booked me, yes it was horrible and yes I am bigger than all that and blocked the nasty lady, yes she is a nasty person who also lied to try to hurt me on purpose.

I have to break this tie.

It’s really really hard, but I have to do it.  Christmas and our quickly approaching anniversary is going to be unbearable if I don’t.

I now know why people have rebound flings.  I feel as if it would help, but I won’t do it.  I can’t do it, not that anyone would want someone with four kids and so much baggage.  But I now understand.

I must break these ties.  I am thankful for this blog and for my one friend who is there through it all to keep me accountable.  It’s been nearly 6 hours without speaking to him, I can do this.

Let There Be Peace

“Let there be peace on earth”…I really enjoy that darn Glad commercial.

Love his voice…love the song…or at least the portion of the song that you hear ha ha.

I really wish more for peace in my family though…how can we have peace on earth when there isn’t peace in your family?

My children’s lives are about to be tore up again with daddy coming and I hope it’s not for nothing.  I’m hope it’s not fruitless.  I feel like they are about to be picked up shaken around and then expected to be plopped right down again and continue living normally.  Why isn’t daddy staying? Why do you talk so much on the phone again? Why are you holding hands? Why isn’t daddy staying?  When is he coming back?  Are you going to be married still?  I can foresee all the questions and it breaks my heart.  I don’t want to mess with my children’s hearts.  I want their life to be easy and simple and carefree and most of all hurt free.  But I’m about to deliver more pain to them and it makes me so stinking sad.

This week with him better decide if it’s going to work or not.  Because if it’s not I can’t bring him back here.  Yes they need their daddy but it’s not possible for him to be part of their every day lives while he’s over there and it will bring so much pain if it’s not going to work and they keep hearing me talk to him on the phone like I do.  Flirting and saying I love you.  If it’s not going to work it just needs to stop so I can help them heal.   But somewhere deep deep down I really do want it to work.  Somewhere deep down I want that man that used to hold the doors for me, who wrapped his arms around me, who I thought was perfect to be my husband and to be my children’s dad.

Let there peace in my family, let there be peace in my family.

Heavenly Father, 

I come before you as your daughter.  I need to ask your forgiveness Daddy for not spending enough time with you.  I’ve failed to read your Word lately, I’ve failed at going to you first, I’ve failed at putting you number one in my life.  I thank you for forgiving me.  I thank you that your forgiveness is endless.  Teach me to forgive like you.  Father, I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m in pain and I feel empty.  Fill me up again with you.  When I’m filled with you I will always be full of hope and joy and peace.  As the visit of husband quickly approaches bring peace to my children.  Let their hearts to be still and soft, but protect them too.  Keep us all safe from any attempts of the enemy.  Keep us safe from lies and deceit and unsafe places.  Give the kids and I wisdom.  Protect my husbands heart.  Give him wisdom and discipline and show him how to be the man of God he’s called to be.  Lord I’ve also been struggling with imagining other men in my life.  Men who seem better.  Men who I see being good dads.  Lord, my relationship is not over with my husband, it is just going to get me in a bad situation please help me fall in love with my husband.  Help me keep my imagination at bay and don’t let me go searching in places I shouldn’t.  I am married until the day I sign a divorce paper and I will be a woman of integrity and faithful forever.  Lord help me.  It’s so hard to not want more.  I love you Daddy.  I know you have my back, please show me that you do.  I’m believing for a miracle and you are the miracle maker.  Show me love in numerous ways.  In your Son’s holy name Amen!

He’ll Be Coming Round the…

Husband comes in 6 days.

I’m so freaking nervous.  Bleh.

I’m nervous because I don’t know what my emotions are going to do.

I’m nervous because I don’t know what it’s going to be like.

I don’t know how the kids are going to react.

I’m nervous because I don’t know what he’s going to think of me.  He hasn’t seen me in a very long time.  The last girl he’s seen was his girlfriend.

I’m nervous because I don’t know what his “expectations” are going to be.  I’m not sure if I can have sex with him.  Ever since I found out about him and her all desire has gone…is something wrong with me?  I want it, but it makes me cry thinking about how ruined it is.  It’s destroyed.

The thing I am most worried/scared about is for my children.  This literally may be his one chance in 5’s whole fifth year of life to show her what a gentleman is, to show her what a real father acts like.  Acts like…not says…but what he actually does.  I’m so worried that he’s going to influence them the wrong way.  I finally have them being polite, routine down, and discipline in effect.  I really hope he just loves on them, holds doors, and treats them like his princesses.

He’s coming and I really don’t know how I feel about it.  ACK!