Letter to husband

Hi husband,

I don’t really get to talk to you, well I do but sometimes I just need an ear and I still struggle with bringing it up.  I really wished I could have had a hug today.  I thought about calling you just to hear your voice even if I had to pay.
I’m not really sure why but I really struggled today.  It started horribly.  3 year old was awake in my bed pulling my hair and jabbering at 5:30am.  Baby was doing her usually fussy-ness at that time.  And then at 6am 5 year old and son both woke up crying in which I had to stop nursing so baby started crying and at some point three year old was too..All four of them were crying and grumpy at 6am.
Anyways 5 year old got spanked before she even left the door for school because she was being very disrespectful to me.  3 yr old was whining for tv like usual, son was super clingy and grumpy.  When we finally got to the bus stop 5 still wasn’t listening to me and ended up corralling all the kids and having a race on the sidewalk.  7 little people racing down the squishy sidewalk led to 5 tripping, making 2 others fall and 3 going flying over 5 face first onto the sidewalk.  Her chin and upper lip are nice and red still.
After that things simmered down and I succumbed to tv for 3 and son to a nap and tried to work on the church website…not getting very far…i now know why people pay good money to someone to do it…it’s hard work!  And then the sadness just came.  I struggled with images for a moment then anger at you and then I tried to let it go and was like he’ll text when he texts he’s probably still having phone troubles.   And it’s hard trusting, how do I keep from knowing I won’t get hurt again?  How do I know it’s not going to happen again? How are you going to keep away from temptation? I have to succumb that I can’t guarantee it.  All of that sucks, then even after stopping thinking about  it which in all honesty wasn’t actually very long today I was just real sad.  The kind that you can’t get rid of and isn’t normal.  I had a hard time not staring at walls or finding motivation to do stuff and then I couldn’t even remember what I had to do or should be doing.  I forgot about laundry, cleaning the car or anything 😦  I know this isn’t normal but it’s where I’m at and I know it will go away eventually…I hope.
Somedays are really good, some aren’t, like today.  Eventually I just stood in the kitchen closed my eyes and started singing.  Yes the words are probably wrong…There is a fountain filled with love and it flows from emanuals veins, I will rejoice I will rejoice.  I just sang and sang and sang.  3, son and baby all got quiet.  I sang until I saw God and sang until I heard the angels and sang until I saw myself dancing with Jesus.
It was nice.  Peace.   And then the sadness came back.  Eventually I got 5, got another cup of coffee and went out to dance, cried in the car and then it was done.  Getting out got me out of my funk.   So yeah I struggled today.  Usually I can get to a happy place and let it go.  Let the expectations, the missing, the images go, but today for some reason when I did I still had the sadness.  Anyways, I wish I could hear “I understand, it’s going to be ok and you are going to be ok”
I’m proud of you.  I think your business idea is super cool.    Wish I could feel your arms around me and wish I could see you try to keep your grin in while I cry.
I love you.

Prince Charming

I dreamt of having a husband since I was a little girl.

I used to have a Minnie Mouse diary with one of those cute little keys from when I was about ten years old.  I wrote about the boys I liked and wondered if they were my husband.  I was ten for goodness sake.  I have countless journals of prayers and things I had been learning in the Bible.  Most of the prayer included somewhere, “Thank you for my husband, thank you for bringing him to me, thank you for keeping him for me”…or something to that effect.

When I was 16 I started a journal written specifically to my husband.  It talked about how I prayed for him, how I was thankful for him, excited to meet him, couldn’t wait to live my life with him, the things I wanted to do with him and other hopes and dreams.

I had a scrapbook of my dream wedding.  Dresses, ideas…mostly dresses.  For the day I would dress up and be a princess and marry my prince charming.

I would spend hours on the floor praying and pouring out my heart to God.  I would ask why it was taking so long.  I would beg him to send me someone.  I had visions and God spoke to me about being patient.

One night as I was laying on my face I saw a park.  It was a beautiful field of grass with a few trees off in the distance and one near by me.  There was a bench under the tree.  I don’t remember everything but I do remember seeing a silhouette on the other end of the field.  He walked up towards me and said something like “I’m waiting for you.”  He sat down behind me and we rested back to back.

Weird I know.  But it kept me going.  Being patient.

I think God was keeping me safe my whole teenage hood and my awkwardness and weirdness were probably helping keep the boys away.  When I got to be 16 the anticipated year of when I would be allowed to date…it came and went with no prospects..or even asking of me.  The whole year went.  As did most of my 17th year.  I waited, trying to be patient, immersing myself in God.  One night I cried out to God..”What’s wrong with me?! Why does no one like me?!”

The very next day while chatting on ICQ…remember ICQ?  The coolest thing around, you could talk to anyone who  was on their computer without having to actually be on the phone or in the same place.  Reply whenever you wanted, ignore or anything…kinda like text!  Anyways I was chatting on ICQ with…a boy…I actually talked to lots of boys on ICQ and msn or whatever the other version was, but I suppose my awkward weirdness got in the way.

I was finally asked…”Do you want to hang out?”

AHA! Champion!  The moment finally arrived!  I was going on a date!  Actually he asked me to go over to his house  where he and his friends were playing video games.  My anti-social and warning alarms went off that that was a bad idea, but a few evenings later he picked me up in his momma’s car.

It was actually one of the funnest dates I had been on.  We went mini-golfing, ate at Montanas and then got some ice cream and went for a walk.  He attempted to tickle me…I failed at that one.  And he returned me home before dark…disappointed.  I proceeded to dive out of the car when he commenced at rubbing my hair (like you do a child)…I was totally turned off by that and ran inside.  Slammed the door shut and did the typical girl thing of leaning against the door.  I was enchanted by just the fact that a boy dated me.  I jabbered on about it to my friends.  Tried to continue to talk to him on ICQ, but after a “we should do that again” I never heard back from him again.

It was not much heart break but it was enough to renew my convictions of waiting for the right guy.  It gave me hope that I am not a weird, nothing is wrong with me I was just waiting for the right guy.

I waited for my prince charming.

My grandma would write me encouraging notes as I went to her house every weekend.  “Your prince charming is coming.”  I will never forget that.  She believed in me.  To be honest she still does.  She has no idea of the turmoil my life is in right now.  She was one of the ones rooting me on.

I knew he would come when he would come and I believed I would know when it was time.

Well as described in one of my first blogs I met him.  I met my prince charming.  The one who made me laugh, prayed with me, held the door for me and didn’t make fun of my dorkiness.

My prince charming…was hard to live with at times.  Disappointed me at times.

My prince charming failed me.  He lost the spot of my prince charming.  Prince charming is not supposed to lie, abandon, betray or cheat on me.

Prince Charming is a gentleman, Godly, respectful and loves unconditionally.

Mine failed.  The repercussions are huge.  The princesses that prince charming found does not feel like a princesses.  Not loved, not cherished, not beautiful, not worthy, not clean.

Expectations are too high sometimes and most often failed.

Thoughts are not what a princess should think about.  They are dark.  They are scary.  They are disgusting.  They are anything but lovely.  It is a daily, often moment by moment battle to keep the lovely things in mind.  It’s a constant battle to rejoice, to find joy, to be happy.  It’s a battle to swat away the worry and expectations that are not met.  I want to shut everyone out.  I want to cry and sleep the day away until the pain and images that come to my head are gone.  I want to go back to the days were I was just an innocent dork waiting for my prince charming to come.

Lord give me new visions and new hope.  New dreams and renew my passion for the days.  Take away the darkness.  Take away the sadness please.  Joy comes in the morning…make it morning.  Help me Lord fall in love with you again.

Happy Meet-aversary

It’s our Meet-aversary today.

7 years ago this cute guy got off his motorcycle and started talking to me, making lame jokes.

I fell for him.

The next few years brought on a whole bunch of challenges and adventures…

Looking back I wish they were slightly funner adventures, but non the less they were adventures.  But I never thought I would be here seven years into it.

I never thought I would be debating every single day wether it’s worth holding on and seeing if this change of heart is for real or wether just to cut the cord and move on.  I never thought my husband would cheat on me.  That was my greatest fear in our relationship and it became a reality…that’s something to think about right there.  He knew it was my greatest fear too.

I never thought the word divorce would be said in my mind or said in our relationship with a serious tone.  (I said it once before at an inappropriate time).  Divorce is not a word to be messed with and not a word your children need to know.

I never thought that on this day my child would walk into the bathroom while I’m showering and say “mom!  I need glue to stick this envelope so we can send it to dad because we are never going to see him again.”…ouch  I bent over as if I were hit in the gut with that one.

This is not the place I wanted to be.  I wanted to be on fire for God with my husband, I wanted to be raising our children together and on the same page.  I wanted to be in love and I wanted to undoubtedly know that I was loved no matter what happened in our lives.  No matter how much or how little money we had, no matter where we were, who we were with that I would always be his.

That’s not how things worked out.  Life hit me and it hit me hard.  So hard that some days I can’t see a way up.

So I sit here, in my few precious minutes called nap-time thinking still.  Do I want to stick this out and hope to see an 8th meet-aversary?  Is this hope real?  Can things really change?  Am I going to be treated like the woman I deserve to be treated like?  No matter what finances look like, no matter what life looks like?  Am I going to be wholly his or is he going to keep screwing around?

I want to celebrate a 7th anniversary together, he will probably be having drinks at a party with his friends that night…without me.  That saddens me.

I want to reach an 8th meet-aversary and an 8th anniversary.  Can we be a fresh new changed couple or will be in the same darn circle of pain and disrespect?

I want so badly for this meet-aversary to bring on a new life.   Freshness and abundant hope to go with this abundant grace.  There is always hope.  Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  Do I have the faith to see this through to a good ending?

I will hope without soaring too much.  It’s a start.

I Don’t Know.

I don’t know what’s going on.  I don’t know what’s going to happen.

You seem to be trying to make effort.  At this moment.  I don’t want to put too much effort back in fear of more pain.

I suppose I’m also testing the grounds to see if you really will pursue me.  If you really do love me you won’t give up because of my fears, because of my hurts.  You will be patient.

You do realize it’s going to take a lot of patience on both of our behalves.  But especially you.  You haven’t been known to be the most patient guy.  Are you really going to keep pursuing even when it gets hard?  Are you going to stick around even when we have to talk about the hard stuff, the embarrassing shameful stuff?  The problems we had before?  The problems you caused?  The problems we now must face?  Trust, finances, children, futures, dreams, responsibilities?  Are you going to stick through it all?

You do also realize there are probably going to be major intimacy issues.  Not only are you struggling with porno, but now I am struggling with intimacy issues.  The thought of sex still nauseates me, makes me angry, gives me the goose bumps and makes my heart pump faster than it should in fear and disgust.  My self-image wasn’t wonderful to begin with and now it’s completely shattered.  My confidence in who I am and in my body isn’t there.  We are going to have intimacy issues.  It’s going to be a huge uphill battle.  I’m certain when it’s defeated it will be wonderful, but are you truly up for the battle?

Maybe a way God will turn the evil into good in our situation is to help us start fresh and start better than we did nearly 7 years ago.  Can it be better than before?  Can you be the man God has called you to be?  Can I be treated like a queen?  Respected and loved regardless of my flaws, even with my flaws be loved the same?  Can I be pursued with everything in you?

I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  I don’t know if it’s going to work.  I don’t know if you setting me up, going to give up on me or if you are going to continue to let your heart be changed and to continue to let God love on you.  I don’t know and it’s so heart breaking not knowing.

Either way if you continue to screw up or if you bale out I forgive you.  If you do those things, there is no hope for you and I, but I forgive you.  I forgive you.  I’ve forgiven you for everything you did do and are still doing if you are.  I forgive you for everything you are going to do (no person’s future is perfect).

But right now, in the present I just don’t know.  I don’t know if I should be fearful or hopeful.  I would love to be hopeful, but that’s hard when you still aren’t living in the same area.

Either way I will love you with the love God gives me and forgive you with that love and let God be God and you be you.  We will see what happens.

I want to cry so bad, but haven’t had tears come out in weeks, I wonder when the explosion of tears will come.

Me

Living a separated life from you.

Living with the ending being divorce so as to not let my heart get broken again.

Living reminding myself that you are probably with her so as not to get my heart destroyed anymore.

Living trying to remind myself that it’s over…not unless, not what if, not hopefully.  I just can’t let my heart soar anymore in regards to this situation.

“Unnecessary Complication”

I’m listening to a sermon from Elevation Church (awesome and you should listen!).  He is talking about unnecessary complication.

My life is very complicated.  How do I live like it’s not?  How do I keep myself from being complicated?  From causing more complications?

It’s really simple actually.  I must live like we are not getting back together.  If he wants to get back together he has some work to do, but must just keep bettering myself to be the perfect person.  I will never get to perfect, but I must keep learning and growing and becoming the best single person I can be.   Whatever happens happens, but this is my life now and I must focus on myself.  If someone else wants to step up and be the man God has called him to be, good.  If not, I’m not going to let it affect me anymore.  I am me.  I am the only person who can change me and I am the only one who can choose to live my life.

I cannot wait for his text or call.  I have to train myself that it’s not going to come and if it does good, but expect it not to.  I know this sounds grim, but sometimes you have to protect your heart.

I have to put myself first right now.  I will grow by reading and listening and learning.  By realizing my mistakes and learning from them.  Focusing on what I like to do and doing it.  Becoming better at the skills that I have and learning new skills.  Becoming more confident and independent.

As I focus on becoming the person God has called me to be God will take care of everything else.

God will steady my heart.

No Words

I have no words to say right now, but I have been reading my book “Becoming Myself” by Stasi Eldredge and found this excerpt very encouraging.

“Let God begin to rewrite your story.  Invite him to show you your past through his eyes.  Ask him to surface good memories you have forgotten.  He would love to do it.  There is healing to be had there.  There is replacing of regret with mercy.

Though our past has shaped us, we are not our past.  Though our failures and sin have had an effect on who we are, we are not defined by our failures or our sin.  Though thought patterns and addictions have overwhelmed us, we are not overcome by them and we will never be overcome by them.  Jesus has won our victory.  Jesus is our victory.

The stories from our past that shaped us and the words that were spoken over our lives that have crippled us do not stand a chance in the light of the powerful grace and mercy that come to us now in the Person of Jesus.  We do not have to remain captive any longer.  Yes, God uses our stories to shape us.  He works all things for the good of those who love him, even the horrible things.  The holy work of God deep in our hearts as we have suffered and struggled and wept and longed to overcome is stunning beyond measure.  You may not see the goodness yet, but you will.  You will.  It comes when we see our lives through God’s eyes.

God is coming.  He has not abandoned us, and he never will.  Yes, the pain of life is sometimes too intense to be borne.  But when from that place we cry out to Jesus to save us, the heavens rejoice, the demons tremble in defeat, and the Holy Spirit who is closer than our skin transforms us.”

“The Holy Spirit who is closer than our skin”…

We are never alone.

Dead Inside

I texted and asked if you had done the deed.  Otherwise known as left your girlfriend.

No reply yet.  My guess is no.

I really can’t do this anymore.  I feel dead inside.

I want to be loved again.  I want to feel of worth again.

A man can’t do that.  How do I get my head in the right place, my heart in the right place to let God be that person.  To let God be that person.  He gives me worth.  He is my lover.  No man can truly fulfill my needs.

I deserve better.  You know it.  I wish you would do it.

I deserve the best.  I deserve a man who loves only me.  I hate that you cheated.  I hate that you had eyes for another woman.  I hate.

I deserve the best and you still aren’t being it.

Are you ever going to be it?  Right now you aren’t.

I have every right to divorce you.  Why am I not?  I don’t even know.

Maybe it’s because of the kids.  Maybe it’s because I made a promise and I hate breaking a promise.  Maybe it’s because I’m stubborn.  Maybe because I know I love him even if I don’t feel it.   I don’t know.

I feel dead inside.

God fix us.  Heal me.  Be my lover.  Be my soulmate.  Be my one and only.  Be my night in shining armor.  Be my God.  You are my God.  You are all I have.  You are all I need.  Help me to see that.  Help me to know that.  Help me to feel that.  God I have a daughter that has never met her father.  God be her father.  Do what You need to do to bring her the love of an earthly father.  God speak to my husband.  Surround him with your love.  Be his all, be his everything.  Help me to get through this time.  Father, I can’t do this alone.  I can’t survive this alone.  I can’t heal on my own.  I can’t parent on my own.  I can’t become whole again on my own.  I need you God so bad.  I need you when he calls.  I need you when he doesn’t call.  I need you when I hate him, when I love him, when I need to forgive him.  I need you God so much. I am desperate for you Father.  Surround me with Your presence.  I’m so tired of this Lord.  Surround me.  

Emotions

Who knew that humans had such a wide variety of emotions.

Who knew we could contain in every crevice of our bodies and minds such an immense amount of feelings.

Anger, hate, frustration, discontent, smite, sadness, sorrow, and on and on.

You called and said I know it’s not fair, but i love you.  I couldn’t say it back today.  It’s hard.  I’m so confused.  Have you said goodbye to her?  How do I know you aren’t sitting there with her right beside you telling her the same thing?  I don’t.

I don’t know if you are lying.  I don’t know if you are still just saying words to say words and cover your butt.  I don’t know if you are really alone at 6pm or not.  I don’t know if things are going to fall through.  It makes my stomach feel sick just thinking about it.  I don’t know.  I really want it to work but I don’t want someone who isn’t the man of God they are supposed to be every single day.

I’m indifferent.  I’ve hoped so much, fought so much, stayed in it so much that I have nothing left to fight with.  If you want it…it’s all you.  Your battle.  I’ll try to hang on and hope it works out.  If you change your mind and decide that we aren’t worth the battle, that’s fine.  I had the divorce people’s phone number sitting on the seat beside me a few days ago.  It’s a reality I’ve had to become ok with and I’m ok with that too.  It sucks, but as my friend says, I’m worth the best.  Bring on the best there husband.  Bring on the best.

Immense Fear

I just want to weep.  I just want to cry till there are no more tears.  Wash the stress away.  Relieve the pressure in my chest.  I just want to kick and scream.  To hit something.  To pull my hair out.  To hide.

My hope is soaring.

Yet my faith is little, almost non-existant.

And most of all am I ready for it if he does come back? Am I really ready for this?  Would I survive the influx of emotions and memories that I would feel?  Would I be able to contain my anger when it hit?  Would I be able to restrain the leaps in my heart of love?  Would I be able to contain the overwhelming sadness that would come?

Would I let the little things slide and get back into the hole that we started from?  Would I let him stay, would I remain if the lies still existed, if God wasn’t number one, if I wasn’t pursued, if I wasn’t treated like a queen, if the children weren’t put above himself.  Would I stay or would I have the guts to go.  It scares the poop out of me cause I know that the odds are not in my favor.  I would probably cave.  This is a bad bad cycle to be in.  A bad place to be in.  I pray so desperately that I am protected and brave and strong and that he choses the right thing for not only himself but for the kids and I.

I hope so bad that I don’t get hurt again, that they don’t get hurt again.

That I don’t get a phone call tomorrow saying, “I can’t do it”, “I lied”, “I chose her forever”.  That he doesn’t get here and is the same person.  I can’t do that.  Just thinking about it makes we want to barf.  Just thinking about it makes me want to smash my head against a wall.  I can’t do that again.  I can’t.

It would be so much easier to quit.  To get a divorce.  To be free.  It would still be a battle.  A journey.  But it would be a different one.  An easier one.  Much easier.  But easier isn’t always better.  Easier often isn’t better.  To get the best you often have to work the hardest.

I could say I cleaned and just tidy the house or I could say I cleaned and sweep, mop, wipe the walls, dust every nook and cranny.  The second is better, but harder to get.

God says to forgive infinitely.  God says love is patient.  God says love doesn’t give up.  God says in the end there is faith hope and love.  The greatest is love.  But it’s scarier than seeing my child walk around with their potty full of crap.  It’s scary.  It’s a huge chance.  A huge risk I am taking for myself and for my family.  If it works out it will be the best choice I could have made. If it fails it will be the worst mistake of my life.

Dear Lord help me.  Please don’t let my husband fail me again.  Atleast the kids aren’t at risk as long as he is not here for now. If he shows up, their hearts are at risk all over again.  They know nothing about him thinking about coming back.  They don’t know mommy and daddy have a chance at staying married.  They don’t know he asked for his resume to be emailed to him.  They don’t know there is hope.  They are safe where they are.  Processing the fact that he isn’t here and isn’t coming.  I can’t risk breaking their heart all over again.   They are safe for now.

Please keep our hearts safe Lord.  You love us more than anyone else.  

Hopeless Hope

What am I supposed to do?

My hope soars.  I’m happy.  Yet I know it will more than likely bring me pain.

I’m still on wife number one’s hours.

I need to stop conversing with you.  I really need to.

As I said in the last blog I’m an idiot.  I want to believe the best in you, but it’s hard.  I’ve been hurt so many times and I’m still on your hours.  It makes me so angry.

It would bring me so much joy if you got to meet your daughter.  If your son knew who you were.

It would bring me so much pain if you came back the way you are now.

You said by the middle of the week you get an incredible sense of sadness.  One were you just want to crawl in a ball and cry.

I know that feeling.  I feel it every single day.

You sounded so adamant when you talked to me.  You cried when you talked about a certain obstacle keeping you from coming.  Yet I still see very little change.

You are trying to help with the search of a vehicle.  You are asking how much I need.  Yet the conversation still stops half way through.  So stupid.  You have some concern about providing, but I’m still treated like crap.

Now is when I want to curl in a ball and cry.  I just wish it were all over.  I wish we were either done or things were more on the positive side.  I hate this.

Why do I have hope when it feels so hopeless.

Can you please come and get your newborn to sleep?  Can you give me all your attention?  Will I ever feel beautiful again?  It’s a heart issue.  Lots of things are heart issues.  I don’t feel beautiful.  I don’t feel of worth.  I don’t feel special.  I don’t feel pretty.  So I treat myself like that.  As I eat endless amounts of cookies to deal with all these emotions.

So many heart issues.

Dear Lord heal our hearts.  Make our hearts whole.  Bring love into our hearts.  Wether our relationship makes it or not, heal us.  I forgive him for not putting me first.  I forgive him.  Help me to forgive him.  Teach my heart to forgive.  In Jesus name amen.