Creeping Lonely

Wow I’ev become really bad at keeping up with my blog.  Daily to monthly oops.

Loneliness is slowly creeping in.  It would nice to be able to go on a date, preferably with my husband, but that’s not an option.

I find that finding friends, someone that actually wants to hang out with a single mom with four children is actually rather difficult.  No one seems interested, I get tired of trying to set things up and asking people if they want to hang out while our kids play.

I hope God sends me some friends soon.

I have  been searching for a new home.  I would love to buy, but thats not going to happen when I don’t have a full time job…even finding a rental that isn’t ghetto may prove difficult.  God will provide that too.

Hope Rising.

My parent’s watched the kids tonight after I put them to bed so I could go out and get some much needed me time.  I needed to get an answer on a business opportunity but ended up praying in the car and feeling this urge to read this one book I have on forgiveness and continue the healing process.

I ended up at a coffee shot in one of my favorite parts of town and got lost in my own little world reading. It talked about not pushing the memories aside when they come but holding onto it and crying it out, realizing it’s over and crying until it doesn’t sting as much.

It was good stuff.

As I was lost in my own little world I heard someone say “hi name!”

I looked up and saw an old Facebook friend again.  He was on a date with his daughter.  She was five and shook hands.  It was just encouraging to see a gentleman and a good dad all in one package.  Not all men are evil and not all men abandon their children.

Let the healing begin and the hope rise up.  I’m ready for my Saviour to be my man.

Gosh.

Gosh.

Yesterday playing at mcdonalds..yes mcdonalds the ultimate kid place 3 comes half crawling half walking off the slide screaming with a trail of blood behind her.  The mcdonalds slide sliced her toe pretty darn good.  Enough to go to the hospital.  They couldn’t stitch it cause of the spot it’s in, but it was bad.

I texted her dad  (my friend suggested if I don’t call him husband it may help so I’m trying it, but it sucks). Thought it may be something he would care to know.  Eventually he called and after asking if she’s ok the very next words were you should sue.  That just made me want to hang up right there and do the total opposite.  Yes of course it came to my mind.  One.  A kid friendly zone should not cut my child.  Two.  They should have a first aid kit and not just two tiny bandaids.  Three.  They really need to clear out the play area and get the blood cleaned up asap instead of letting the little kids feet prints run through the blood and leave it in the restaurant where people are eating food.

But the first thing he told me to do was sue.  Don’t tell me what to do!  You have no right whatsoever to tell me what to do.  And why do you have to hate on every single person you meet?!  He comments to every person that walks in the “out” door at walmart…every single person.  And really all you care about tis money?  What so you don’t feel so obliged to pay child support?

Anyways…My whole afternoon was spent at the hospital.  Yesterday.

Today.  4 kids, 2 hours, 3 nurses, 1 doctor, 1 very small room, 7 immunizations and 1 oral made for 1 exhausted mom.

Tomorrow.  Well, lets just say 7 years ago I married a man.  Last year was a lie.  This year’s anniversary doesn’t even exist.  Trying to push the past behind me and not think about it because thinking about the hurts will not be produce anything but more pain and more hurt.  Looking to the future is only scary. and bleak..so right now I’m looking at the board game I’m going to play with 5 tomorrow.  That will be fun.

Gosh.

God.  My life sucks!!!!!  It’s my anniversary.  The man of my dreams I married.  He’s not the man of my dreams anymore.  He stole my man, he stole my dreams, he stole my joy, he stole my hope.  It’s all gone God…I need you to replenish it Lord.  This next year God looks so freaking scary.  Moving (again), custody, access, divorce, spending money on a car…it looks so bleak God.  You are my prince of peace, you are my provider, you are my all, you are my lover, my friend.  You are my saviour.  You save me.  God save me.  Wash the pain and hurt away.  Erase the painful memories Lord.  Heal my heart.  Heal my daughters toe too.  Heal their hearts.  Be my all, be my everything.  I need you so much God.  Fill me to overflow with you.  Give me rest tonight and peace tomorrow.  Thank you for carrying me through the tough times.  In your sons holy name.  Amen.

Mole Doctor

Another oober busy day…I mean oober.

I had grocery bags sitting by the front door, supper half made, laundry needing to be flipped and I had just given in to 3 and 5’s arguing and had them settled in front of electronic devices, by the time 5 rolled around son had missed his nap, baby hadn’t slept much because son enjoys squishing her and pulling her “plug” aka soother aka pacifier.  Son suddenly and I mean suddenly started crying uncontrolably and became unconsolable.  I put him to bed and he went to sleep…for 15 minutes then started all over again.

His distress caused baby distress and she started crying.   He didn’t want food, he didn’t need a new diaper, he didn’t want to play, he didn’t want down, he just wanted me to hold him…and he cried and screamed…not a I’m mad cry or an I’m not getting my way cry…a something is wrong, but I don’t know what cry.

Eventually I just sat on the floor beside baby’s bouncy seat rocking him back and forth and patting his back while bouncing her and keeping her plug in her mouth and I joined in his tears.  And to add to this the phone starts to ring with a call from husband.  I knew if I answered then and there in my moment of desperation, the moment I need an “you’re doing great, it’s going to be ok” the chaos would overwhelm husband and he would get frustrated because there is too much going on and he can’t focus, so I choose the lesser of two evils and ignored it…twice.

With the girls oblivious to the three of us in distress we cried.  Eventually son decided he wanted the oatmeal on the table he was staring at and everything became good again!  Such a strange thing, he normally doesn’t have melt downs like that.  And once he stopped life was good again.

Random toddler meltdowns not fun…I would much rather him run around behind me smack me in the back run back around growl at me and make it rain crayons…that was much more enjoyable.

PS our massively ginormous Christmas tree 5 picked is freaking amazing!!  It takes up the whole room its in and is so fluffy it does not require a tree skirt…brings me so much joy.

Today was successful at choosing to be happy, other than my moment of overwhelmed-ness.  It included 3 and I blaring the music in the car and dancing like crazy women.  Watching the kids have so much fun checking out the daycare, racing through the rain with the double stiller loaded with two babies and 3 “skateboarding” a whole block to drop one piece of paper off to someone…not being sarcastic here…we laughed the whole way and got exercise…double duty!  Staring  a good 5 minutes at my cute girlies focus faces as they played on those darn electronic devices and craziest of all…acting happy on the phone with husband which turned into actually happiness.

Fake it till I make it!  It works.  I’ve…disliked him quite a lot this week, but I decided it’s a whatever situation and I might as well enjoy my life and think less about what could be happening, what should be happening, what did happen, what I do or don’t want and just be happy.  I always thought when he had left us that the children alone are a good reason to fight for our love and marriage…I’ve had to remind myself of this a lot this week…to be quite frank I would have been ok with divorce this week…but not anymore…I’m going to be happy no matter what.  And honestly that will probably make me more attractive to him and somewhere in the Bible it says my behavior and lifestyle will change my husband…HA! He has no chance…I’ve got the joy joy joy down in my heart!

So as the random dermatologist or as I call him “mole doctor” told me yesterday (yes I had an appointment on a Sunday…weird I know)…you’ll be ok, it will be ok, and something like…just be “and I’m not talking as a doctor now”…how he randomly asked how many kids I had and what my husband did for a living leading him to find out we are seperated I will never quite know, but God is pretty cool and will use anyone to love on me, including you who read this’ encouraging comments and…it will be ok, just be…even a mole doctor.

P.S.S again…my billions of moles are all benign…woop woop!! Praise God.

Abandoned

I’ve been living with a lot of anger lately.  It started today after being woken up by my kids “whispering.”  I say that in quotes because they more often than not don’t know the meaning of a whisper.   I was awoken from a dream.  A dream of constant running and hiding and saving countless babies from some crazy bomb blowing dude and running some more all the while wondering why my husband wasn’t there helping me.

I woke up angry at him for something he didn’t even do.  Yes he’s not here helping me save these babies that are ours, but it was just a dream.  It was just a dream.

Today 5 said, “mom you were awfully grumpy today, what’s making you so frustrated?”  I had to repent.  Grumpiness like everything else is a choice.  It’s a hard one to choose something different.

We got a Christmas tree today.  I was super excited.  The hunt was fun, the hot chocolate, the hayride…it was perfect and enjoyable with all my littles, but then we got home.  The kids were all in the box breaking balls and papa was stringing the lights.  Papa was stringing the lights.  The job I hate the most, but have always had to do was stirring the lights.  My husband usually just put the tree up and sat down or left the room.  He didn’t often help decorate.  I was just sitting there thinking wow he’s stringing the lights how weird.

Then I got a Facebook message from my father in law saying husband sent the money order that my father in law sent.  Um hello, your own dad is sending your family more money than you did.  What the heck.  Something is wrong with that.

You called and we talked and I said how my day was and asked what you did…”nothing”…that leads to so many thoughts…did you have sex, did you watch porn, did you stare at a wall, did you spend a thousand dollars on yourself?

I called you out.  I said something to the effect of how are we supposed to have a conversation when all you say is “nothing.”  How am I supposed to continue a conversation from that?   You got frustrated and asked if I wanted to hear that you had a shower, watched tv, at a burrito and went out…I said yes yes I want to hear the little details.  I want to be part of your life.  I want to be able to continue a conversation from what you say.

I suppose the best word for my all my feelings combined the past few days is abandoned.

This next week is going to be crazy busy, church, doctors, daycare visits, work, dance, swimming…exhaustion.

Dear Lord as I go into this crazy week help me stay focused.  Keep my dreams alive and remind me of your love.  Help me be productive and efficient and joyful and full of energy.  I love you Lord.  Be with my husband.  Give him a dream to focus on.  Give him energy and love on him.  Give him something to focus on.  Show him your ways and your mercy.  Show him your grace.  Help me forgive him as much as needed.  Teach me to love again.  Teach me mercy and grace Lord.  Teach me to be an even better mother and remind me to be patient with my children.  Help me enjoy every moment with them.  Help me to slow down.  They don’t have to hurry up all the time.  You can’t hurry up pooping and you shouldn’t hurry up reading with them.  Remind me of this Lord.  I love you God.  Thank you for your mercy and grace and love.  Thank you Jesus for humbling yourself and allowing yourself to be placed into a human woman and being birthed into this world like a human.  Thank you for coming to earth for me.  In Jesus name …Amen!!!!

Great Big Bag of….poop

Holy blizarding snow!

As it blizzards on the outside inside I feel hollow.  Depressed, bummed…more like disappointed.  Disappointed in what life has handed me.

I will forever be respectful of single parents.  It sucks.  We were made for a team.  Eve was made to be Adam’s helpmeet.  Not Eve being the head, the leader, the helper, the provider, the caregiver the everything.

Not being all out in love with someone sucks too.  Not trusting the person who was previously the most important person in your life sucks too.

Shoveling, taking an hour to get to an errand, paying customs on a package you already payed shipping on…disappointing.

I’m just disappointed with the cards I’ve been handed in life.  I told God this while shoveling yet again.  I was given a great big bag of suck.  But He also reminded me that it wasn’t His plan.  He only wants good things for me.

Husband said he was proud that I working and doing stuff and said it’s hard getting up and going to work every day.  Excuse the language but that’s a load of shit.  You haven’t kept a job for more than a year.  You abandoned us.  You have eliminated my choice to be a stay at home mom, unless I want to live off the government the rest of my life and not provide our own home or vacations for my children.  You have removed that choice that I wanted so bad.  You forced me into this position by leaving us.  Disappointed.

I’m just disappointed in this great big bag of ..poop I’ve been handed, but it’s not what God had planned for my life which means that He can turn this into good somehow.  For now I will keep trudging, stomping, and fishtailing through this very hectic life and try to enjoy the little things.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Life Happens

I’m not really sure of what to say today.

I feel like I’m floating in limbo again with him.  Not stopping life but feel like i’m face planted again.  Can’t work cause I don’t have child care…dope.  Made a disgusting supper, and don’t have a vacuum.  How I love to feel all the gross rice under my feet.

Sometimes life just sucks.  Like when you break a mug, your child thinks being sick means they can whine all day, a snowstorm and all you have are breathable running shoes, a poopy diaper, a car window that won’t unwind anymore therefore you have to lug all three littles into Tim Hortons to get your much needed coffee, or the full priced winter coat you bought your child so she doesn’t always look homeless that you saved up for because you couldn’t find a good used one that gets paint all over it, someone taking out a double payment and causing overdraft fees,  or your spouse cheating on you.  Life sometimes sucks.  At different levels it happens, but it does.  That’s part of life.  We are on the earth…stuff is going to happen.

I’ve decided to try my best to let my relationship with my husband be.  As I keep saying there is nothing I can do to fix anything.  So I will just be.  I’ll let him call me, I’ll encourage him, but that’s all I can do.  It’s exhausting thinking about what he’s doing.  It’s draining waiting for him to contact me.  It’s depressing thinking about what our relationship is and it’s future.  All I can do is trust God.  I’ll be happy with one call a day.  If I get more yay! (which I have been) and an initiated email…well that’s just a treasure!  We will see what happens.  He is still coming in a few weeks.  Let’s not freak out about that.  I’ll just be excited to spend some time with him and try not to make my list of stuff that needs to be worked out.  If he moves in the spring then he really does love us.  If not then he’s an idiot and throwing away an amazing life.

How someone cannot do everything in their power to hold this chubby bunch of goodness, to watch his son swing his elbow like a madman as he runs at high 1 year old speeds, to feel 3 cuddle your head and to listen to 5’s awesome and endless stories.

Sometimes life sucks.  Sometimes we make choices that make our own lives suck, sometimes it just happens to us.  But just because it happens doesn’t mean we have to let it get the better of us.  We can still push out of the grumpiness, sadness, anger and dance and sing and be a goof regardless of the circumstances.

Let’s go have a silly day!

Thinking

It’s weird being single.  It’s weird being a single mom.  If he doesn’t want me who is going to want me?

I went clothing shopping today.  I’m tired of pouring all my rolls into jeans or wearing leggings that just aren’t attractive.  The baby came out three months ago today and I still look 6 months preggo, but it’s mushy now not solid with a baby.  Oh the joys. But as I cringed every time I put on pants that made my butt look even more horrible or a shirt that accentuated every stomach.  As I cringed thinking about the 100 pounds I’ve gained and the 5 pant sizes I’ve gone up since the day I met my husband I remember I look this way because I grew and birthed 4 people that are half me.  I grew them.   My body stretched around them and my body pushed them out.  Duh of course I’m going to be different.  I thought man I would die for my children…I would do anything for them…I guess giving up my body for them is doing just that.  I let my body be changed for my children.  They are so worth it.  They are also so worth having a mommy who loves her body, is confident in who she is and who God made her.  They deserve that too.  So I better suck it up buttercup.  They deserve the best.

I was thinking the other day as I observed a single dad waiting with his son at our bus stop, how weird it would be if a man came into my life who had his stuff together.  Who put their children first, who took care of themselves, who had a steady job that pays well and has had it for more than a year.  How weird would that be to have someone like that interested in me and wanting to be involved in my life?  I’m not sure that will ever happen.  If things don’t work out with my husband I will defiantly be raising my standards for when I get a next time.  I deserve better and my children definitely deserve better.  They need someone who will sacrifice everything for them.

Mary Pushed

I’ve been listening to Christmas music trying to put together a small christmas program for the kids at church.  One music video from Hillsong (love them) showed Mary and Joseph and a real live baby Jesus…dear 6lb 7ounce baby Jesus…it’s astounding to think that in a little tiny human body dwelled the Son of God.  That’s amazing.  The Son of God was in the form of a tiny helpless human being.  Mary had a mind boggling task.  I wonder what she thought about it all.  She grew and housed the Son of God in her body and then pushed Him out…ha ha she pushed God out threw her woman parts…how weird!

How amazing would it have been to hold the Son of God in your arms, to have Him reach up and touch your face, to have the sole responsibility of caring for Him and providing for Him.

Looking at 3 right now as she sat in her little rocking chair and talked to me I thought, what would it be like if that was the Son of God right there…it’s just such a strange thought!  I’m so glad that wasn’t my responsibility, but I certainly would have traveled far to worship Him.  Man.

I still think the funniest thing is that Mary pushed Him out.  And what did she do without a soother/pacifier?  Did He cry?  Did He irritate His brothers?  Did He do silly shoulder shrugging dances?  Did He randomly grab His mom’s head and hug her?   Just such weird things to think about.  A Savior came to the earth as a human and lived as a human just for us.  So we could go to heaven, so we could know what true forgiveness is and so we can live forgiving so we don’t have to carry that burden of hate.  He came so that I don’t have to hurt anymore.  He not only died but he was birthed into the world from a woman’s body for us.  He sure didn’t have to, but He did so things could work out properly.  He was pushed through a pelvis for us. Ha Ha

Thanks Jesus for not only dying but coming into this world the crazy human way.  Thank you for setting the ultimate example of forgiveness.  Thank you for teaching me to forgive.  I love you!  As one song I ran across said…Your great, you rock, you rule and You are totally cool.  

I loved this Christmas video. Hope you enjoy!  I thought Christmas was going to suck for me, but I think it’s going to be all right 🙂  

Crazy Life But Thankful

Life is quite interesting lately.

Doctor appointment, church meeting, regroup at home, parent teacher interview, costco run and bed…my poor children were filthy in the store, 3 had sat on something that made her look quite “filthy” and no I’m not the prepared mom that has spare clothes for everyone, ..sigh, their winter coats have made it to the laundry room 3 times, but always came back up before I got a chance to wash them. I never used to nurse on the go in the middle of the store oh how things change…throw on the cover and stick her on and keep walking, the five second rule occurred more than once and an employee asked 5 if she knew 3…while I was standing right there…no she’s just some random child walking around with us…we were all speechless at that one, and son crawling under the filthy table biting his sisters boot while they enjoyed their hot dog…yes I was that mom.  I remember telling my husband that my kids will never be that filthy child…HA!   We may have been a mess but we enjoyed searching out and trying all the samples, oohing and ahhing in the christmas isles, 3 and 5 enjoyed hugging the gigantic nutcracker, drooling at the toys, running in and out of the gigantic freezer and checking out the sweet iPads…we may be a mess but we had fun!

Life is quite interesting lately.

I struggled with so many thoughts as I wrote earlier today in our regroup time.  But I’ve noticed I’ve become more equipped to handle it.  I still get down and to the stare at a wall stage or stand in the kitchen and hide some tears but it’s not quite as painful.

The boy did something somehow…might have been from 3 jumping on him, climbing onto the counter and jumping off…scariest thing ever, being run over by his sisters pushing the stroller, or something else that he did two days ago…he’s limping…my baby boy is limping and I feel so bad…the doctor said he probably did something to his hip and there is nothing I can do about it 😦  You would think after 4 kids I wouldn’t rush to the doctor but I just can’t help it…I’m that mom.

I’ve started a part time job…finding child care is the hardest thing ever!  Ridiculous.

It was super cool going to my first parent-teacher interview.  5 is doing well…

I am thankful that tomorrow is a new day.  I am thankful that one day I will own my own home.  I will be successful in the business world and be financially stable able to provide for my children abundantly.  I am thankful for my children.  For a good school.  I am thankful that childcare will come eventually and I will be able to work for effectively, I am thankful that God’s got a plan for my life.  I am thankful for motivation, for opportunity to serve in the church, that I will catch up on all this housework.  I am thankful that my son isn’t hurt too bad, I am thankful that my children have their own beds…and one day they won’t get up in the night and one day they will enjoy sleeping in.  I am thankful for my husband.  I am thankful for him regardless of how I feel.  I am thankful that he is alive.  I am thankful for soothers and quiet time.  I am thankful for 3’s mermaid that comforts her, I am thankful that 5 loves art like me, I am thankful that her teachers are making her a binder of her artwork and pictures and I get to keep it at the end of the year, I am thankful for my feet…the one part of my body I feel isn’t fat.  I am thankful for this fake christmas tree that reminds me that christmas is a joyful time.  I am just so thankful.  Life is good.  God is good.  And everything thing will be ok.