When will it stop hurting?  I’m not sure.

This morning was normal and then I packed up the kids and headed to the grocery store and POW! I instantly had the worst headache ever…honestly it was debilitating.  I grabbed to tylenol and it did nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I didn’t even make it into the store.  As I sat there trying to gain composure I could’t stop thinking about him and her and what they did in bed together.  It was horrible.  I sank down into the darkness and the nausea and dizzy-ness came and then I vomited from the craziness of it all.

So yeah my day was crappy.  After I vomited I hadn’t thought about them since.  I reminded myself thinking about it is going to do nothing and I forgive “them.”  Them…I have to remind myself of that.  It’s easier to forgive him than her.  I don’t know why.

I’m not sure what brought it all on, but i’m thankful it’s over and I’m even more thankful for my mom who came to my rescue.  I got that day in bed…not doing exactly what I wanted, but sleep and nursing ha.  Now I just feel like crap,  not dying crap.

Funny thing is when I told him he sounded genuinely concerned.  Said to take care of myself, get sleep and drink lots of water.  Who is this guy?  Regardless I like that part of him and it made me feel special.

I’m so tired of this darkness.  I was watching CSI just now and they found some creepy nazi guy who was doing disgusting experiments on people.  It was really dark and gross.  That’s the kind of darkness I feel sometimes.  Disgustingly dark.  But I always am able to float my way back up to the light.  I am thankful for that too.  There is always light somewhere.  I’m thankful my little bit of darkness today was a just a little and not a whole day.

Dear Lord, I need more intimacy with you.  It just takes ten minutes to spend reading your word and yet I never seem to do it.  Please forgive me for not spending more time with you.  I’m so focused on myself and that needs to change.  It is not all about me.  It needs to be all about you.  Thank you for forgiving me.  Help me to be better.  Call for me and remind me that it’s your time.  I want to spend more time with you.  I want to talk to you more.  I want to love on you more.  I want to hear what you have to say more.  I love you God, I really do.  I will try to be less self-centered.  Thank you for always being there for me, even as I had tears running down my face in pain you were there and I knew it.  Jesus Jesus Jesus.  I love you.  Amen.

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