God is still God

Life was good.  There was excitement for the future.  I was ok with where I was, what happened and the future.  I had peace, joy, and was great!  The good days out numbered the bad.

I really don’t know exactly what happened.  I got my full custody in the mail a few weeks ago, child support issues have aroused, we found a new home and now my children’s poppy from their dad’s side is here visiting for two weeks…I got knocked down again.  It’s not darkness like before.  It’s a low feeling, it’s stare at the walls, check out, heart at my feet kind of emotion that is almost constant.  I honestly think it may be time to get some emotional help again, some counseling.

Friends and family celebrated when I told them I received full custody from the judge, but I was actually a little disgusted with them.  All I felt was sadness, hurt and pain for my children.  Their daddy no longer has parental rights.  He chose not to be in their lives.  That isn’t love.  That isn’t love.  It makes me so incredibly sad, I’m not sure how people can celebrate that.  Yes I know they are happy because they are in the right place and safe, but the perfect place for them was with me and their daddy.  The whole situation is disgusting.

“He” got a letter from my case worker stating that he needs to pay nearly a thousand dollars a month.  That went over as “he” would say…like a turd in a punch bowl.

I’m not sure how he figured I should be the one he called in regards to that letter as I had already attempted to sort the financial situation out with him, but had no cooperation so I let it go into other powers hands.  But he thought it was necessary to call me and say some very unnecessary things that are nearly impossible to remove their damage no matter how many times he says sorry, he didn’t mean it and that if he could he would change everything.  It’s a load of poop…or turds.

He supposedly is in communication with my case worker, which I think it’s too late for that now anyways.  I haven’t heard a thing since a few days after that call about it as I said I wanted nothing to do with it anymore.  The stress, the pain, the anxiety is not worth the hassle.  I will let other people deal with that for me.  Until it gets dealt with I cannot start the divorce paperwork as we can sort the rest out in a civilized manner.    Divorce makes me incredibly sad as well.  But it is what it is.  God is still God and I am still me.  Floating in limbo land.  Married, but not with someone.  A single mother with a married last name.  It’s a very strange place to be.

We will be leaving this house in August.  The house that he was supposed to join us in.  It is difficult to wrap my head around that he isn’t coming lately, which is incredibly stupid and I don’t know why I have reverted to this mind-frame, but I have and will sort through it in time.  But we are leaving this house, the meeting place for him.  We are moving on with our lives.  Moving to a place where we will have space.  I am a grown woman living with her parents, but I am ever so thankful for them.  The kids and I will have our own space, our own living area, it will be good.  I will have my own room.  No more cramming in with the kids, sleeping on a twin bed.  It is time to be in our own place that we can settle and stay for as long as we need.  To recoup, to heal, to grow.  One day I will find love again and they will have an active father in their lives and we will have our own home, but that time is not now and I need to be ok with it.  It is time to say goodbye to this place, goodbye to the lingering feelings of him coming for me.  I have a future and it is bright and I will see it again.

To throw the whopper on the cake his dad is here.  Sleeping in our basement.  He’s been here a week and is here one more.  We haven’t seen him for 13 months.  I thought it might be a struggle for the kids, I didn’t realize how much of a struggle it would be for me.  I just realized today that I can’t even look him in the eyes.  He is not the one that hurt me.  He is not the one that left me.  He reminds me so much of my husband, my ex-husband, my kid’s dad, that person I struggle with not talking to every day…”him” whoever he now is.  That person that I hate one minute and the next I miss incredibly much.  I hadn’t missed him in a really long time until lately.  Plain and simple I miss him.  I miss his smile, his hug, his eyes, his voice, playing with him, dancing with him, holding his hand.  I miss watching him work on his truck, playing video games, doing the dishes, playing with the kids.  I miss his arms, running my hands through is hair while he closes his eyes and enjoys it.  I miss his big stinky flat feet, his shoe fetish.  He’s flawed, extremely flawed, but I still miss him.

His dad reminds me of him.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  The addiction to electronics, love of money, the rude mannerisms around people, the charisma around people too…makes no sense I know.  The silver tongue, their arms are the same, they have similar socks, they cook the same, they have similar skin.  Memories and thoughts flood in and overwhelm me.  I am not handling it well.  Actually I’m not really handling it at all.  I can’t talk to him, can’t look at him, cringe at his touch.  It is not him, he did not hurt me, it is not his fault….I’m actually probably hurting him.  It sucks.  At least he is enjoying his time with the kids.  That is why he came.

I have no more thoughts to say.  I am out.  I am empty.  I am low.  4 has had strep throat 3 times in 4 months, boy is coughing and wheezing again, 6 is having tantrums again, baby is teething, but i will be ok, I will be ok.  God is still God and He loves me always and forever, no matter what.  He loves me.

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