That’s all I really have to say tonight. It hurts. There isn’t really a word to describe the pain I feel. My heart hurts, even physically.
Phones “aren’t working properly”…whether I believe it or not doesn’t matter because there is nothing I can do about it. But it is now bringing in the doubt. The doubt that he is not cheating on me anymore. It just brings pain.
I stumbled across a few things that brought so much pain.
Trying to think about good things brings pain. Was it ever true? Where you ever really proud of me like the card you wrote me said? Did you ever want to show me your love like your card said? Did you ever dream of cheating on me when you placed my wedding ring on? How long were you doing it for? What made you think it was ok? Why? Is she better than me? I’ll never be as pretty, I did have four of your children. What made you think it was ok? What made you give up? What made you decide I was a piece of shit? (excuse my language). What made you not love me? If you slept with her, talked to her, flirted with her, texted her, took her to a hotel, dated her, you didn’t love me. You didn’t love me. What made you think it was ok to have a relationship with her while continuing to make me live in the hell I was living in with you gone most of the time and then leading me on the rest of the time? What made you think it was ok to drag me through all the crap the lies brought.
And you still aren’t here to prove otherwise. To prove that you love me now.
It just hurts. There is so much pain. So much pain.
I wish it would all just go away.
I wish it would all go away.
God. You see my hurt. You see my pain. You see what I am going through and how I feel. Jesus felt this times a billion when he was on the cross. He felt all our pain. Please take it away. Remind me that you have a plan. Remind me that you are for me. There is so much going on in my life more than just a broken marriage. Remind me of who you are. Remind me of how big you are, how much you truly love me. Remind me that I am loved and cherished. Take care of me God, because it’s just so hard to do it myself right now. Show me you love me God.