Ugh

Today I had a really great day.  It included playing spies and bad guys with the kids, wrestling and getting caught in their “trap” that took an hour to set-up and I had noooo idea about.  It included a “dinner party” with a 5 year old cutie, yet slow waitress, and watching one of our favorite tv shows.  It included a little shopping and riding the train at the mall.  I think I get more excited than the kids about the train.

My day was great…on the outside.

On the inside I was a mess.  I wanted to cry and scream in rage all at different points.  I am unhappy with my life.  I am unhappy with where I am.  This is not where I imagined myself to be.  I am not happy with where I am living and many other things.  I am not happy that my team mate bailed on me. I am not happy with his choices that have affected my life and my children’s.

5 wanted to get a knife for daddy for christmas.  We couldn’t because he can’t take it on the plane home with him.  She said well we can just keep it until he comes back.  Telling your daughter that you aren’t sure if he will ever live with us again sucks! Especially in front of the sales lady.

And worst of all.  When I closed my eyes today images flashed before me that should never be seen.  Images that I have never actually seen but only imagined. They make me hate him all over again.  They force me to say.  “I forgive him. I forgive him.  I forgive him.” over and over and over again.   How do I make these go away?

He stopped cursing on the phone, but today he started saying things that I don’t find appropriate.  Just little things that I don’t really want my kids growing up saying.  Like calling people a retard.  I’m down with silly name calling in the name of fun, but when you do it with a different attitude and tone it’s not cool.  You might as well call someone stupid or an idiot. Or thinking your better than most everyone, or talking about balls.   Just little things like that.  Maybe I’m nit picking because of the images I imagined earlier out of dislike for him, but to be honest.  If we were dating and didn’t have four children together…not even the children, if we didn’t have a marriage.  If I didn’t commit myself to him already I wouldn’t date him.  He would not be a man I would choose again.  It breaks my heart to say that.

I love him.  I know who he can be.  I’ve seen it before.  But right now, that’s often not him.  Maybe I’m just being naggy and seeing all the stuff I dislike because he had sex with another woman.

He asked what I wanted for Christmas.  I said to see him and to effectively communicate our feelings without oober tension or fighting and to know I’m loved.  I am very concerned about him coming.  Today it’s more so for my children’s sake.  I hope he is a good example for them.  He’s been a crappy father for a while now.  I hope he steps up and shows them what a gentleman looks like for the 5 days he gets to influence their lives.

Well this was a lot of negative nancy today.  But it’s off my chest and tomorrow is a new day.

Father, my life sucks right now.  I don’t really hate my husband.  I have forgiven him.  I do love him.  Thank you for him.  Thank you for who he is.  Help me to fall more in love with him.  I made a commitment to him.  I told him I would give him more time.  Help me be true to that word.  Lord I know you love me and you have super great things for me.  Show me the good things in my husband.  Help him to show me how much he loves me.  Help our relationship Lord.  It’s exhausting having a broken marriage.  I had a super great day on the outside Lord, help make my insides to have super great days too.  God you are amazing and spectacular and I’m so thankful that you live on the inside of me.  If you live there, how can anything but awesome and amazing be on the inside?  Take over my being.  Take over my head too.  I love you God.  In Jesus name Amen.

2 thoughts on “Ugh

  1. I read these words and I understand. My wife chose to be with another man, and although that relationship has stopped she still made the decision to move out. I am trying to give her time to figure things out, but I don’t know if she and I will ever live together again. I have to forgive her every day to keep myself from calling her and telling her “I’m done”. Your prayer is amazing, and I will be using it for myself. Stay strong, keep praying, I hope that things start to get brighter soon 🙂

    Like

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