Mini You

He reminds me of you.  He’s exactly as I pictured you would have been like at one year of age.  He’s exactly as I had wanted a little you to be.  The way he lies down on his pillow, turns in circles, has his cute (for now) little tantrums, rides backwards on his dinosaur, the way he runs, he reminds me of you.

The scariest thing is the fact that he’s your son.  He’s half you.  I pray to God he gets the better half.  The half that holds me at night, the half that played music and sang, the half that danced with his daughters, the part that is mechanically inclined and who jumps out of the car to help someone that’s broke down.  I pray for wisdom in raising him so that he doesn’t grow up to have father issues that will lead him to make the same decisions as you and your father and your grandfather choose.  A love for an overabundance of alcohol is not allowed in these children’s lives.

Your daughters are all you.  The things they say, their demeanor, their actions.  I can’t think of specifics now, but they often come up with something that you say.  Thankfully it’s way cuter when they say it.

Your littlest one, the one you’ve never met.  She looks identical to you.  Identical.  Just like the others that will change, but for the moment she is the spitting image of you and anyone would know she is yours.

Your five year old drew a picture yesterday.  When I asked what she drew she said it was you and me and the kids on our wedding day.  I had a sparkly dress on and we were holding hands.  Why did you talk about renewing our vows even while you were with “her?”  Why did you let me dream?  Get my hopes up?  I don’t get it.

Then today our daughter noticed a man had a wedding ring on.  She asked if he was married.  I said yes and that I couldn’t wear mine because I got too fat and they didn’t fit anymore.  She asked if you wore yours and why you didn’t.  I had no answer.  Then she proceeded to say,

“if daddy wanted to be your husband that would be good wouldn’t it mom?”

“Yes baby yes it would”

“I have an idea you could call and talk to him, then it could be ok mom.”

“I don’t think that would help honey”

“How come?”

“Because I’ve tried it before”

“Oh.  How come it didn’t work?”

“I don’t know.  I just don’t know.”

……Sometimes conversations are really tough.

I wish that life hadn’t turned out this way.  I really truly do.  I want a whole complete family with no huge holes missing.

Thank you God for wisdom in raising these awesome little people.

2 thoughts on “Mini You

  1. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I am so sorry for the pain that you and your children are experiencing. It shouldn’t have to be this way. My husband went through a divorce before we met. After two years, His high school sweet heart decided she didn’t want to married any more. He was devastated. Divorce wasn’t part of his vocabulary. He never thought he would be in that place. They didn’t have any kids, and I can’t imagine how much more painful it would have been if they had. My husband is a Christian and his faith is what helped him through. He will admit that he wasn’t perfect and there were definitely things he could have done better. I think those lessons have benefited our relationship. I never thought I would marry a man who was divorced, but God completely changed my heart and has revealed how big and good and gracious He really is. There is life beyond an affair and a divorce and it can be GOOD!!! Hold tight to the healer, and he will begin to mend the pain. He will restore what has been broken, even stolen. He is faithful and just. And he sees you and he knows your pain. He loves you (and your kiddos) more than you could ever imagine and he will provide in ways that you never expected. Blessings to you.

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    • Thank you so much for the encouragement! It was a nice surprise to wake up to this morning. He is my healer and I’m so thankful for that. Divorce wasn’t even an option to me, until I realized he just didn’t want to be married anymore and I had to let him go. It’s very encouraging to hear of others that have gone through similar situations, who didn’t want it and who are living wonderful lives right now. Thank you I hope you and your husband have an amazing day. 🙂

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