I dreamt of having a husband since I was a little girl.
I used to have a Minnie Mouse diary with one of those cute little keys from when I was about ten years old. I wrote about the boys I liked and wondered if they were my husband. I was ten for goodness sake. I have countless journals of prayers and things I had been learning in the Bible. Most of the prayer included somewhere, “Thank you for my husband, thank you for bringing him to me, thank you for keeping him for me”…or something to that effect.
When I was 16 I started a journal written specifically to my husband. It talked about how I prayed for him, how I was thankful for him, excited to meet him, couldn’t wait to live my life with him, the things I wanted to do with him and other hopes and dreams.
I had a scrapbook of my dream wedding. Dresses, ideas…mostly dresses. For the day I would dress up and be a princess and marry my prince charming.
I would spend hours on the floor praying and pouring out my heart to God. I would ask why it was taking so long. I would beg him to send me someone. I had visions and God spoke to me about being patient.
One night as I was laying on my face I saw a park. It was a beautiful field of grass with a few trees off in the distance and one near by me. There was a bench under the tree. I don’t remember everything but I do remember seeing a silhouette on the other end of the field. He walked up towards me and said something like “I’m waiting for you.” He sat down behind me and we rested back to back.
Weird I know. But it kept me going. Being patient.
I think God was keeping me safe my whole teenage hood and my awkwardness and weirdness were probably helping keep the boys away. When I got to be 16 the anticipated year of when I would be allowed to date…it came and went with no prospects..or even asking of me. The whole year went. As did most of my 17th year. I waited, trying to be patient, immersing myself in God. One night I cried out to God..”What’s wrong with me?! Why does no one like me?!”
The very next day while chatting on ICQ…remember ICQ? The coolest thing around, you could talk to anyone who was on their computer without having to actually be on the phone or in the same place. Reply whenever you wanted, ignore or anything…kinda like text! Anyways I was chatting on ICQ with…a boy…I actually talked to lots of boys on ICQ and msn or whatever the other version was, but I suppose my awkward weirdness got in the way.
I was finally asked…”Do you want to hang out?”
AHA! Champion! The moment finally arrived! I was going on a date! Actually he asked me to go over to his house where he and his friends were playing video games. My anti-social and warning alarms went off that that was a bad idea, but a few evenings later he picked me up in his momma’s car.
It was actually one of the funnest dates I had been on. We went mini-golfing, ate at Montanas and then got some ice cream and went for a walk. He attempted to tickle me…I failed at that one. And he returned me home before dark…disappointed. I proceeded to dive out of the car when he commenced at rubbing my hair (like you do a child)…I was totally turned off by that and ran inside. Slammed the door shut and did the typical girl thing of leaning against the door. I was enchanted by just the fact that a boy dated me. I jabbered on about it to my friends. Tried to continue to talk to him on ICQ, but after a “we should do that again” I never heard back from him again.
It was not much heart break but it was enough to renew my convictions of waiting for the right guy. It gave me hope that I am not a weird, nothing is wrong with me I was just waiting for the right guy.
I waited for my prince charming.
My grandma would write me encouraging notes as I went to her house every weekend. “Your prince charming is coming.” I will never forget that. She believed in me. To be honest she still does. She has no idea of the turmoil my life is in right now. She was one of the ones rooting me on.
I knew he would come when he would come and I believed I would know when it was time.
Well as described in one of my first blogs I met him. I met my prince charming. The one who made me laugh, prayed with me, held the door for me and didn’t make fun of my dorkiness.
My prince charming…was hard to live with at times. Disappointed me at times.
My prince charming failed me. He lost the spot of my prince charming. Prince charming is not supposed to lie, abandon, betray or cheat on me.
Prince Charming is a gentleman, Godly, respectful and loves unconditionally.
Mine failed. The repercussions are huge. The princesses that prince charming found does not feel like a princesses. Not loved, not cherished, not beautiful, not worthy, not clean.
Expectations are too high sometimes and most often failed.
Thoughts are not what a princess should think about. They are dark. They are scary. They are disgusting. They are anything but lovely. It is a daily, often moment by moment battle to keep the lovely things in mind. It’s a constant battle to rejoice, to find joy, to be happy. It’s a battle to swat away the worry and expectations that are not met. I want to shut everyone out. I want to cry and sleep the day away until the pain and images that come to my head are gone. I want to go back to the days were I was just an innocent dork waiting for my prince charming to come.
Lord give me new visions and new hope. New dreams and renew my passion for the days. Take away the darkness. Take away the sadness please. Joy comes in the morning…make it morning. Help me Lord fall in love with you again.