Dark

I’m so tired.

Life is exhausting.  Trying to find work, trying to do things single moms have to do, dealing with the emotions of my husband, why hasn’t he come here yet, will this actually work?  Knowing that I will be up tonight thinking, nursing and taking people to the potty is exhausting in itself.

It’s still hard to believe that you actually care.  You actually care that I got some sleep last night.  It’s kind of nice.

I think sometimes emotions are more exhausting than the physical day of chasing mini-me’s.

Somedays are just so dark.  Waking up the other day realizing my body will never compare to her is horrible.  The days when I can’t stop thinking about the crap you did.  The sex you had with her.  The lies you told me.  It’s hard.  Thinking about you holding me, our conversations, doing life together…is now exhausting, will it actually happen?

One moment life is good, the next it’s midnight and dark and scary and I can’t escape.

It feels like postpartum.  Whatever it is it’s freaking dark.  It’s depressing.  It’s hard to get out of.  It’s hard to be cheerful when talking to you.  It’s hard not to hurt you with my words.  It’s hard to walk in love.

I can do all things with Jesus.