Sex

I was in the beloved shower again.  Sometimes I consider skipping the shower part of my day, but then the overwhelming need to be free of the boogers, spit up, peanut butter and sour milk beats out the need to avoid the stupid thoughts that always come.

So I had a shower.  Aren’t you glad?

Thoughts of him and her came like they often do.  How could he just have said, “might as well” that first time?  Seriously?  As if it would have no effect?  As if it’s my fault? As if our marriage didn’t matter?  As if not only that piece of paper that we signed didn’t say anything.  That our covenant that we came into didn’t matter.  My word is my promise.  If I say it I try with all my heart to do it.  Divorce was never really an option.  But now it’s a very real reality.

We made a covenant.  A promise to be true to each other, to be faithful, for better or worse, rich or poor, no matter what our feelings said, to love unconditionally…me…only me…you so easily threw that out the window…you so easily betrayed everything you said, everything you promised…not only did you smash all your dreams, but mine too…sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so blinded and saw your selfishness way long ago.  Our marriage, our covenant meant nothing.  If someone broke a covenant elsewhere they would be dead, or forsaken or something intense.

Your words and your actions showed that I mean nothing to you.  Nothing.  I still mean nothing to you according to your actions. “I’ll do what I need to do, be cool.”  What does that mean?  What is it you need to do and if I mean anything to you, if your kids mean anything to you then why don’t you do what you need to do right away?  We aren’t worth much to you if you still can’t sacrifice for us.  If you can’t do the hard deed right away no matter how much it hurts.  I get it.  I get that you have invested some of yourself into her.  That you like her more than me.  That you had sex with her and gave yourself to her.  I get it that you like her.  That you went shopping, out to eat, bought stuff, watched movies, went on trips, camping…everything you and I did.  You replaced me with someone that you didn’t fight with, someone that didn’t challenge you to be better, a relationship that was easier (for now).   But if you are going to do the right thing then you are going to have to sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice if you are going to make anything slightly right.  That needs to start now.

I’m at the point of no return, almost past it.  I’m not sure that this is fixable and it cannot wait.  If you are going to give it a shot you need to start proving it, showing it, doing everything you can to fix it…NOW.  Put me on your bank account or close it and go back to our joint one.  Let me see everything you are buying…no more dates.  Call every day…twice a day. Talk about real things, things that hurt, things that suck, flirt.   Answer my calls the moment I call…even in the evenings…make my hours 24/7 instead of days.  Call your children every single day.  Don’t give them the hope that you are coming but start to build a relationship with them.  Skype.  Send money regularly.  Prove to me that our relationship, the relationship with your children is worth everything to you.

Dump her in the trash and don’t make a move, don’t say anything when I bash her.  When I call her inappropriate names.  When I hate on her.  Don’t defend her.  Don’t look sad for her or your heart.  I really dislike you and I hate her.

Back to the shower…sex.  All desire that I ever had is gone.  You have wiped every desire, every need of it away.  I used to crave it.  I used to beg you to have it with me.  Your cheating on me and addiction to porn had cause me to be unfulfilled because you were having your needs met in other ways.  It makes me feel loved, it’s just something I need, something I want.  I’m kinda like a man in that department.  Or was.

It’s gone.  I want to be held, but at the same time I don’t even want to be touched.  I’ve noticed I cringe when a guy touches me, tries to hug me at church.  I can’t even look in their eyes.  My nights are not spent thinking of you.  My showers aren’t spent remembering good things.  I want to be held, but the thought of being touched at all, in any way, makes me feel dizzy and sick.

It’s a heart issue.  Only God can fix it.  Not everyone is going to hurt me.  I can be healed.  He can heal me.  If my husband wants me back how is it going to happen?  If every effort to prove to me that he is trustworthy, patient, that he loves me, that he would do anything for me, that he loves me like Christ loves the church…I think our relationship is screwed.   We aren’t going to make it.  If I can’t allow myself to be healed, allow myself to trust again.  If I can’t learn from my mistakes.  If I can’t be patient.  We’re screwed.

There is so much riding on this.  So much still to be lost.  So much that could be gained.  You screwed another woman, abandoned me, stopped talking to me, pushed me away,  yet don’t want to divorce me. Talk about confusing.  No wonder why I just want to cry all day.  I wish it was three years from now and could skip this part.

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